Going to discuss something I'm really ashamed about

[susannahsays]

I was originally going to title this thread "Going to discuss shameful topic." However, I think that it is a cognitive distortion. At least, if I am to believe things the therapist has told me in the past related to this topic, I do not need to be ashamed.

Still, the shame is intense and deep-rooted. I guess that's why I'm making this post. I think it will help me feel accountable to follow through by voicing an intention to talk about this topic. I would also really appreciate any words of encouragement or support because I am honestly really anxious about this. I do trust the therapist to respond in a way that does not reinforce my negative beliefs or self-blame. It is HUGE that I am going to talk to her about this. I never thought I'd acknowledge this issue to anybody, ever.

I'm not sure I'd be considering doing this if it weren't for the fact that we're doing teletherapy at the moment due to COVID-19. While I doubt I'd actually abruptly terminate a session because it seems really rude, it is much easier to remove myself from the situation by terminating the session with the click of a button than it is when we meet face to face - so if something goes wrong, I don't feel trapped. And at home, I have my dog with me, which helps tremendously. He is all of 7 pounds, but he makes me feel safe and grounded.

 

[grit]

Hi @susannahsays

I am sorry if I am a bit dense but is the shame -the feeling you are having of your therapist during the telephone session and you feel shame that you could just terminate with a click of a finger?

If this is the feelings that are giving you shame, rest be assured you have the right to have any sort of feelings internally and also the power and choice not to act on them if you do not feel that...it may help you to name what this feeling is below the shame - is it getting back to the therapist, or someone else or just a feeling of empowerment and you are not familiar with feeling of empowered, does it feel shame to you to have power, or is it another feeling altogether?

By reading your post, I was struck with this quote:

so if something goes wrong, I don't feel trapped

That alone says the feeling you have is positive in the sense of what you may have experienced in the past but your reaction is like if someone else is judging you. the feeling of not being trapped is powerful, and I think you can cultivate it.

Not sure that makes sense.

 

[Friday]

I was originally going to title this thread "Going to discuss shameful topic." However, I think that it is a cognitive distortion

10 points to your side! Fantastic catch.

 

[Rumors]

I think I would discuss the entire topic with your therapist before talking about what is actually causing you shame...just my opinion.

 

[pam4him]

Trauma often brings unwarranted shame, through a lot of what if games we play with ourselves. The hardest thing, at least for me, was to learn that I was not in control, regardless of why (age, physical or emotional restraint, etc.) The therapist hopefully will guide you through this process into understanding and processing the shame. Prayers for peace and strength.

 

[susannahsays]

I think I would discuss the entire topic with your therapist before talking about what is actually causing you shame...just my opinion.

I'm not sure exactly what you mean, but we have talked a lot about things that have happened to me. She does know a great deal about the topic. I just find it really difficult to talk about certain aspects.

@grit I am not ashamed at all of having control to terminate the session. I don't find control provokes shame feelings for me - I actually struggle with being a bit of a controlling person at times. The shame is related to abuse I experienced.

 

[osiris]

@susannahsays I am adding my voice to give you more of the support you deserve.
In my experience the things that we are ashamed of are almost impossible to think about sharing. It is brave of you that you are at the point where you feel you can do this. I hope you can continue to use your voice and understand your strength and resilience.

 

[susannahsays]

Update

I had my session yesterday. I was feeling pretty awful due to staying up extremely late. While my natural sleep rhythm is inconveniently outside the average range by a wide margin, I had stayed up late even for me (until 4:30 or 5 in the morning). Anyway, when I do that, I tend to feel kind of sick. Maybe it was that or maybe it was a truly hot day. Anyway, I was feeling hot and that is a trigger for me.

Don't get me wrong - I did not use how I felt as an excuse to avoid doing what I had intended. At least, I attempted to do what I had intended, and although I did not succeed in disclosing fully what I had intended, I feel like I laid the groundwork. I will take the subject up again in my next session. I figure it's ok to move slowly on this as long as I stay aware of if I am engaging in avoidance.

 

[susannahsays]

Thank you, @osiris, I really appreciate that!

 

[grit]

@grit I am not ashamed at all of having control to terminate the session. I don't find control provokes shame feelings for me - I actually struggle with being a bit of a controlling person at times. The shame is related to abuse I experienced.

thank you for clarifying @susannahsays . You are brave to share your feelings of shame and hope your therapist is able to assist you to see those shameful feelings we are burdened with because others abused us. How unfair life can be sometimes.

Be kind to yourself.

 

[Wonder Woman]

Update

I had my session yesterday. I was feeling pretty awful due to staying up extremely late. While my natural sleep rhythm is inconveniently outside the average range by a wide margin, I had stayed up late even for me (until 4:30 or 5 in the morning). Anyway, when I do that, I tend to feel kind of sick. Maybe it was that or maybe it was a truly hot day. Anyway, I was feeling hot and that is a trigger for me.

Don't get me wrong - I did not use how I felt as an excuse to avoid doing what I had intended. At least, I attempted to do what I had intended, and although I did not succeed in disclosing fully what I had intended, I feel like I laid the groundwork. I will take the subject up again in my next session. I figure it's ok to move slowly on this as long as I stay aware of if I am engaging in avoidance.

Laying the groundwork is good. There is nothing wrong with taking baby-steps. You are moving in a positive direction.

Shame binds us in a prison where we don't belong. I'm sending you thoughts of strength and peace to confide in your therapist, and break free from the shackles of shame.

Safe hugs. ?

 

[Rumors]

Still, the shame is intense and deep-rooted

This is what I mean... deep rooted in what? You need to discuss the intensity of the shame you feel and where it comes from before you actually discuss the thing you are ashamed about. If you can't get to the crux of where the shame comes from you will continue to have it every time something comes up and that isn't progress... just my opinion