Relationship Was it her diagnosed complex PTSD that made her act like this?

[PTSDisaster]

I was reading this thread, I know it's a month ago. But how did the meeting go? How are you doing and what has happened in the past month?

Hope you're doing well

 

[LuckiLee]

Let's take PTSD out of the equation.

About 10 years ago a friend set me up with a male friend of hers. I never met him before. He was fun to hang out with. Dinners. Boating. Common friends.

We went out with a bunch of friends one night. We danced. Talked. Drank. I danced with a guy I have known since I was 7 years old. My date flipped out. Was nasty to me the whole way home. He told me how his ex cheated with his best friend and how it effected him.

I was done. But my friend talked me into trying again. "Give him a second chance" she said. So I did. The same thing happened again. This time there wasn't going to be a third chance.

Until he addressed his issues with trust?? He would continue on this path. He is single to this day.

Trust is hard to come by from a sufferer. And once it is broken it is almost impossible to get back. If it was ever there in the first place.

Breakups suck. Take this time to be kind to yourself. You seem like a great person who deserves the same kindness you put out into the world.

Sometimes people just aren't healthy enough to be in a relationship. And it sounds like she needs to do some soul searching and therapy. She needs to heal before she tries to tackle a intimate relationship.

Good luck!!

 

[DavidMitchell]

I was reading this thread, I know it's a month ago. But how did the meeting go? How are you doing and what has happened in the past month?

Hope you're doing well

It went 'OK'. What happened afterwards shattered me, though.

I loaned her money after the breakup. She was suffering a financial issue at the time. It has been a month since she was due to pay it back, and I have received no communication from her. I originally told her I wanted a quarter back of what I loaned her, but I got nothing or any explanation as to why I received nothing. Thankfully, the money isn't vital to me.

The real issue came about 7-days after we met for the last time. I found out she moved in 'officially' with a guy she had known for about a month. It hurt a lot. Due to her PTSD, it took her about 7 months to class me and her as an official relationship, because she was afraid of being 'burned'. We were together 6-months after that, and while I essentially lived with her, I still paid rent on my own place to gradually ease her into the whole living together thing.

In my mind, I did a lot to help her to ease into the situation as much as possible. I couldn't possibly always get it right. I do not understand PTSD enough. However, I understood her past enough to overcome most issues.

I feel sort-of blindsided that a guy she actually knew for under a month (and only met four times in that month) was a better option than me to live with. Like, she wanted to move slow together. She constantly told me she loved me and how she wanted to spend her life with me. The last day together she said she wanted to marry me. However, all that effort, and all that stress I had to deal with due to her diagnosis meant nothing in the end. Not if I could just be cast to one side for somebody that barely knew her. I mean, the whole reason WHY we were not living together was her PTSD diagnosis, but apparently one guy was brilliant enough for her to cast that to one side, and enough to never talk to me again, despite being together for a year and me doing my best to help her.

I know she always has a right to choose who she wants to be with. She is a person. I still love and care for her in exactly the same way. I just feel a little bit sad that I almost wasted my time and suffered severe mental stress due to the entire situation. I have lost a year of my life. Maybe longer as it is now tough to trust somebody again, because I now know that somebody can love you one day and move in with a different guy the next, no matter what you do for them.

So, while the meeting was fine, and I cried a LOT at the meeting, it was what happened after the meeting that makes me feel awful. It is almost as if she doesn't care about me. We spoke at the meeting, but despite spending 6-hours to get there, she asked me to leave after 1.5-hours because she was really tired. I did not receive everything back, because it wasn't ready, and I had no ability to carry it back anyway. I would have done if the previous time I met she said "don't take the stuff, I won't break up with you". So, I just told her to sell it.

She won't even do the ONE thing I asked and block and delete me on Facebook. It is as if she is just there to torment me now. She knows why I had to be blocked and deleted, but nope. Now she is holding the whole money thing over my head, because she knows I will never ask for it. She knows that whenever I loaned her money in the past, I would feel guilty for asking for it back. The one saving grace for her now is that we no longer have that connection where she feels it needs to be paid back.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Block and delete her. Why does she get to have that control? You’re in charge of your life.

You’re never going to get that money back, and that says more about her than it does you. She used you and didn’t have any qualms about it. She had no problem being a financial burden on you, and it seems like her mother too.

New guy isn’t better, he’s a distraction for somebody who isn’t dealing with their mental illness. She’ll use him too.

At least you found out now instead of after years of marriage and kids. Consider it a bullet dodged. It hurts and sucks now, but over time you’ll see it clearly.

 

[DavidMitchell]

Block and delete her. Why does she get to have that control? You’re in charge of your life.

You’re never going to get that money back, and that says more about her than it does you. She used you and didn’t have any qualms about it. She had no problem being a financial burden on you, and it seems like her mother too.

New guy isn’t better, he’s a distraction for somebody who isn’t dealing with their mental illness. She’ll use him too.

At least you found out now instead of after years of marriage and kids. Consider it a bullet dodged. It hurts and sucks now, but over time you’ll see it clearly.

I could block and delete her.

The problem is that due to the way in which Facebook Messenger works, even if I block and delete her, she still appears in my contact list. This means I have to look at her face each time I head on Facebook.

The only way around that is for her to block and delete me.

I know I have zero chance of getting the money back now. It just sucks that the day before she was meant to give it back she said "I was never using you for your money"

She was a financial burden. I worked exceedingly hard, but I did it out of love. Now I have no idea why I was doing it. But, stupid me, I would probably do it again.

Sadly, I cannot split what is PTSD and what is part of her. Sometimes it was obvious (when i saw her be triggered which lasted days), but other times, I do not know what her personality is. I do not even think she knows now. The PTSD is now part of her personality, because the whole situation started when she was 4. She had no ability to develop a personality distinct from it.

 

[Ronin]

That? On her.

Using people like that, financial exploitation, lies? On her.

That ain't PTSD.

PTSD could be being shit with money. Attention + planning + days lost in the past + stressors not managed + bills get too much = whoops, disaster.

But the lying & using people for it is her choices.

So nah, not like you "don't get it enough" homie. More like you are a good guy who got used.

And that sucks in so many ways but is not because you suck, but because her choices do.

You so deserve someone fair and who will make you happy and be trustworthy.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Sadly, I cannot split what is PTSD and what is part of her.

It’s all her. PTSD isn’t like demon possession or alien brain suckers. It’s still her. She’s a person with PTSD.

 

[DavidMitchell]

It’s all her. PTSD isn’t like demon possession or alien brain suckers. It’s still her. She’s a person with PTSD.

Thanks for correcting me. As I said; I do not really understand PTSD. This was the first time I encountered it. I tried to learn, and I do admit I got things wrong in the relationship. Things I knew I shouldn't have done.

I understand it is still her, though.

 

[Mee]

Re face book messenger - having blocked and deleted her you can ‘archive chat’. You will no longer see her as a contact or the old conversation.

You totally have this power.

 

[DavidMitchell]

Re face book messenger - having blocked and deleted her you can ‘archive chat’. You will no longer see her as a contact or the old conversation.

You totally have this power.

I can't seem to get that to work. I have blocked a past client on Facebook and done the same, but their chat head is still in the list.

Hmm. I'll tinker around some more.

At the moment, I am partially thinking I don't want to block just in case she needs help (or she pays me my money back), but I know that is a long shot, and I am delaying the inevitable.

 

[Sweetpea76]

If she needs help she can ask somebody else... she’s obviously good at getting people to take care of her. Don’t let her continue to use you.

I’d send her your PayPal info and tell her to send you the money, then delete her.

 

[Movingforward10]

@DavidMitchell , I'm sorry. Her behaviour is mean and unkind. You (and this new guy...she hasn't just morphed into a considerate person overnight, so no doubt she will behave the same with that person) don't deserve that behaviour.

I hope you show yourself some kindness. You sound a generous, thoughtful and considerate person. This is her loss,not yours. I also hope you don't take her back if her relationship with this new guy breaks down. I hope you build some boundaries around you.

Get back in contact with your friends, stay in contact with them, build new friendships, get a full life for yourself and put this 1 year down to experience and learning.