Therapist of 8 years takes 3 weeks leave to grieve death in the family.

[somerandomguy]

I understand how you feel like you've lost your shelter from the elements, @NightSky. That's a very natural feeling. We come to depend on our Ts so much for emotional regulation, for comfort, for validation. It's a relationship unlike any other in our lives, and we can come to depend on our Ts so much. Perhaps too much.

Lots of good advice in this thread which I won't rehash, but I wanted to add that this is a great opportunity for you to practice emotionally regulating, comforting, and validating yourself instead of looking for your T to provide all of that for you by herself. She'll eventually be back, and you can talk about what it was like for you. You have the tools, and I know it's extremely scary to rely on yourself to use those tools. But I bet that you can.

 

[Weemie]

What would you do/say?

"How was your leave? How are you feeling about it all now? Are you prepared to keep going with our therapy or do you require any more time off? Is our usual pace of sessions too difficult for you or should we keep hammering away at it?"

 

[Movingforward10]

I totally get the challenge when T's go off for longer than usual and also throw in additional time off.
But....
It's for her to judge what time she needs off. She is doing that so she can be the best therapist she can be. Her being off is not actually any indicator or her lack of care about you.
She was available to you for a check in. That is going above and beyond. And she arranged for more care for you by suggesting a therapist whilst she is off for the further period.

What you're feeling is transference. All valid. But worth taking a step back from and working through. All highly painful stuff but the freedom to work through this is great.

Stick with her. This isn't about her. But about very old wounds you're carrying about.

 

[scout86]

It's important for her to heal and grieve for herself,

Just want to add that we don't actually know why she needs the time. Might be to deal with personal feelings of grief, might be to help deal with more mundane logistical problems for other people, might be something else. All we really know is she was able to take that much time and chose to, Depending on the situation, there can be lots of things that need dealing with.

 

[Boston]

I’ve run up against an issue with my therapist of 8 years. She has been incredible and I think I’ve come really far. But I am very disorganized in my attachment with her and I don’t do well when she cancels last minute. I’m an adult and understand situations warrant it. But she cancels more than most therapists I believe. We’ve worked on it consistently over the years.

She gives me advance notice when she’s taking time off, usually.

In late October she had a death in the family that was expected. She didn’t know exactly when it would happen, but when it did, she took three weeks off. I don’t think that was her original plan. But that’s what she said she needed. I did okay coping with that but had a triggering event happen right toward the end of her leave. I met with her and it was somewhat helpful but I was almost in crisis and just couldn’t regulate well. She told me to be in touch and be honest. So that week when she checked in I was honest that I was having a really hard time. And she said since she wasn’t at capacity it might be necessary that I meet with someone else for a while, especially because she was going to go away again in a week. Which I had no knowledge of.

That put up a wall and made me really angry.

I don’t know if I’m being irrational because I can be in this relationship (and really only this relationship).

One issue I have is that I don’t feel like it’s “real life” that life gets to stop for three weeks in order to grieve. Most of us get a few days and we have to be at work or taking care or responsibilities. It feels like a bit of a credibility issue. Like you’re going to help me learn to grieve when you get to stop the world to do it and I have to work and parent do life at the same speed while grieving. (I also had a major loss in the fall).

In hindsight I feel also that leaving for three weeks with no plan in place and no back up feels like abandonment.

She explained that she’s human and needed to heal to be good for her clients otherwise she knew she wouldn’t be able to help them.

My feelings on this are all over the map. What would you do/say?

I know I can switch therapists but I’m so invested in our work and really don’t want to do that. I want to deal with this rupture in a clear headed way that isn’t driven by anxiously attached parts of me.

3 weeks seems very reasonable for bereavement leave. A referral therapist seems to have been a better solution if she was out for 3 weeks and also she indicated she was struggling (with capacity). It doesn’t matter if the death was expected - she needs time off - it’s healthy to take time for yourself. our society taking off only a few days is unhealthy…. Your therapist was brave to share she was at capacity AND your feelings are valid. Sending you good vibes….

 

[Paola]

I work as a therapist. I came searching for this subject because within the last two years I lost a child, had cancer, and lost a parent.

I was very touched by the empathic advice shared in respect to the therapist.

I took two weeks off when my child died because I couldn’t afford to take more. I would have if I could have. That meant I have to do to best I can grieving and caring for myself so I can meet with my clients so that our session is healing for them.

I don’t tell most clients-some of them know what has happened because they were seeing me at the time. I gave as little information as I could to protect them and our work. My newer clients don’t know all of this has happened.

Sometimes I do need to cancel because I’ll have random thoughts of getting justice for my child, and I start sobbing right before a session. I usually always try to create another time to meet when this happens.
Over time my grief has transformed-but my sorrow for this loss will be a part of my daily forever. I don’t want to burden clients unless self-disclosure is necessary, or could be helpful for the clients treatment. I rarely need to do this about my losses or illness.
Sometimes I do feel like clients forget we are humans. That means human things will happen. I can’t afford vacations so I don’t go away for weeks. I wonder if the OP thought the therapist was ‘milking it’? That’s surprising after 8 years together-but we surely don’t have all of the details.

For this client I would have shared the basics and ask the client how she would like to manage this time away. I would have certainly suggested a temporary therapist considering her needs. I would not have offered a check-in (maybe her boundaries with this client are laxer because they have known each other so long.) I speculate.

 

[NightSky]

I work as a therapist. I came searching for this subject because within the last two years I lost a child, had cancer, and lost a parent.

I was very touched by the empathic advice shared in respect to the therapist.

I took two weeks off when my child died because I couldn’t afford to take more. I would have if I could have. That meant I have to do to best I can grieving and caring for myself so I can meet with my clients so that our session is healing for them.

I don’t tell most clients-some of them know what has happened because they were seeing me at the time. I gave as little information as I could to protect them and our work. My newer clients don’t know all of this has happened.

Sometimes I do need to cancel because I’ll have random thoughts of getting justice for my child, and I start sobbing right before a session. I usually always try to create another time to meet when this happens.
Over time my grief has transformed-but my sorrow for this loss will be a part of my daily forever. I don’t want to burden clients unless self-disclosure is necessary, or could be helpful for the clients treatment. I rarely need to do this about my losses or illness.
Sometimes I do feel like clients forget we are humans. That means human things will happen. I can’t afford vacations so I don’t go away for weeks. I wonder if the OP thought the therapist was ‘milking it’? That’s surprising after 8 years together-but we surely don’t have all of the details.

For this client I would have shared the basics and ask the client how she would like to manage this time away. I would have certainly suggested a temporary therapist considering her needs. I would not have offered a check-in (maybe her boundaries with this client are laxer because they have known each other so long.) I speculate.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I definitely didn’t feel my therapist was milking anything. It was an elderly FIL who had been sick for a long time. And she does take many vacations a year. (As in, from april-July she will have been gone for 5 weeks total). She does not think this is a lot. Some months are more regular. But she very routinely leaves the country for 1-2 weeks. And also cancels for life stuff. I’ll create a diff post for this but I’m realizing the issue is me. I just don’t know how to fix it. It comes across like I forget she’s human but I don’t.

 

[Amanda Scammell]

this is nutty.. therapist are human and they have feelings too. they experience life just like others do.. something is wrong that you have had the same therapist for 8 years and you have this much attachment to feel bad and angry that she needs time off?? Death can not be planned most times and losses can cause a deep impact regardless of who it is.. I took a month off for my best friend dying, was she less as important than my mom dying?NOPE. we have to be on 24-7 for our clients. but they tend to forget that we are human beings that have situations of our own.. and most importantly feelings regarding these situations..

 

[NightSky]

this is nutty.. therapist are human and they have feelings too. they experience life just like others do.. something is wrong that you have had the same therapist for 8 years and you have this much attachment to feel bad and angry that she needs time off?? Death can not be planned most times and losses can cause a deep impact regardless of who it is.. I took a month off for my best friend dying, was she less as important than my mom dying?NOPE. we have to be on 24-7 for our clients. but they tend to forget that we are human beings that have situations of our own.. and most importantly feelings regarding these situations..

I mean.. yeah it’s “nutty” (thanks for that) . I’ve been trying to heal my disorganized attachment. My T takes a ton of time off all year. And when I initially wrote this post she had a death or her father in law who had been dying for a year. And I had just lost my grandpa who hadn’t been dying for a year. And It made me question things. Not if therapists are human. I don’t know who you’re saying tends to forget they’re human but I’m not one of those people. And I’m human too. And there was no backup plan. No therapist on call. I’m a teacher. When I lose people close to me I get three days. Does that make it a wrong to take three weeks if she can? Not necessarily. And that’s not what I was saying. I was just trying to deal with my own reaction. No it wasn’t healthy. But we’re all here because we have ptsd right? Fortunately I didn’t get your response when I was in the thick of it and am feeling much stronger now.

 

[Movingforward10]

this is nutty..

This is judgemental.

something is wrong that you have had the same therapist for 8 years and you have this much attachment to feel bad and angry that she needs time off??

And a good therapist will explore the feelings and what drove those reactions, and a good therapist will welcome the honest expression of feelings as it would be rich material to work with. Which is what the OP was asking about and what responses were about.

 

[Weemie]

have to be on 24-7 for our clients

Are you a therapist? Do you demonstrate the same level of judgment to your clients that you showed OP?

 

[whiteraven]

Are you a therapist? Do you demonstrate the same level of judgment to your clients that you showed OP?

I cam here to ask this.