I'm not sure if anyone is still following this topic, but I wanted to know if anyone experienced this sensation when people are being affectionate toward them. I've been searching everywhere trying to find out what this means because I'm pretty sure it's not normal and the way it happens is so weird. Ever since I was a child, I remember feeling a painful feeling that was transient and would pass in a matter of seconds. I still experience it and it's driving me crazy, and I feel too ashamed to talk about it to my therapist, even though I've told her other things about past sexual abuse. I'm not even sure this is related to those experiences. I feel this way when someone shows me affection, mainly mother figures but has happened with other people as well, including men who were kind. In that moment, I get that painful sensation that almost spreads through my body like an electric shock for just a couple of seconds and my breathing becomes heavier.
Hi, LeoGirl.
I'm sorry you are experiencing painful body memories of the abuse, while people are being kind and affectionate toward you.
So far, the body memories I experience have not been linked to the kindness or simple affection of others. However, I do experience particular body memories in specific types of situations. So I understand how frustrating that can be.
In my personal experience, I get a terrible pain in my lower back which speaks across to my hips. This pain comes when I stand-up for myself. It sucks, because the pain is sharp and catches my breath, making it difficult to maintain my train of thought as I attempt to assert myself.
Another experience I've had with body memories has occurred while I was intimate with a (now former) boyfriend. It occurred as I would be feeling particularly good, and then - BAM! - terror would flood me, and I'd vomit and cry. I basically would go from enjoying the pleasures of intimate relations with someone I loved, to being raped in a split second. Not fun.
Currently, my body is hanging-out in a perpetual state of rape sensations that fluctuate in intensity throughout the day. This has been going on for weeks now, and is very distressing, to say the least.
From my understanding, the body memories exist to serve a purpose to warn you that you have some work to do in terms of processing the trauma. I know it’s difficult, but I think it might be helpful if you can address this in therapy. If your therapist works with CSA / SA surviors on a regular basis, then she has likely encountered this before.
My psychologist keeps reassuring me that as I continue working through the abuse, the body memories will eventually diminish. She also warned that typically they are the last things to leave us. As in we have to really get far in processing our traumas, before they decide to let us be. Our body wants us to heal, and not keep the junk hidden within us.
Your experience is not atypical. It's just that most of us are too ashamed /embarrassed to talk about it. Be brave for yourself. You were brave enough to post it here. That means you are brave enough to open-up with your therapist, a person you've developed an open relationship with who can help you process this. The only way out is through. I know it's difficult (and completely unfair), but you can do this.
Sending you compassion, peace, and strength.
