Dom Violence How to move forward and set boundaries

[anw81]

Thanks again for all the replies here. Does anyone have recommendations for an abuse forum that may be a better place? I know this is more oriented towards PTSD and I feel like I may be distracting from more important posts. Would love to know some places where I could talk more about what's going on with me.

All the abuse is from her.

I lie, I manipulate, I brought my ex into our relationship and broke my wife's mental state with the harassment she brought on top of my betrayal.

what would need to happen in this relationship in order you to feel safe? Would it be possible for you to rekindle your relationships to your family and friends?

I don't feel comfortable doing that as I think it would cause too much conflict with my wife. I have struggled with prioritizing her over others and my family has been really shitty towards her (before she ever did anything to me).

Her behaviour is really really worrying and serious. It's her abuse. Have you ever choked her? I suspect your answer is no.

I have choked her back after she choked me to get her to stop. I've never choked her until she passed out but I have bitten her hand. many times to get her to stop choking me.

And then, why are you accepting her behaviour?

I'm preparing to stand up a lot more and reject it. I've already started and have begun to see a lot more of what is actually going on and how I'm being abused. Your posts and others here have really helped me but I still don't feel like I'm painting a full picture. I've done a lot that has hurt her she's done a lot to help me. I'm better off as a person now than when she met me.... I can't say the same about her at all. She had great friends, was in great shape, had a ton of things going for her and was very happy and chill. She was way out of my league honestly. She's now overweight, has little friend contact, and is depressed/stressed/hyperanxious a lot of the time. I feel guilty for how I've improved as a person and what has happened to her mental state after being with me.

My wife is extremely smart and has helped me out in so many ways. She helped me see a bunch of people in my life that were just trying to use me and get money out of me and helped me cut them out. She helped me out at with my career SO MUCH. She listened to how I talked to people on Zoom and taught me how to navigate the politics and with her help my salary has gone up 600% over the past few years and I leapfrogged up the ladder (yes, not exaggerating here, she's a genius). She is also always trying to help me be a better person, get more organized/responsible, eat healthy etc for my own sake. I went from being a little chubby to now being in great shape and eating so much better than before. I was insecure and bragged all the time and people looked down on me at work. Now I carry myself a lot better and have a lot better sense of self I think.

 

[Friday]

I have choked her back after she choked me to get her to stop. I've never choked her until she passed out but I have bitten her hand. many times to get her to stop choking me.

Define : Self Defence.

Consider : Why someone would tell you that any time you’re defending yourself, you’re being abusive & manipulative?

 

[somerandomguy]

I lie, I manipulate, I brought my ex into our relationship and broke my wife's mental state with the harassment she brought on top of my betrayal.

Even if this was true, which it is not, you do not deserve to be hit or choked because of it. No one does. This kind of violence makes zero sense. You're not attacking her, so why is she choosing to use this kind of deadly violence against you?

 

[anw81]

Even if this was true, which it is not

It is all true, not sure what you're saying is false. I've done a lot of shit that has made her life a lot worse and hurt her a lot. I forget things constantly that she tells me. We'll have routines that we'll both always follow and then one day I forget and do something completely different and throw her off. I tell her I'll change again and again but then I don't and don't put in the effort to fix the problems.

 

[somerandomguy]

And that means she gets to hit and choke you?

 

[Ness]

I am a therapist and I am telling you that her physical violence and her controlling behaviors (making you stand and face her, isolating you by forcing you to cut your family off) are abuse. She may have PTSD but she is also abusing you. They are two separate things. You can't fix her abusive behaviors. You can only set boundaries or leave the relationship, and in this case, I encourage you to leave the relationship as you are at risk of physical injury or death. Reach out to your family, friends, a therapist, and your domestic violence shelter. Please get support and protect yourself.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

My exwife was violent, this was back before anyone thought that the man could be the victim. Anyway, I suffered all sorts of crazy stuff for several years. And then one day I decided that was it. I filled for divorce and instantly I felt years of stress evaporate. She is on husband number nine now.

The other smart thing I did was do a group therapy thing so I could learn why I got into that relationship. There really is an unconscious attraction between abusers and those who become their victims. I never wanted to get into a situation like that again so I took it really seriously. I never did get into another relationship that had that level of conflict again.

 

[anw81]

Overall, I feel like this thread went way different than I expected it to. My wife suffers from some real trauma and I see how it affects her each day. She is extremely depressed but tries her best to get up and face the day. She has a litany of triggers and trauma which easily can ruin any day. All of these things are a direct result of the following happening in our first year:

• me lying to her
• me putting her down and comparing her to my ex
• betraying her by not treating her as well as I did to my ex while still doing things for my ex
• the lawsuits launched by my ex at her
• my family telling my wife that she was just jealous and making excuses for me
• me sending her to jail after she freaked out on me after she lost a lawsuit from my ex due to an absolute shit lawyer I hired
• me manipulating and gaslighting the past to make it seem like I didn't do things as bad or trying to get out of trouble when she gets mad (still happens today)

When I met her she was the sweetest most amazing person I've ever met, and she still is like that when she's not triggered. She does so many acts of service and tries to be nice to me despite all I did to her in the past and the things I still do today.


What's new----
I have been acting differently over the past few weeks as a result of this thread. I recognize that I accept a lot of behavior without question because of the guilt over what I did. All of the control/rules she placed on me is because of what I did (my family hurt her and wouldn't recognize it, she has me cut them off as they trigger her trauma)

A few days ago I complained that she is too controlling. When she asked for an example I said how she doesn't let me have alone time. We dug into it and the problem is that I didn't ask for alone time and I was imagining that she wouldn't let me have it. I also said she was too controlling to have a rule that I can't do two things at once (she thinks I was dating two girls at once and that I always try to do more than I should so need to stop).

A few days later, I broke a cup because I was absent minded thinking about how I was going to set out some sexy heels for her while unloading the dishwasher. She sat me down to talk about how the rules are important and I need to stop doing two things at once. She even knew I was going to think about that so she told me to focus while I unloaded the dishwasher.

An hour into this discussion, she walked away to go to the bathroom and I picked on her saying that she didn't tell me she was going to the bathroom and if I did the same that she would be mad. She said our triggers our different and I said that she shouldn't minimize my trauma from her hitting me. Then I started talking about how she was controlling again and I needed alone time (which we had just fought about me not asking her for). During this discussion I sat down whereas for the past 5 years she's almost always made me stand for our whole discussions. She first said no but then relented when I called her controlling. I also kept standing my ground about how I will not allow her to be physically violent.

For the record, she hasn't seriously hit me in a couple months and over the past couple years it's gone down from almost daily to a few times a year she'll seriously hit me and she's really trying not to do it and recognizes it's wrong. Meanwhile, I still manipulate, gaslight, and lie to get out of trouble.

We ended up fighting all day and the next day over how I keep refusing to follow the rules which are in place to keep me from triggering her, I reject all punishments now, and how I put her down by calling her controlling over me not having alone time and how I always make snide remarks about the rules and her being controlling. It ended with me agreeing to follow the rules, not reject punishments when I hurt her, and me agreeing not to put her down and make mean remarks at all.

After this we went out for dinner and ice cream, later at night though she had an extreme stomach ache from the stress of 2 days of fighting. This hasn't happened for almost a year and so it was pretty bad. She was throwing up for an hour and then the day after (yesterday) her period came 7 days early (she usually has them very regular) and today she's been in bed all day depressed and not feeling well.

This morning we talked about how I can't fight with her or try to compare my trauma as it causes so much pain to her. I just need to accept what she says. I insisted on sitting about an hour into this discussion. She said because I sat the last few fights we fought so long before because I don't try to end it like I do when we stand.

She wanted a new rule around no sitting for me during fights. She said that I need to trust her with any rule as it’s never anything big that affects me or is for protecting us or for my character flaws. I would mostly agree. She said that i trusted past with all my money and now I can’t trust her to make small rules Said she needs control over this small thing when I gave control over all my finances to my ex by loaning all my money and now I can't trust her at all.

I gave in because I don't want to hurt her anymore and said she can set any rule she wants.

I'm not sure if this helps explain it more but I really think that her trauma has much more an affect on her life and is much more negatively affecting her. She rarely gets violent with me but I am still triggering her often and it really affects her. This is why I originally posted and was trying to get help as I don't want to hurt her. Now she had one of the worst days in a while because I tried to stand up to her for being controlling...the result is she lost more trust in me and now there are more rules.

Edit
After I made this post she basically said that she's been trying her best and we have been moving forward. She hasn't been hitting me and she's doing her absolute best while I'm just demanding that she is completely healed of her trauma and can talk to my family, can not follow all the rules, don't have to get punished when I mess up etc. She said she's trying her best and I'm abusing that by fighting her and making demands that she heals faster from the trauma I caused. She said we're not equal and I can't demand a fair partnership. If I want that then I can file for divorce.

 

[Sideways]

It’s abuse.
It’s dehumanising.
It’s toxic for both of you.

And it will get worse.

 

[Friday]

And it will get worse.

And better. And worse, again. And better, again. And worse.

@scruffybiscuit Because most victims of DV aren’t drooling morons, love their spouses, and believe they’re different. Statistically? Some do have to be different. Someone does win the lottery, after all. And you can bank on that, if you choose. That you’re the outlier, the exception, different. That the risk is worth it. Maybe you are. Maybe it is. But there is no shame in learning you aren’t. You haven’t even left once, yet, unless I’ve missed something. Most survivors of DV leave 7 times, before it’s perm. DV death stats usually occur before that. It’s your life. Your risk. Your choice. I personally? Stayed for 8 years AFTER realizing my ex was an abusive POS instead of “just” dealing with past trauma, which is what I was familiar with. 11 years, in total. I stayed to protect my child.

I’m a former marine. I was NEVER afraid for myself. I could handle my ex. Even the last year of our marriage where he would drug & rape me, and tried to kill me 3 times. Never afraid. Of anything EXCEPT him being alone with our son.

Give her a puppy. See what happens. If you can handle her violence? Shrug. Your choice. Does that violence extend to anyone/anything IN her care? Or is it just you?

 

[anw81]

It’s abuse.
It’s dehumanising.
It’s toxic for both of you.

And it will get worse.

It's been getting better. We've fought way less this year vs last...but part of this is me accepting my position

 

[Sideways]

part of this is me accepting my position

What is your position?
Are you an equal? And if so, why are there rules about how you exist in your own home. Why are you not allowed to choose for yourself whether you’re sitting or standing?

Rules designed to prevent you accidentally dropping a teacup are a denial of the fact that you’re human. It’s entering into coercive control territory. And where I live, coercive control is a criminal offence.

Rules requiring you to stand for prolonged periods is sadism.

Physical violence speaks for itself. It shouldn’t happen ever. Period. And, again, where I live, it’s also criminal.

You are the victim of domestic violence. It takes the average victim of DV 7 times to successfully leave the abusive relationship, which is a testament to the fact that your denial is normal. There’s plenty of folks here on the forum that get it. Hell, I still argue with myself about whether I refer to Him as my abuser 30 odd years later.

The truth is this isn’t love. She is not your partner. She is your abuser. And you are not helping her, you are enabling her.

Do you have domestic violence outreach in your area? If you’re in Australia, you can freecall 1800 RESPECT for immediate help.