Relationship Kidnapped and Sexually Assaulted Untreated Partner Left.

[Peaceful]

Just wanted to start off by telling everyone how much I have appreciated all the responses. I have read and reread them numerous times. It means a lot. I can tell you all have a lot of wisdom to share. Thank you!

She text me today. Just asked about a few things she had left at my place. She told me I could bring them by if I could and if I wanted to. I’m actually out of town for the holiday so I told her I couldn’t and that I wasn’t home. She just responded “That’s cool.” I then asked how her dog had been doing. She went silent and didn’t respond.

Definitely not anything to get my hopes up about but at least I’m not completely shut out and she appears to be ok.

Just wanted to share an update.

 

[WTF Happened]

@Jds_Trying All I can tell you my man is I'm sorry and I understand. These forums are excellent for making sense of what happened and depersonalizing the whole thing (even though you will always take it at least a little personally).

I'd leave her be. She has a lot to work out and being untreated and drinking, I'd guess she's in denial but neither are good for a relationship anyway.

Hey @lostforgottensoul, that describes my ex as well - untreated and drinking, and in denial. I know there's nothing I can do for her and it's not my place anyway, but it's as crazy-making as it is sad. When you witness a person fall into a really dark place (suicidal thoughts, panic attacks, numbness, etc) and then have that person proclaim they're fine afterward, it feels like someone telling you the earth is flat and that you're crazy for thinking it's round. But it's like the actual flat-earthers out there -- I could show them satellite images, maps, and all sorts of fact-based data to demonstrate the earth is round, and they still won't believe it. In both cases, I wish I could just not let it bother me and allow people to believe whatever they want to believe... but it's kind of maddening. I constantly fight that hyper rational part of my brain that's like, "how can you just let them be?? Show them the maps! Surely they can't deny facts!"

 

[scout86]

and then have that person proclaim they're fine afterward, i

When it comes to "I'm fine", it's quite possible to say it and still know, on some level, that it's not literally true. It can mean "I don't want to talk about it" or I don't want to think about it", or any of an assortment of things. "I'm fine" is a way to end the conversation. If you want a better answer, you might have to ask a better question.

 

[Peaceful]

When it comes to "I'm fine", it's quite possible to say it and still know, on some level, that it's not literally true. It can mean "I don't want to talk about it" or I don't want to think about it", or any of an assortment of things. "I'm fine" is a way to end the conversation. If you want a better answer, you might have to ask a better question.

So... out of the blue....she text me Sunday. I ended up picking her up and taking her to dinner. I expected it to be awkward but instead it just seemed a little different at first. She was very cautious so to speak. It quickly went back to how we left off. I don’t mean how it was the night she left. It went back to how we fell in love. 24 hrs later I just drove her back home. Home is here but I mean I just took her back home to her friends house that she ran to. Not sure what to think right now. I already miss her again......

 

[scout86]

Not sure what to think right now.

When I first contacted the person who is now my therapist, I was kind of going back & forth between "I'm fine" (or i should be fine) and wondering what suicide feels like. I mentioned in the email I sent him that someone who knew me well had suggested I might have PTSD. His response was, "if you have PTSD, you should know that it affects more aspects of your life than you realize and it won't go away by itself. I have an opening on Thur, of you're interested." I went, it was a good move, and I've been kind surprised at how many aspects of my life it HAS affected.

So, if she doesn't get professional help, what you can expect is more of what you've seen. YOU can't fix her. You can go along for the ride, or not. Somehow, she needs to notice that her life isn't going as well as it might, and then decide to try to work on fixing it herself (with help). Maybe you can encourage her to do that. Just don't expect things to get miraculously better. Sometimes they will be better and sometimes they won't and it will be like that the rest her life, unless she does something about it.

 

[Peaceful]

When I first contacted the person who is now my therapist, I was kind of going back & forth between "I'm fine" (or i should be fine) and wondering what suicide feels like. I mentioned in the email I sent him that someone who knew me well had suggested I might have PTSD. His response was, "if you have PTSD, you should know that it affects more aspects of your life than you realize and it won't go away by itself. I have an opening on Thur, of you're interested." I went, it was a good move, and I've been kind surprised at how many aspects of my life it HAS affected.

So, if she doesn't get professional help, what you can expect is more of what you've seen. YOU can't fix her. You can go along for the ride, or not. Somehow, she needs to notice that her life isn't going as well as it might, and then decide to try to work on fixing it herself (with help). Maybe you can encourage her to do that. Just don't expect things to get miraculously better. Sometimes they will be better and sometimes they won't and it will be like that the rest her life, unless she does something about it.

I’m never giving up unless I think she is doing better without me. I’ll take whatever abuse she throws at me. I’m very strong willed. I truly believe paths in lives cross for a reason. Whether these encounters are brief or whether two trails overlap for a lifetime, there is a purpose for the crossing. Although the reason may not be clearly understood, may not turn out to be what we want it to be, and may not even be significant, there is something positive to be taken from each experience. You have to be thankful for everyone in your life...the good as well as the bad, whether they are in the past, the present, or in the future! Never giving up!

 

[Freida]

I’m never giving up unless I think she is doing better without me. I’ll take whatever abuse she throws at me. I’m very strong willed. I truly believe paths in lives cross for a reason. Whether these encounters are brief or whether two trails overlap for a lifetime, there is a purpose for the crossing. Although the reason may not be clearly understood, may not turn out to be what we want it to be, and may not even be significant, there is something positive to be taken from each experience. You have to be thankful for everyone in your life...the good as well as the bad, whether they are in the past, the present, or in the future! Never giving up!

be wary of this....because it would make me bail. Untreated ptsd is a monster that whispers in your ear about how much better off people would be without you. Someone professes undying love? Oh ya..I'm gone. Because where I go chaos follows.

I think it's amazing that you want to stay in her life but until she gets treatment her life is gonna be a lot of us and downs. My suggestion is to treat her like a feral cat. Keep your distance and let her come to you.

 

[EveHarrington]

I’m never giving up unless I think she is doing better without me. I’ll take whatever abuse she throws at me. I’m very strong willed. I truly believe paths in lives cross for a reason. Whether these encounters are brief or whether two trails overlap for a lifetime, there is a purpose for the crossing. Although the reason may not be clearly understood, may not turn out to be what we want it to be, and may not even be significant, there is something positive to be taken from each experience. You have to be thankful for everyone in your life...the good as well as the bad, whether they are in the past, the present, or in the future! Never giving up!

These statements really concern me.

One of the most important things that a supporter can do in any relationship is to have strong boundaries.

Allowing her to abuse you in any way possible, is a sign of weak boundaries.....you may say it’s a matter of being strong willed, but I’m not so sure.

If you allow her to walk all over you, she’s going to lose respect for you.

I know you love her, but I think it is a bit idealistic and perhaps somewhat naive to stay with someone who is treating you poorly, even abusing you, in the name of gleaming something positive from the relationship.

 

[Tinyflame]

Having been on both sides of the fence, I do not understand, either, how much to give before giving up, or when others should give up on me (rightfully so).

I do think it takes a very long time to deal with, and a short time is like a plant with no root, in so far as it took me decades to even begin to understand my own realities/ reactions/ even lack of reactions.

I do think the better the relationship when at the beginning, or the better the person, the harder it was to stay (unfortunately), or simply less likely. But she may be different.

Good luck to you.

 

[Peaceful]

Can anyone elaborate on setting boundaries? Maybe give a few examples?

 

[Sweetpea76]

Boundaries are your limits. You cannot control anybody else’s behavior, so you set limits for yourself and people in your life can choose to respect them or not. If they do not respect your boundaries then it is up to you to enforce them.

For example, it’s not “you can’t yell at me”. It’s “if they yell I will not stand here and tolerate it. I will exit the situation until they can talk like a grown up with some sense.” Then if they yell, you leave the room or hang up. Every time.

 

[scout86]

And, to make that work, you don't make threats, you make promises. You don't say you'll leave for good, for example, unless you really intend to do it.