• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Childhood Graphic question but it's bothering me

Status
Not open for further replies.

oakleaves

MyPTSD Pro
I just need to find out if I'm unusual or weird or if my experiences were weird. I find that I sometimes test things out here before I discuss anywhere else and I hope that's ok.

I find a lot of childhood toys and things are a trigger or stressor for me because of the associations with them. For example some childhood games remind me of being lonely or punished or whatever bad thing happened afterwards. I feel sad for the loss of good feelings that other people have. Christmas is a good example of a time where this happens in a range of situations eg Christmas songs. Do others have that...

This is the different worse bit
I also have memories of some things that happened involving toys like small toy objects in the csa when I was a child. I want to say it wasn't that bad but I wondered if anyone else had experiences of children's toys being used their own toys in the abuse or run up to the abuse so not being used as toys for what they were intended. I hope this makes sense as hard to say.
 
Yeah, so I feel like the most common triggers are sexual abuse, self-harm, and suicide, they get trigger warnings on tv, shows, and books. But my triggers? AA batteries lol. Sunflowers, bathtubs, diapers, children crying, adults yelling, it's totally normal to have weird triggers and associations when you're dealing with trauma. Very sorry you're dealing with this, it's awful </3
 
I don't know if anyone will see this but I just feel like I really need to know that I wasn't the only person that this happened to because if feels so weird. Did anyone else have experiences of things they had as toys being used in the abuse like inside used in the abuse. I feel like I am so so terrified to talk about it and terrified that people won't believe me and will think I'm incredibly weird. I'm so scared so scared
 
I find it really, really hard to think about that part of my abuse, but yes, toys were used. A Gumby to be specific. You are not weird for what someone did to you. It is not your fault they used your things to hurt you. I totally believe you.
 
I feel like I am so so terrified to talk about it and terrified that people won't believe me and will think I'm incredibly weird. I'm so scared so scared
Feeling afraid that you won't be believed, and that it's too weird to talk about - these feelings are extremely normal and very common. I know that doesn't make anything feel better, but please know that this is not unusual, especially for abuse that is initiated inside the home, or by a caregiver.

Do you think it might help you to write more about what happened to you?
 
I find it really, really hard to think about that part of my abuse, but yes, toys were used. A Gumby to be specific. You are not weird for what someone did to you. It is not your fault they used your things to hurt you. I totally believe you.
it feels wrong to add a like reaction to this so I just wanted to say thank you for sharing and I am really grateful to you for sharing because it has helped me to feel less alone. I am so very sorry.

Feeling afraid that you won't be believed, and that it's too weird to talk about - these feelings are extremely normal and very common. I know that doesn't make anything feel better, but please know that this is not unusual, especially for abuse that is initiated inside the home, or by a caregiver.

Do you think it might help you to write more about what happened to you?

Thank you. I very very much feel and fear this. I have a constant fear and terror that I will not be believed. My home was weird and my therapist often says that the things I say do not make sense. Not in an i don't believe you way more in a this is not a normal way to treat children you are supposed to care for way.
Some of the not normal things were sort of more common, things like being humiliated for getting upset, being told to go look in the mirror at how ugly my face was when I was upset and crying, being given alcohol instead of water or juice because they had forgotten to take water but had got lager, being made to finish foods I didn't like and not physically forced but shouted at until I gave in and ate it even though I was physically nauseated. So those things I can share. And being hit a lot and bruised which I always say possibly was not that unusal for the generation I grew up in (80's, 90's) . But obviously the csa stuff is very different and because it was with different people it feels harder so I can say about the person who wasn't biologically related to me and talk about that and the things they did but my dad that is different and he was terrifying when he was drunk and violent but when he was not angry and violent and trying to scare me or us it was more like drunk but like oh well this is a thing because I love you or i am playing a game or whatever or in the bath touching and sometimes just in bed at night not sex but sexual things just like touching or groping or being on top grinding all over but this other thing is just different like using my toy plastic animal thing as a game but in my private area. And I feel like I am expected to share this in therapy and I absolutely do not want to at all not at all and I am doing blind to therapist protocol in emdr at the moment and I feel like i am expected to eventually say and I really don't want to. I also am really confused because there was a point it just stopped and I don't know why and this makes me doubt my memories because the anger and violence and being threatening carried on and got a lot worse but this stopped.
 
You don't have to share anything in therapy that you aren't ready for. I do think it was unusual for the 80s and 90s to leave bruises on your child. I had bruises but I was raised during the 60s and 70s. I think it was considered child abuse in the 80s since an ex-friend of mine was investigated by CPS for leaving bruises on her son during the 80s. I'm sorry for all the abuse you suffered but the upside ( if there can be one) is that your are working on your stuff and are here getting support. You don't say how long you've been in therapy but abuse like this takes a long time to process.
 
You dont have to share anything you dont want to. When i was doing emdr my therapist told me she just needed to know how i felt during the processing - i didnt have to share the story or images etc just whether my anxiety levels were increasing / reducing , was how i felt about myself changing or moving ? I also had toys used as part of csa and i found it extremely difficult to work through that. The emdr alongside a highly skilled therapist really helped me and as such i was able to start to deal with the trauma and then also actually talk about it - it was and still is difficult and im still in therapy but have moved forward so much. I wish you all the best in your healing journey.
 
Firstly, I’m so very sorry any of this happened to you.
Secondly, you are not obliged to say anything to a T or anyone else that you don’t want to. Sometimes it’s not helpful anyway. I have previously thought it was ‘how therapy is done’ and therefore you had to, that it was the entire point to share it. Problem shared is a problem halved and all that. I’m learning now that actually that’s not entirely true. Yes it’s important to find ways of alleviating feelings of shame/guilt/whatever else and sometimes it is helpful to say it to someone. But not always and that’s okay.

says that the things I say do not make sense. Not in an i don't believe you way more in a this is not a normal way to treat children you are supposed to care for way.
Yeah, it’s not been my T who’s said this (we’re early in the therapeutic process but I don’t think he would). I don’t think it’s necessarily a reason for being skeptical of the T. I just think they’re maybe quite clumsily admittedly, trying to convey how out of the realms of good parenting your upbringing was. I think it’s an attempt at validation of where you’re at right now emotionally is totally understandable because it was THAT messed up. Something to ask them about and how it’s maybe made you feel?

not that unusal for the generation I grew up in (80's, 90's)
90s kid here. I thought the same as you for a while but nope. Sorry to break it to you, but marks left by violence from parents was definitely not normal at that time. Again, maybe there’s a little bit of mental reluctance to acknowledge just how bad things were?

because there was a point it just stopped and I don't know why
Please don’t feel required to reply I’m just putting it out there. But how old were you when it stopped? Did it coincide with the onset of puberty by any chance? If you are female there’s a pregnancy risk that becomes a ‘problem’ for abusers. And as sick as this is, I think a lot of pedophiles lose interest when a child’s body starts to change and possibly that’s true of boys and girls…

Also, to get back to the initial point of the thread I suppose; I was not abused with a toy as such. But I was abused with objects which belonged to me (hairbrush) and other objects and it adds a whole other layer of shame and confusion I think?
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top