To put things briefly, on the 1st of January a friend of mine (K) did something that I think dances on the line between sexual harassment and sexual assault. They've been my friend since we were in secondary, around 7-8 years now, and we've always been close. So close that I felt no issue disclosing the experiences I've had with COCSA and the other experiences I have had with things like sexual harassment and otherwise predatory behaviour growing up. They knew I had specific boundaries, and while I am not exactly shy about sharing aspects of my sex life with friends (we are all very close knit and open, to the point that we tend to overshare to each other), I make my boundaries clear. They violated those boundaries on 2 occasions. The first one wasn't that bad, they essentially accidentally triggered my memories of the COCSA I went through by repeatedly asking for sex as a joke, and then accidentally (I want to stress accidentally, they fell over as they have 0 coordination and grabbed my boob) touched me, the combination of which sent me into a bit of a spiral. They were extremely apologetic as soon as they were sober enough to realise what happened and why I was upset. I was quick to forgive as I took it as them drunkenly making jokes that went too far especially when combined with the accidental touch. Generally, an accident that they said wouldn't happen again. I didn't blame them, more so myself for being so sensitive and letting my emotions get away from me. However the more recent example was a lot less accidental.
To put it short, they got extremely drunk. They have an issue with emotional drinking, and despite drinking with us on other occasions and being fine, this time their emotions took hold and they began drinking excessively. They have severe mental health issues (depression, anxiety, OCD, etc), and was about to finish therapy (as in the UK, unless you're going private the services usually only are able to support you for a small amount of time, 24 weeks maximum for most services) so I believe that's what triggered this outburst. Without going on too long, this lead to a steady escalation of bad behaviour which eventually led to my boyfriend and one of my friends to try and hide the alcohol. K tried to fight my boyfriend, which btw was a terrible idea as my boyfriend is a black belt and buff as f*ck meanwhile K is a twig, but they then almost started smashing glasses, so I grabbed them while my boyfriend and other friend sorted out the alcohol situation. I restrained K by putting their hands behind their back. That's when they started to touch around my vagina, but not in a gropy way. It was more like tapping, fairly hard tapping but not painful. This freaked me out and I told them to stop, because they were touching my vagina, when they responded along the lines of "Oh am I? Well you put my hands there." and then continued. I let them go and fortunately my partner came back and basically had enough and decided to kick them out the house, one of my friends offering to walk them home so they didn't get hit by a car while drunk or something.
I want to clarify I don't think the touches were sexual in nature, which is mostly why I question the status of this event as a sexual assault, but either way it was a major crossing of my boundaries and put me in a really bad place mentally. Some have told me it would count as SA because regardless of intent they continued when I said no even when I mentioned it was in a sexual area, but idk and I don't really have the energy to care. I do, however, see it as an attempt to emotionally hurt me, as I was still holding them back. Regardless of if they actually had malicious intent, or if they just weren't thinking, the main thing is they set me off into some sort of panic attack or breakdown, and I only remember parts of it but my boyfriend describing that after they left I locked myself in the bathroom and when I eventually came out I started sobbing and begging him to still love me, terrified he'd leave me and terrified I would have to go through everything I went through with the recovery from the COCSA I experienced again. While I didn't completely revert back to where I was before I started therapy for the COCSA, I was set back a bit, and have been struggling with my mental health more so than usual since. So needless to say, for about a month and a half or so, we didn't speak to K at all.
However, this is where my worries come into play. We eventually did start talking with K again, and while there's still awkwardness, and I still wouldn't feel comfortable seeing them in person (we have all agreed we will not be going drinking with them again), we talk online fairly often. They apologised the day after the event happened, and was respectful when I made it clear I didn't want to speak with them for a while, and has made plans to stop drinking and sort out their issues. So while it is still slightly awkward, I am still their friend, and I feel oddly guilty and wrong about this. I feel like I shouldn't be, because of what they did. Part of me feels what they did wasn't that serious and I am just being sensitive, but another part of me knows it still effected me and worries that they might do it again. And I feel like, if one would class this as an SA, I shouldn't even be friends with them at all because knowingly being friends with someone like that is morally wrong under my personal ethics system. But, similarly, I don't want to believe the actions taken that night are indicative of K's actual personhood. They were extremely drunk and was doing things they wouldn't normally do. Not that being drunk excuses that sort of thing but even so I want to give them a second chance, but that leads back to fears of it happening again.
Idk, I want to hear others thoughts on this. On one hand, I want to forgive them because I really don't think K wanted this anymore than I did, and I can tell they feel horrible about it. Not to mention we have been friends for so long. K doesn't do this normally, the last incident which was an accident anyway was about a year, maybe two (my time keeping skills suck) years ago. They also promised to sort out their drinking issue and seek more intensive therapy for their issues. But K has definitely broken my trust, which has left me so conflicted on if I am just over reacting, if I should be their friend at all, if they'll do this again, if they even really care about me, etc. Like, I don't ask much from my friends, just they respect my boundaries. But here we are. I am just so confused on if I am choosing the right course of action, as I have been known to be overly forgiving in the past. The chronicles of my numerous past shitty friendships are insane yet most of them lasted 2+ years because I either didn't realise the things they were doing were wrong since I was so used to that sort of thing, and/or because I gave them the benefit of the doubt over and over again until I had to cut them off. I don't want to throw away a friendship over something that, when put into perspective, seems so minor, but at the same time it was deeply hurtful. But I also don't want to be hurt again or be foolish.
To put it short, they got extremely drunk. They have an issue with emotional drinking, and despite drinking with us on other occasions and being fine, this time their emotions took hold and they began drinking excessively. They have severe mental health issues (depression, anxiety, OCD, etc), and was about to finish therapy (as in the UK, unless you're going private the services usually only are able to support you for a small amount of time, 24 weeks maximum for most services) so I believe that's what triggered this outburst. Without going on too long, this lead to a steady escalation of bad behaviour which eventually led to my boyfriend and one of my friends to try and hide the alcohol. K tried to fight my boyfriend, which btw was a terrible idea as my boyfriend is a black belt and buff as f*ck meanwhile K is a twig, but they then almost started smashing glasses, so I grabbed them while my boyfriend and other friend sorted out the alcohol situation. I restrained K by putting their hands behind their back. That's when they started to touch around my vagina, but not in a gropy way. It was more like tapping, fairly hard tapping but not painful. This freaked me out and I told them to stop, because they were touching my vagina, when they responded along the lines of "Oh am I? Well you put my hands there." and then continued. I let them go and fortunately my partner came back and basically had enough and decided to kick them out the house, one of my friends offering to walk them home so they didn't get hit by a car while drunk or something.
I want to clarify I don't think the touches were sexual in nature, which is mostly why I question the status of this event as a sexual assault, but either way it was a major crossing of my boundaries and put me in a really bad place mentally. Some have told me it would count as SA because regardless of intent they continued when I said no even when I mentioned it was in a sexual area, but idk and I don't really have the energy to care. I do, however, see it as an attempt to emotionally hurt me, as I was still holding them back. Regardless of if they actually had malicious intent, or if they just weren't thinking, the main thing is they set me off into some sort of panic attack or breakdown, and I only remember parts of it but my boyfriend describing that after they left I locked myself in the bathroom and when I eventually came out I started sobbing and begging him to still love me, terrified he'd leave me and terrified I would have to go through everything I went through with the recovery from the COCSA I experienced again. While I didn't completely revert back to where I was before I started therapy for the COCSA, I was set back a bit, and have been struggling with my mental health more so than usual since. So needless to say, for about a month and a half or so, we didn't speak to K at all.
However, this is where my worries come into play. We eventually did start talking with K again, and while there's still awkwardness, and I still wouldn't feel comfortable seeing them in person (we have all agreed we will not be going drinking with them again), we talk online fairly often. They apologised the day after the event happened, and was respectful when I made it clear I didn't want to speak with them for a while, and has made plans to stop drinking and sort out their issues. So while it is still slightly awkward, I am still their friend, and I feel oddly guilty and wrong about this. I feel like I shouldn't be, because of what they did. Part of me feels what they did wasn't that serious and I am just being sensitive, but another part of me knows it still effected me and worries that they might do it again. And I feel like, if one would class this as an SA, I shouldn't even be friends with them at all because knowingly being friends with someone like that is morally wrong under my personal ethics system. But, similarly, I don't want to believe the actions taken that night are indicative of K's actual personhood. They were extremely drunk and was doing things they wouldn't normally do. Not that being drunk excuses that sort of thing but even so I want to give them a second chance, but that leads back to fears of it happening again.
Idk, I want to hear others thoughts on this. On one hand, I want to forgive them because I really don't think K wanted this anymore than I did, and I can tell they feel horrible about it. Not to mention we have been friends for so long. K doesn't do this normally, the last incident which was an accident anyway was about a year, maybe two (my time keeping skills suck) years ago. They also promised to sort out their drinking issue and seek more intensive therapy for their issues. But K has definitely broken my trust, which has left me so conflicted on if I am just over reacting, if I should be their friend at all, if they'll do this again, if they even really care about me, etc. Like, I don't ask much from my friends, just they respect my boundaries. But here we are. I am just so confused on if I am choosing the right course of action, as I have been known to be overly forgiving in the past. The chronicles of my numerous past shitty friendships are insane yet most of them lasted 2+ years because I either didn't realise the things they were doing were wrong since I was so used to that sort of thing, and/or because I gave them the benefit of the doubt over and over again until I had to cut them off. I don't want to throw away a friendship over something that, when put into perspective, seems so minor, but at the same time it was deeply hurtful. But I also don't want to be hurt again or be foolish.