I am struggling with a reason to keep fighting

[Weemie]

And my spouse (who has told me she wishes I would just get it over with and end myself) said she talked with her counselor and they said they think my relationship with my psychologist is unhealthy.

I would also argue that the opinion of someone who has told you to "get it over with" and commit suicide is without merit. It's clear this person has no regard for your wellbeing. They are "concern trolling" you by framing their statements in terms of health, but it's obvious that telling someone to kill themselves is cruel. This person doesn't care about whether you are even alive. So, you can freely cast that judgment aside.

 

[Mach123]

I don’t know where you are but I’ll give you my standard reply meaning I’ve been where you are and I feel better and I know you can as well. It’s not going to be easy however.

If I ever feel the way you do again I’ll do the following . Go to the emergency room. Tell them everything you’ve told us here. They will try and stabilize you. They will also lock you up in a psych ward for your own safety and that of others .

This is the right thing to do . It’s a desperate last measure and most people reply at this point oh I can’t do that. Yes you can. The reasons are always more or less the same but they boil down to I can’t .

Maybe it’ll work or maybe not. But If you are as desperate as you’re saying you are what have you got to lose ?

Whatever happens thinking about suicide is a terrible dark place and you need to get out of it . I hope sincerely you feel better .

 

[Solveig]

If I ever feel the way you do again I’ll do the following . Go to the emergency room. Tell them everything you’ve told us here. They will try and stabilize you. They will also lock you up in a psych ward for your own safety and that of others .

This is the right thing to do . It’s a desperate last measure and most people reply at this point oh I can’t do that. Yes you can. The reasons are always more or less the same but they boil down to I can’t .

"Funny" how you tried try to anticipate my response to the hospital with the "most people reply..." section. My C-PTSD defenses give you props because that is what I do with anything, try to anticipate how to counter everything and protect myself. That isn't to say you are doing that at all (this isn't the same circumstance) but the parallels are "funny".

But I will reply to that: part of my C-PTSD is the trauma of being hospitalized and the outright traumatic experiences I have had there. Some locations are very bad and abusive. That has been my experience. Not all are like that for sure, but it has been for me. My psychologist and I have discussed it and a straight hospitalization would not work. And some of the literature (such as "Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors" by Dr. Janina Fisher which had been working through until I started to mentally decline and the entire book became too overwhelming) states that it can be contraindicated and cause more trauma and cause regression. I have extensively discussed it with my psychologist and that is not supported at this time, but we are looking toward a modified inpatient. But I don't have the money (even with insurance) and the ability to take leave from work for that amount of time.

 

[Friday]

I really don't remember what feeling happy or joy is like. It has been a long, long while. I'm answering seriously here.

One of the most PAINFUL things I can think of? Is remembering what JOY felt like. It’s a certain kind of grief/mourning, responsible for sooooo many suicides over holidays & other loci with memories attached.

 

[Solveig]

Overall there is nothing in life I want anymore, except for it to be done. All this effort and struggle to only be met with agony. I am trapped in circumstances I don't want in life and can't escape them. My efforts only met by pain is like walking a thousand miles to find the thing you treasure most, only to be met by bats and fists beating you until you're unconscious. I don't want to make that journey.

 

[Friday]

I do NOT hope that your metaphors are crushed by reality.

I CAN see they would be.

I DO hope you find your reasons.

 

[Realsick]

If you need a reason? You're gonna hit some seeeerioisly dark and painful stretches.

For me'own'self? Just because I can't see the point, doesn't mean there isn't one. Or several. It just means I can't see it! Or them!

Later, when I'm doing better? Pfft the point(s) clear as day, impossible to miss. Which means I was seeeeeriously busy dealing with other shit, to not be able to see it. And grateful as hell I wasn't beating myself up, on top of everything else, demanding to see/know/understand something I'm too f*cked up to do anything about.

Because I've done that, too. Just makes hard shit harder, and take longer. Which I'd rather not do. So these days? If I can't see the point? I'm not fussed. I've got other things going on. Once I'm doing better, it'll / they'll still be there.

I think I’ve just surrendered to the pain and it’s actually a relief. I can’t do anything. I tried calling a psych hospital but was on perpetual hold . Feel catatonia coming on. Going to find what drugs I can and go dark. Maybe I’ll emerge feeling better.

 

[Realsick]

I really don't remember what feeling happy or joy is like. It has been a long, long while. I'm answering seriously here.

Sometimes if you serve those less fortunate your life takes on meaning. Try volunteering at a children’s hospital ward. It helps me when I get out of myself. I’ve felt what you’re feeling and it’s the only thing that makes me feel worthwhile