No money = my life is over

[SeekingAfrica]

Every time Ihave under 30$ (even if I need more). Now countries are different, to me that amount equal a week of food if I'm frugal, half week otherwise. It can also mean paying 1 small debt or 1 of the lower amount bills to get them off my chest.
For a few months I've had both mental health and physical health issues. During the summer I was constantly 1 step away from needing a 72h hold, thank God for friends.

I ended up counting coins and making decisions what bill to pay this time and really only planning 3 days ahead for foodwise. Also lapsing on medication for few days few times. Eventually, to getting evicted.

Now, I am home, temporary no rent or food money for parents.

BUT that belief just stuck. When 6 years old- that no money is dangerous. After ptsd in 2010- that specific amount. I may have food, but if there is literally anything coming up too soon that I can't pay, it's like I lose the ability to think clearly and catastophize. And even knowing past has somehow been okay, even having food, or some potential option- I still feel like my life is over, or more so, in danger.

And it's like I can't help it, I get nauseous and so anxious that I can't work and it ends up self fulfilling profecy

p.s. I was born in poverty. Before PTSD even if deep down I didn't like that, I was a pro at navigating it.
THEN I broke. Now I have more things than I can pay even if I'm lucky by Friday, and it's panicking me to a point it's stagnating the small signs of healing happening...

Also leads to stupid decisions like personal loans with insane interest because I just need to pay X bill to calm down enough to work. Not paying rent or food helps, but if you are too panicked to work it's wasted. I don't want it to be wasted. I came here for a reason.

How do I correct that belief?

 

[Movingforward10]

Acceptance. Perhaps radical acceptance.

You have a family (as challenging as those relationships may be) to house and feed you. Give yourself some time to be unwell and get better. Give yourself that permission of time.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Acceptance. Perhaps radical acceptance.

You have a family (as challenging as those relationships may be) to house and feed you. Give yourself some time to be unwell and get better. Give yourself that permission of time.

I still have loans to pay though and I can't lose people over that. The time I took seems to be too long already.
Hopefully I manage something about it.

 

[Midnightmoon]

Is there any sort of 'scale' on what takes more time/ energy/panic? If the lack of money is causing major anxiety and difficulties practically, is that more pressing to 'solve' than the panic about working in the first place?

Or is the thought and practical stuff around work so overwhelming that the pressing need is to limit exposure to it and instead work on the core belief about low finance= that you have somehow failed. (Not true but I think that's how you see it).

I'm guessing there is no welfare system where you are that is accessible?

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@Midnightmoon it's more pressing to resolve my issue with work, yes, core issue can weight if there is another solution. Currently I'm working with half solutions. It's helping gradually, but not fast enough. All I need is a week more, and I don't have it.
No welfare. I just arrived here so I qualify for... nothing.

I may have to hope for a fast loan, though most of those require proof of work and are not good.
I think it maybe something, half of what I need. The rest I need to hope to make the coming week.

Tomorrow I'm working in cafe to be more productive.

If I could get loans for even some of the rest I would, trust me...
It's been a brutal year, I've used all my options.

But I'm still breathing. That's something...

 

[Dynamic]

do you mind me asking how much you need? Might help to see it and have more ideas from it

Although not really the main of this thread sorry.

 

[Dynamic]

Tomorrow I'm working in cafe to be more productive.

Love this

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@Defaultxlove This time I Honesty don't mind? May be solving core issues is problem for later. I need likee 200 euro (for like 6 payments I'm postponing forever, poustponed what i could... again). I think I can manage half, we'll see tomorrow (quick loan maybe but what can you do). I alsout an ad for cheap drawings, hope that helps... as close as I can get to that will be something.

I've noticed that after ptsd, it didn't really matter if I needed 40$ or 400$ if I had no way to get them.

It's a really bad core belief, I know...

 

[arfie]

with no more than asking and sorting the equation, you have already challenged that core belief, seeki. keep sorting. you answers are in there. persistent awareness is the key to changing habits and beliefs.

for what it's worth
i, too, was born to extreme poverty with 10 siblings. seems to me that the sibs who buy that equation that "no money equals life is over" are the ones who are still living in extreme poverty. i believe the financial status of my sibs directly correlates to their level of money worship. not too many of the rich people i have known like money all that much. that's why we don't spend it as fast as the money worshipers. i have always been good with money, starting with collecting soda pop bottles along the roadside as a child. to my simple mind, money is just math and i enjoy math. enjoy, yes, worship, no. being broke is no fun, but it is hardly a measure of my personal worth. i earn money more for something to keep me busy than for the thrills of buying.

 

[Ecdysis]

I know many of us are priviliged enough to live in countries with a legally enshrined safety net that provides things like unemployment benefits or social security for people when they are too ill to work.

I also know many people who are from poorer countries where these things literally do NOT exist. I think for those of us that have grown up in systems with a legally enshrined safety net, it can be impossible to even begin to grasp what it's like to live in a country without such safety nets. I don't think that can be possibly emphasised enough.

Many of us from toxic families or in abusive relationships have experienced the grace to be able to depend on state welfare payments for a time, in order to leave those abusive families of origin or violent relationships.

Many of our ancestors in the the past didn't have those options and were stuck in toxic family and relationship situations - often creating the generational trauma situations that were handed down to many of us.

For those living in poorer countries where "family" and "neighbourhood" and "charity" and "religion" provide the only available social and financial safety nets in times of crisis, poverty, illness, mental illness, etc... it can be really hard... because the level of judgement, stigma, pressure, obligation in such systems is on a whole different level to what is associated with state welfare payments.

One thing that I can really recommend is to get involved with local charities - to get to know what the structures and resources are there - to give (volunteer work) what you are able to (because that's so valuable for self-esteem and because it takes you out of the "victim" and "receiving" role into a more healthy role)...

Try to accept that you may be someone who needs to rely on charity. When I was young, my (mentally ill) parents were too proud to turn to charity. But the local charities could and would have provided all the essential basics that we kids were missing - food, clothing, medical care, social support, school support. Instead, my parents out of mistaken pride chose to avoid those charities and we kids suffered unbelievable neglect, poverty and abuse as a result.

You're not the only one to get into a scrape like this - debt, poverty, physical illness, mental illness, unemployment, homelessness... These are normal human crises, when life's challenges become "too much"... Try to accept that and to accept the help that is available.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@arfie First of all respect. Not sure how I would deal with so many siblings. Maybe a few, but...Yeah. Also, that core belief somehow got beaten into me during the summer that gave me PTSD somehow....Before that yes, I lived in poverty and there were challanges in that, but somehow I was a lot more adept in handling them. And it's like when I got trauma every day for 3.5 month my beliefs got somehow rewritten. The problem is am I challenging that belief to get more money sooner, or am I trying to work more and somehow avoid that belief?

It's weird, core beliefs. I have a roof over my head and I have food, even if it's commented on how much I eat...

But a part of me is still always afraid. That it's undefined how much I'm staying there. I'm equally scared of my parents mentioning that I will have to stay a year in ther opinion seeing my 'lack of progress' and scared of me getting on my nerves so much that they throw me out anyway. I know they would never do that. In his last years of life they took in my relative that abused me at home and took care of him until his passing away, despite of him being abusive literally all his life. To me blood doesn't matter if you are that kind of person, but they are from different generation. So logically they won't throw me out...

But sometimes they forget out agreement about comments and say something that feels like a kick in the stomach. For example on the way out today my mother says I need to get myself together body-shape-wise, even though actually the regular cooked food has done it's job and I can see my body being smoother, a bit better than when I arrived. But my mother doesn't consider that. All she sees is how I look when I was 20kg less than now, so to her it doesn't register. And when my mom makes comments all I feel is the way I am inconveniencing them by being there and still starting to do things so very slowly. I'll figure it out, maybe, but it's tough not to think those things.

As you see, one word and it pors out of me, lol. Sorry.

p.s. working at cafe is great. Forgot some things I need, but it's a start, I have do some research and work on a few applications as well, so why not.

I was SUPER agoraphobic on the way to here, but as I mentioned in January it used to be my hideout office. They have good internet, not that many customers and excellent coffee. Just walking in here felt like home. I have to do it.

@Ecdysis Generally I'm the master of alternative solutions when I'm well. Just like I took personal loans. Also we don't have food drives much, but I found one institution whose food saved me ones. I found it through friend of a friend. I also noticed that since there are a lot of small supermarkets and kiosks with newspaper and fast food items, if you live in a neighnbourhood and they know you long enough, you can get some food on credit from them if the amount isn't too big and you repay withing 2 weeks...that has also saved me few times.

It's not available now, but at some point we had a good center that really improved my state with meds and weekly sessions. Again, I was lucky then. Life is complicated. I have found so many alternative solutions at those times when I had no other option... And I probably can now, just like I asked my mom about the bus and cafe thing. As I said, I have to play on what they are good with (practical) and avoid what they are not(emotions).

So in summary... I'm still surviving and trying to believe that whatever happens this week I will be okay.
Diggng n my issues while here is not ideal...but again, it may help me find a job faster when I return home.

And I am still here. And still trying.

 

[arfie]

But a part of me is still always afraid.

in my own case, this is my focus. fear is an oily emotion which is easily transferred to any target. is that baby hiding a machete inside its blankets?

I'll figure it out, maybe, but it's tough not to think those things.

it is what it is, whether i understand it, or knot. i still invest inordinate amounts of time and energy in trying to figure things out, but my most effecient days are ones where i don't worry how electricity works. i just flip the switch and go.

As you see, one word and it pors out of me, lol. Sorry.

apology NOT accepted. venting and sorting are the reason we gather here.