What's the difference between connection with a therapist and dependency on them?

[Movingforward10]

Anyone who has read my diary and threads will know: I am very very attached to my therapist.
And constantly wonder about it.

So, what is the difference between having a healthy connection with your therapist to be able to do this work and make the changes you need to.
Versus being overly dependent on them?

I'm seeing dependency as bad, and connection as good. But maybe that isn't how it is, and you need a bit of both? But what does this all look like and how do you navigate it?
Because long term therapy does turn into a bit of dependency doesn't it? We're depending on them being there for years.

 

[arfie]

i've struggled mightily with this very question. i have been handed off between therapists several times for transference, etc. for me, the diff would be in my support network. when i feel my therapist as the member of a healing team, it is a solid connection. when s/he is my all and everything, it is codependency.

my therapist of the day concurred. my therapy was not able to get very far until i got this symptom.

for what it's worth
this very question made for some interesting and productive therapy sessions. it might be worth bringing it up with your therapist.

 

[Sideways]

So, what is the difference between having a healthy connection with your therapist to be able to do this work and make the changes you need to.
Versus being overly dependent on them?

I’ve had a one T in particular who I ended up having an unhealthy dependence on. For me, the unhealthy dependence was all about the between-appointment distress.

If I need to contact my T between appointments because it may help me manage distress, that’s totally fine for me. If I need to contact my T between appointments and not doing that would create distress, that’s unhealthy.

Separately, if they don’t contact me in return and my distress gets worse, that’s okay, expected even. If my distress gets worse simply because I don’t here back from them, that’s a problem. That’s very hard to gauge as it’s happening (potentially impossible!). And it’s very nuanced - more like a spectrum, rather than distinct Column A or Column B.

But that’s me and my personal measures, having the benefit of a lot of hindsight. I think it will vary a lot from one person to another.

Ultimately, with any T, I want to see increasingly less reliance on them, now that I’m passed the bulk of my trauma processing. It gets worse before it gets better. But once it gets better, it should keep getting better - if it’s not, I need to change something.

 

[Movingforward10]

when i feel my therapist as the member of a healing team, it is a solid connection. when s/he is my all and everything, it is codependency.

Thanks for sharing @arfie and sorry about your experiences.
this is really helpful for me to think about. And makes me think my connection is ok,

this very question made for some interesting and productive therapy sessions. it might be worth bringing it up with your therapist.

I think I tried today, and I think she was trying to say it’s ok. I think I have tried before and I think she has said it is ok before. But I think I will try again.

If I need to contact my T between appointments because it may help me manage distress, that’s totally fine for me. If I need to contact my T between appointments and not doing that would create distress, that’s unhealthy.

Thanks @Sideways . This makes sense. Feeling I’m in the first sentence and not the second. So that’s a helpful distinction.

Separately, if they don’t contact me in return and my distress gets worse, that’s okay, expected even. If my distress gets worse simply because I don’t here back from them, that’s a problem. That’s very hard to gauge as it’s happening (potentially impossible!). And it’s very nuanced - more like a spectrum, rather than distinct Column A or Column B.

I’m pondering this. Because I’m not sure I get the nuance.….
because my distress can get worse simply because she hasn’t replied, or I am putting everything on to her replying which I don’t know if that is about dependency on her or inability to manage emotions or both. So this confuses me, and makes me wonder again if my stuff is unhealthy at times,

Ultimately, with any T, I want to see increasingly less reliance on them, now that I’m passed the bulk of my trauma processing. It gets worse before it gets better. But once it gets better, it should keep getting better - if it’s not, I need to change something.

I feel like this gets better and then goes back again. And then gets better again And back, etc.
so this makes me think I need to change something. But what the heck is that?!

and am I just actually sabotaging at this point? At the end of today’s session I was really glad it ended as I just wanted to run from there, but at the same time I want to stay rooted to the spot. all this inner conflict.

 

[Sideways]

so this makes me think I need to change something. But what the heck is that?!

What would happen if you had bigger gaps between appointments ?

 

[Movingforward10]

What would happen if you had bigger gaps between appointments ?

I can't let go enough to do that.
Had a break for a month over Christmas. And spent the weeks leading up to that pushing T away. But managed fine during the break.
Got a break coming up again.

This is where I feel stuck because half of me thinks making a break might be helpful and the other part can't bear it.

 

[Sideways]

Had a break for a month over Christmas. And spent the weeks leading up to that pushing T away.

Okay, that makes a lot of sense to me. If a month is too big a gap, what about fortnightly instead? It isn’t meant to be a ‘break’, but rather, leaving a slightly bigger gap between appointments.

For me, I was seeing Ts 5 days a week at one point. I’m now at about once a month. But there were a lot of steps in between that.

Idk, just tossing out an idea. You have a very different relationship with your T than I do, so I may not be the best person to be giving suggestions.

 

[No More]

I think connection and dependency are two different things and I personally need a degree of both to be able to trust my therapist. I need to gel with them (connection) and I need to depend on them to be on time, be consistent, be able to deal with whatever I might bring up etc otherwise the relationship isn’t stable enough to do the work.

I think dependency is a fine line and will be slightly different for everyone. I would say therapy is about developing a healthy self reliance, and if that isn’t being developed and you are emotionally totally reliant on the therapist and not using/developing other support networks for me personally that would show I need to take a step back.

I’d also say, if you are finding yourself obsessing over them between sessions, distressed at the thought of not having contact between appointments (emergencies aside), or finding if you do have contact between sessions, if that’s allowed, you would be upset by not having a response, simply because they haven’t replied - that would indicate for me that I was potentially a little bit too dependant on them.

If this is totally unhelpful absolutely ignore me, I’m slightly aware as well the country I come from we typically don’t have between session contact and so my line for dependence might be really different to where that’s incorporated into the therapy

 

[Movingforward10]

Idk, just tossing out an idea. You have a very different relationship with your T than I do, so I may not be the best person to be giving suggestions.

Thanks @Sideways , I find your comments really helpful. Something for me to think about.

totally reliant on the therapist and not using/developing other support networks for me personally that would show I need to take a step back.

So I *think* I use other resources. I speak to my partner and friends. This recent issue, I haven't done. But then I also don't think I can talk to T about it either, and we have moved away from it.

I’d also say, if you are finding yourself obsessing over them between sessions

But I do do this^^^^ and I haven't told T directly about that as I am scared she will say it's too much and remove herself.

distressed at the thought of not having contact between appointments (emergencies aside),

But I don't do this ^^^^. I only contact her in a 'crisis'. Which has been twice recently (last week after she brought a topic up that I couldn't cope with, and a few weeks ago when she cancelled a session as she went to hospital and I checked if the next session was on). Other than that, the last time I contacted her in-between sessions was last August.
She emails the zoom link during the week and I respond with a thank you. That's it.

If this is totally unhelpful absolutely ignore me, I’m slightly aware as well the country I come from we typically don’t have between session contact

No this is helpful, thank you. I am also in a country where typically there isn't contact between sessions. And when she initially offered email between sessions she said it was something she doesn't normally do. She was doing it with me as she felt I needed more and also needed to learn to ask for help.


So I remain stuck with knowing if I am uncomfortable with this because I'm not used to feeling like I need someone in this way, and that need being ok. Or if I am consumed by it and it is too much.

I think actually I haven't told her everything and have kept things hidden from her because I am worried she will say it is too dependent.
Like I re read her emails she has sent. I look at her website. I write about her nearly every day here. So I think I need to say these things to her. And deal with what she says about it.

I asked E about it (my partner), she feels that therapy is helping me and that she can see the difference in me, and she isn't experiencing it as too much.

So maybe I need to really lay it all out with T....

 

[No More]

I think actually I haven't told her everything and have kept things hidden from her because I am worried she will say it is too dependent.
Like I re read her emails she has sent. I look at her website. I write about her nearly every day here. So I think I need to say these things to her. And deal with what she says about it.

This feels more like connection-seeking than dependency to me?

I would agree, it’ll probably feel really icky but if you can lay things out to her, she’d be the best person to judge. It doesn’t sound to me like you are overly dependent on her at all, especially as she is encouraging you to use the support she’s offering, but should she think you are, she’s the best placed person to help with that.

 

[Movingforward10]

Thanks @No More . That makes a lot of sense.

 

[Weemie]

I don't think it's possible for me to become dependent on another person like that, but I also struggle with making connections to other people as well (which my brain interprets as "dependence!") it's taken me about a year of therapy to see my therapist as "my therapist, the person who is assisting me with therapy and who is most familiar with me and my case, and who is best equipped to help treat me" and not like "a therapist, whose job it is to provide therapy, which we are attempting to engage in together."

I am at the point that if our therapy sessions ended abruptly, I would have some type of difficulty with it - it took such a long time for me to find someone so competent and willing to respect my boundaries, and who was able to gain proficiency and familiarity with my history without lashing out at me, and to where I have seen actual, tangible process as a result of engaging in modalities that are targeted to treat the issues I actually have - it would be extremely regrettable to no longer have that resource.

It wouldn't be as severe as someone else with regular attachment/bonding abilities, but it is something that I've come to trust that is there, and we have spent a year building. (And you can see the difference between how I form the "attachment" versus how someone else forms it - it is still ultimately very professional, and not personal - I know little-to-nothing about her personal history, though I have asked some questions like if she's ever endured trauma to be able to gauge how she interacts with this material and I've drawn examples back to her own life before, and I take care with what I say so as not to emotionally overwhelm her - but still)

But I thought I'd add this here as an example of what it looks like when a client, who is actually doing the work, does not have that much of an emotional attachment to their therapist. For me, most of it is rooted in my cognitive understanding of the world: a therapist like mine, who is willing to deliver therapy to me, is very rare, and I am grateful that I can engage in this process the same as another patient. But I know that at the end of the day, I would just move on, and not have that much of an emotional response to it.

If we were to continue to therapy process for a long time (I do not know "how long" she is willing to provide me therapy pro bono) it may be possible that I form an attachment to her beyond the typical, and then - It would be most probable that I'd feel dependent on her, even if I'd never act on it. If I felt like I needed for her to be there, that I could not handle her absence in a typical manner, and those types of feelings are very "anathemic" to my structure as a human being, so who knows.

I would probably seek to remedy that in some manner, and view it as pathological, even though according to all the literature I've read, these attachments to therapists especially in complex childhood abuse victims, is totally ordinary.