Other Enhancing internal communication

[Ireusa]

I have been recently diagnosed with a dissociative disorder (in addition to PTSD, which I already knew).

I have been doing trauma therapy with an amazing therapist and parts work specifically for quite a few months now.

Right now 2 of my -broad- goals are:

*Reducing compartmentalization.
*Enhancing affect regulation.

I understand that practice and lots of internal communication could be the answer. I'm not good at internal communication. I do journal and sometimes my protector chips in.

I know that therapy is most productive when there is hard work both in and out of therapy. I do work very hard, but I feel that if I could get my protector more engaged it would really help.

She is currently not agreeing with waking up my young self, who is the trauma holder. Therefore, things are paused as of now. I am trying to teach her compassion by being compassionate but no luck so far.

What insight or ideas could you give me so that my protector is more engaged in therapy/is more compassionate?

I'm feeling a little defeated and I need help.

 

[bellbird]

She is currently not agreeing with waking up my young self, who is the trauma holder.

Sounds like Protector is taking her role very seriously, which is really honourable. :) might it be helpful to have a conversation with Protector to let her know that ultimately, therapy and processing will still align with her goals as well as those of all of you?

Maybe you could also involve Protector in some background work where you build up resources -- safe spaces for parts, grounding techniques, an understanding of what therapy will involve, etc. so that perhaps she will feel more comfortable about waking up your young self knowing there are lots of tools in place to make that as safe as possible?

And to let Protector know that there are lots of other ways she can protect you all, beyond just preventing young self from being woken?

 

[Ireusa]

Sounds like Protector is taking her role very seriously, which is really honourable. :) might it be helpful to have a conversation with Protector to let her know that ultimately, therapy and processing will still align with her goals as well as those of all of you?

Maybe you could also involve Protector in some background work where you build up resources -- safe spaces for parts, grounding techniques, an understanding of what therapy will involve, etc. so that perhaps she will feel more comfortable about waking up your young self knowing there are lots of tools in place to make that as safe as possible?

Yes! That is exactly it. However, when I think about doing that my brain becomes mush and I get very confused.

Could you give me some specifics about what therapy will involve so that she understands that we ultimately want the same and she feels more comfortable?

She has protected me from my young self and the memories all these years and I can't seem to make her understand/see that my young self was not at fault/deserves to "live"/needs help. And also, that when my young self feels finally safe things will calm down. I don't know how to approach it/what to say.

And to let Protector know that there are lots of other ways she can protect you all, beyond just preventing young self from being woken?

My therapist keeps on hinting this. That she might feel scared/overwhelmed to not have a job. I said I could trust her with protecting my young self but she doesn't even like her. Other than that I don't know what other roles she could have.

 

[bellbird]

However, when I think about doing that my brain becomes mush and I get very confused.

Yeah, I understand :)

Could you give me some specifics about what therapy will involve so that she understands that we ultimately want the same and she feels more comfortable?

I think the best person to talk therapy specifics with would be your therapist :)
A lot of us here are in trauma therapy, but specifics wise there are a lot of differences.
-will you be doing EMDR?
-what will you be using for bilateral stimulation (if EMDR)? (some people use buzzer thingies, others (like me) can't and their T uses a wand for instance?
-how regular your appointments will be?
-whether there will be the opportunity for a follow up session the next day (or soon) if things get particularly rough after a session?
-will your therapy involve some talk-therapy too?
etc etc

She has protected me from my young self and the memories all these years and I can't seem to make her understand/see that my young self was not at fault/deserves to "live"/needs help. And also, that when my young self feels finally safe things will calm down. I don't know how to approach it/what to say.

Yeah, I understand that too.
And it'll take time, right? She has done a great job by protecting you from your young memories, and has probably done so well at that by being so focused on that one thing. So it's going to take a little while to move away from focusing on that so strongly.

Maybe it'll be through therapy, through the processing of this all, that Protector will get to see that young self was not at fault -- maybe the therapy won't only be helpful for allowing young self to be awake and heal, but also help Protector to see things from a different perspective? Just some thoughts :)

Other than that I don't know what other roles she could have.

Well, as protector, it might be good for her to have a good handle on your grounding techniques, so that if a moment arises where they are needed, she could step in and implement them?
Or she could make sure that you keep up your self care during trauma therapy (eg. taking meds on time, getting sleep, eating, drinking water, exercise, self soothe mechanisms, etc).
Are there any protective mechanisms that she feels particularly inclined towards?

 

[Ireusa]

will you be doing EMDR?
-what will you be using for bilateral stimulation (if EMDR)? (some people use buzzer thingies, others (like me) can't and their T uses a wand for instance?
-how regular your appointments will be?
-whether there will be the opportunity for a follow up session the next day (or soon) if things get particularly rough after a session?
-will your therapy involve some talk-therapy too?
etc etc

We have tried some modified EMDR at times but it is not the main method we use. My therapist uses a mix of sensorimotor therapy+tcbt and at times EMDR (the buzzers).

It focuses on parts work. A lot of journaling and talk therapy. Pendulation and titration.

Once a week for an hour.

All the rest of things that you say make perfect sense. It is a big shift and I know that it is hard. It is just every time that my young self is not awake is another day she does not exoerience safety and love (my young self is currently asleep/paused in my safe space) and that is crushing me. That is why I wanted to try to help my protector to see if we could move things along.

My protector used 2 groubding tools basically: self harming and complete detachment from emotions (a freaky calmness).

Other than that she doesn't feel confident about anything else. But I could see her doing some managerial stuff like what you said. I was hoping for her to want to care for my young self -since I'm not sure I could stay grounded for long around my young self, and I think she could- but my protector doesn't want to do anything with her for now.

You are right that it takes time. It is just hard. I thought that maybe imoriving my internal communicatiin skills might help as well. Who knows?

Thank you for your thorough answers and support.

 

[Skywatcher]

My protector is good at putting a fear wedge between me and my therapist. My T actually handled it with a ton of empathy towards her. She would say that it makes sense why she would be trying to keep T out of the equation. She also asked me to look at what age I believe my protector to be. She was really young. So we treat her the way a child would need to be treated. A healing place with coloring, toys and caregivers. This kind of helps shrink her down to a young human form.

My trauma parts tend to hide at times. It may be possible that your protector isn’t the one blocking you from them. This year is when I’ve really been able to gather my parts for hugs and comfort, but I will see my protectors and some trauma parts in the distance. I welcome/invite them, but they are still keeping their distance.

 

[bellbird]

My protector used 2 groubding tools basically: self harming and complete detachment from emotions (a freaky calmness).

I get you.
One of my parts, Ed, protected us primarily through self harm of various forms.
The most helpful thing I found for working with Ed, was to decode what that self harm was bringing him.

Control.

He wanted (or perhaps more accurately, needed) control, since it was taken away from us during the Abuse Years.

So we tried to find something else that would give him adequate control. In the end I think we found it when we weren't really looking; my university assignments (Masters level) -- being able to control what we study, what techniques we learn, how we want to present our findings. Ed loves it.

He still has SH urges, but they're now sprinkled among these other ways to now find control.

I was hoping for her to want to care for my young self -since I'm not sure I could stay grounded for long around my young self, and I think she could- but my protector doesn't want to do anything with her for now.

Yeah, I get this too.
Are there any other parts besides Protector who could help?

 

[Ireusa]

She also asked me to look at what age I believe my protector to be. She was really young. So we treat her the way a child would need to be treated. A healing place with coloring, toys and caregivers

My protector is around 17-19 and behaves just like a teenager would. I've been thinking of letting her use the conference room for internet access. A couple days ago I got a coffee the way she would like it. I'm trying to get closer to her.

My therapist asked me about her interests. How did you learn more about your parts?

I get you.
One of my parts, Ed, protected us primarily through self harm of various forms.
The most helpful thing I found for working with Ed, was to decode what that self harm was bringing him.

Control.

He wanted (or perhaps more accurately, needed) control, since it was taken away from us during the Abuse Years.

So we tried to find something else that would give him adequate control. In the end I think we found it when we weren't really looking; my university assignments (Masters level) -- being able to control what we study, what techniques we learn, how we want to present our findings. Ed loves it.

He still has SH urges, but they're now sprinkled among these other ways to now find control.

Yeah, I get this too.
Are there any other parts besides Protector who could help?

Not that I know of. For now, it is myself, my protector and my young self. I think there used to be a kid but I think it integrated with my young self, or something like that.

I am happy to read that Ed is feeling complete and content being in charge of that. It is ecactly what you said. My protector is all about control.

Thank you for your insights.

 

[Skywatcher]

My protector is around 17-19 and behaves just like a teenager would. I've been thinking of letting her use the conference room for internet access. A couple days ago I got a coffee the way she would like it. I'm trying to get closer to her.

My therapist asked me about her interests. How did you learn more about your parts?

My parts don’t really have a lot of depth, per say. They are more or less ep’s that need care or have a specific job to do. I basically give them what a younger version of myself would want. I would say that our conflict is typically “who is in the drivers seat?” as my T would say. We work hard to get my parts into healing places. My teenagers are also the hardest to work with. They typically get to walk on the beach or explore trails, camping. My little ones are with cloned care givers. They have a farmhouse and stuffed animals, crayons. We have even given them sound proofed rooms in case they need to scream.

My older parts used to care for the little ones. That was becoming a problem because they needed to focus on their own healing. This is when everyone needed to be divided by age so that everyone can heal and I can take care of them.

 

[Ireusa]

My parts don’t really have a lot of depth, per say. They are more or less ep’s that need care or have a specific job to do. I basically give them what a younger version of myself would want. I would say that our conflict is typically “who is in the drivers seat?” as my T would say. We work hard to get my parts into healing places. My teenagers are also the hardest to work with. They typically get to walk on the beach or explore trails, camping. My little ones are with cloned care givers. They have a farmhouse and stuffed animals, crayons. We have even given them sound proofed rooms in case they need to scream.

My older parts used to care for the little ones. That was becoming a problem because they needed to focus on their own healing. This is when everyone needed to be divided by age so that everyone can heal and I can take care of them.

That was quite creative. I'm glad it's working out for you. My protector lijes to hang out by the beach and do bodyboarding?.

Thank you for sharing part of your inner world with me. ?

 

[Wendell_R]

My protector used 2 groubding tools basically: self harming and complete detachment from emotions (a freaky calmness).

My protector is around 17-19 and behaves just like a teenager would.

It sounds like your protector part is feeling very vulnerable. I wonder if it's that part that needs to feel safer?

I found out more about my parts by giving them pages in a journal (we make collages of pictures we find in magazines and the internet), writing stories, and letting them draw pictures. Maybe the most important thing was for Big Wendell to just be quiet and listen. The way he protected was always to speak for the little ones. Sometimes he was afraid they would be hurt, even though they were safe with our therapist. Sometimes he was afraid of what they would say. Now, he tries to stay more quiet and the little ones know that they can ask him to be quiet, too.

Another point is to not get fixed that your parts are a certain way. I have found that my perceptions change, and the parts themselves change, too.

It takes a lot of practice, and compassion. Compassion might be the most important--knowing you are all related, as it were, and learning to respect one another.

 

[Starfire]

One of my protectors prevents young ones from remembering. Protector has all kinds of ways to prevent memories from surfacing.

We enlisted P to help let her remember one thing. Just one, just briefly, then close the door. It was letting her remember her favorite doll. P needed to learn how to let one thing come forward and how to stop further memories from flooding. As Protector she had had her foot firmly on the closed door. It was staying closed!

Next asked for only favorite color. Slow process. But when we got to a potential problem...a room...we asked P if she wanted other protectors to be around to help. In case the door got stuck. At first she took offense..perfectly capable of doing her job..but said ok.

We had to retrain Protector in a more helpful way to do her job. At times she slammed the door shut. But then she learned there were others who were willing to come comfort her protectee. But P retains the power to slam the door..her purpose/duty. We get to make improvements in T & in the way the system functions together.

No way do my Protectors understand therapy, it's goals, it's benefits. They know their job, dedicated to it, do it well. We still need them doing it too. Just a little change in how they carry out their mission.