Relationship Is he coming back?

[LovingH]

Whew..isnt that the truth. My ex IS in therapy, and still did all of the above to me. :(

 

[Hojay]

I can tell I’m getting a little too into this. Sorry if it seems like I’m hammering on you, haha. But don’t you have any boundaries around him cutting you out like this? Or him calling you manipulative? Or him getting angry when you show emotion? Boundaries are for YOU and what YOU will do when they are crossed. Has he crossed them with his behavior? If so, what are your consequences? Not what you can say to him, but what you will DO for yourself. Right now it seems you’re hoping he’ll come back in the hopes that boundaries will change his behavior. Or rather, it sounds like you think he behaved this way BECAUSE you didn’t have boundaries. I’d venture to say he behaved this way because he behaved this way. Boundaries don’t magically turn someone into relationship material. It’s rather the opposite, actually, they quickly weed out those who aren’t.

 

[somerandomguy]

I know how men can be, when you start talking to their exes.

Do you really feel that only men are this way?

 

[Fleabug]

Those are boundaries that had never been crossed before. I was not aware that I needed to discuss unknown boundaries with him. I know now. And no, I am not putting up with it. I told him this wasn't healthy and I was taking a break. That's when he called me manipulative. So break time it is. He has abided by all boundaries we have discussed. It's not like we haven't had major discussions about his behavior or his PTSD.

 

[Justmehere]

From this vantage point, you seem like a strong and kind hearted person. Many kudos to you for handling this as well as you have and seeking to learn more. I wish there were more supporters like you out in the world.

 

[Fleabug]

I have never been in a PTSD relationship before. Clearly this one is seemingly typical with the 6 months, long distance, etc. Stating boundaries out loud is the easiest way to communicate what I will put up with. If I did not state them out loud, only I am aware of that boundary. That's unfair I feel. He needs to be aware of my boundaries to even attempt to abide by them. He did ask me once what we needed to do if his brain turned on me. I now know I should have responded much different than I did. I said we would deal with it if it happens.

 

[Fleabug]

I just want to thank everyone. I love hearing different points of view and the support here is fantastic. This is a very helpful place. It helps to not feel so alone.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Do you really feel that only men are this way?

Obviously not... but the supporter area is not a place to react or make a stand about personal issues. Stay on topic.

 

[LovingH]

Obviously not... but the supporter area is not a place to react or make a stand about personal issues. Stay on topic.

Thank you.

*eyeroll* of course I don't think that

 

[WTF Happened]

When someone used to poor treatment finds someone who treats them well, it tends to stir up more symptoms for awhile. Why? It’s so hard to explain why. For me, it was experiencing normal and healthy for the first time, and realizing, tangibly, what should have been. I shut everyone out at that point. It was too much.

@Justmehere Can you speak more to this? Because it is the exact thing that has haunted me ever since my ex-gf broke things off. For bg, she had told me ours was the healthiest relationship she's ever had (she had a bad track record of guys treating her like shit, to say the least). I'm sure there was some honeymoon phase in there, but she made a point of saying things like that enough that makes me believe it's true.

I understand why closeness can be scary and triggering for sufferers. I understand that she had no control over it, she was in fight or flight, in full emotional shutdown, and she took off. What I don't understand is why, when the symptoms calmed down, wouldn't she (or you) look back at the relationship you just left and be like, "Wait... that WAS a healthy relationship." And contact that person? If you think they'd be open to reconciliation, why would you go out into the dating world in search of a good relationship when you have one waiting for you right there!

Sorry to hijack this thread, but seeing Justmehere say that really touched something. JMH can PM me if that's better.

 

[EveHarrington]

What I don't understand is why, when the symptoms calmed down, wouldn't she (or you) look back at the relationship you just left and be like, "Wait... that WAS a healthy relationship." And contact that person? If you think they'd be open to reconciliation, why would you go out into the dating world in search of a good relationship when you have one waiting for you right there!

.....because the stress of the relationship may still be too great to handle, even if it is the healthiest relationship we’ve ever had.

A relationship, any relationship, can be 99.9% wonderful, but it only takes one thing to make it break.

I know you’re hurting, but at the same time, she was hurting in the relationship, and even though it was overall great, the good didn’t outweigh the stress.

 

[LovingH]

@Justmehere Can you speak more to this? Because it is the exact thing that has haunted me ever since my ex-gf broke things off. For bg, she had told me ours was the healthiest relationship she's ever had (she had a bad track record of guys treating her like shit, to say the least). I'm sure there was some honeymoon phase in there, but she made a point of saying things like that enough that makes me believe it's true.

I understand why closeness can be scary and triggering for sufferers. I understand that she had no control over it, she was in fight or flight, in full emotional shutdown, and she took off. What I don't understand is why, when the symptoms calmed down, wouldn't she (or you) look back at the relationship you just left and be like, "Wait... that WAS a healthy relationship." And contact that person? If you think they'd be open to reconciliation, why would you go out into the dating world in search of a good relationship when you have one waiting for you right there!

Sorry to hijack this thread, but seeing Justmehere say that really touched something. JMH can PM me if that's better.

As someone who has PTSD myself..that is exactly what I've always done. Sometimes to my detriment, actually. My fight or flight led me to break up..then i regret it pretty quickly. I did the same w my most recent ex cuz he ignored my messages but i could see he read them. I know now that my abandonment issues kicked in. I gave him a cpl days of space. Then asked if he would meet w me. At the mtg everything went well and positively. He agreed to see me once a wk. Long story short, it fell apart cuz he got triggered on our 2nd date

I did try tho. Realized my mistake and apologized.