How do you let go of control?

[OceanSpray]

Just that question really. How do I ease my anxiety enough to stop trying to control the future and situations?

 

[parrotthepolly]

Are you sure it's the future you're trying to control and not the past or for the purpose of avoiding your feelings? It makes more sense to break it down and look at each individual situation for references to your past that have caused this, cause it ain't normal and varies by each setting.

 

[Sideways]

For me, it was controlled experimentation. Akin to the type of exposure therapy that works so well with anxiety.

For example, I was anxious (okay, terrified!) of leaving my home for a good long while. So I practiced doing that. In small steps. Just to the letterbox and back. And when that was going okay, out into the street and back. And when that was going okay, up to the corner and back. Etc etc.

Things that needed to get done a particular way, at a particular time, I started gently experimenting with loosening the rules. Not all at once, just bit by bit.

The trick is to do make these small steps in spite of feeling anxious about it, but staying aware enough that you don’t trigger a panic attack (flooding). We don’t wait for the anxiety to pass then do the thing - we do thing, over and over, until our brain clocks that the anxiety is no longer necessary.

The anxiety is your brain’s way of trying to keep you safe. Your brain isn’t going to let go of that safety mechanism lightly. Our brains get real stubborn about holding onto things that it thinks will keep us safe. So, thanks brain for keeping me safe!

Massaging around the edges can work really well for generalised type anxiety.

Nailing your controlled breathing, to enable you to prevent, or stop, panic attacks can also give you a feeling of a lot more freedom. When I discovered I could breathe my way out of an oncoming panic attack, my world opened up big time.

Definitely following this thread to see what others have to say:)

 

[arfie]

just that one question is proving a lifelong justy in my own case. just when i think i have my control freakasaurus licked, i discover the sucker has sneaked up behind me and taken control, AGAIN! ! ! well. . . attempted to take control again. the moronic beast keeps trying to control the uncontrollable, so actual control is delusional, at best.

i take a three pronged approach to managing this gnarly symptom.

1) radical acceptance. i is what i is and i isn't what i isn't. i am a control freak. it is far easier to manage a symptom after i accept it fully, lovingly and serenely.

2) awareness. being aware that the symptom is on the loose is essential.

3) gentle, compassionate humor. a bit of fun doth sooth the gnarly beast. emphasis on "gentle and compassionate." mean spirited sarcasm or mockery will aggravate the symptom to the max.

 

[arfie]

addendum
further contemplation of this has me wanting to add a fourth prong to make a proper dinner fork.

4) an ongoing study of what is or is not within my control. a reinforced awareness there lowers my resistance to dropping my attempts to exercise the delusion of control.

 

[Lost in the Woods]

I have noticed I tend to avoid situations where I can’t control my participation. I often feel trapped in social situations that I can’t leave. So I just avoid them. One more thing to work on.

 

[Friday]

How do I let go of control? By having as much fun as possible.

How do I ease my anxiety enough to stop trying to control the future and situations?

Are you only a control freak when your anxiety is up?

 

[Movingforward10]

I've been mulling this over since you posted and my opinion is:
Changing core beliefs
And
Building a sense of self.


For me, the need for control came I think primarily from childhood messages that I was responsible for other people's wellbeing and therefore I had this omipresence that controlled things. All fabrications of course. But those messages built anxiety and a sense of control and then the need to control.
What added to that was the goal posts kept shifting. The narratives changed as I adapted my behaviour to try and control the uncontrollable. It was never enough. I never got it right. Other people's wellbeing, and my own (which wasn't anyone's concern actually) continued as they were. The messages of what I needed to do to control changed and a never ending mind field of control continued, as did anxiety.

As an adult it was understanding that. Understanding I had no control over anything, never mind how much I believed I did, and that the only thing I can control is my thoughts and my behaviours and, to some extent, my feelings.
And then learning that nothing exists but this moment. Not the past and not the future. Both things that I can't control.
And then learning to change my thoughts.

Not sure I am articulating it all right, but that's my journey with it.

 

[Susan Jane]

It depends on the state I am in. I used to be unable to understand my anxiety at all. Speaking to the right people about it, helped me realize what was regular … most people would be nervous…healthy anxiety, versus why am I afraid to open my letter box, fearing bad news or an another thing to deal with. I started teaching myself to open the letterbox, see what I had to open and do it. I still have fear but I breath, remind myself how much I have dealt with before now and survived and mostly I laugh at the not so important mail. I fear bad news, bills and possible governmental letters. People being able to change my safety. I just keep practicing this method with most of my fears. I have realized it comes from having been abandon as a young child, and living in fear of what comes next, with no safe place. When I am not in full PTSD mode, I just open the letterbox and deal. This leads me to my most recent awakening, PTSD is not something I can control but my reaction to my symptoms can help me cope and heal the fears one layer at a time. Asking myself why I am like this just spirals my of fear, shame and hopelessness so I accept it (most of the time ),

 

[PamelaS]

How do I let go of control? By having as much fun as possible.


Are you only a control freak when your anxiety is up?

I have spent my entire life over compensating good for all the bad. That is until I became completely disabled. That made it a bit more difficult. However, prior to that, I had one heck of a life, and I enjoyed every moment of it that I could. My kids and I were never home. We were always out and about with friends who loved us having a great time and enjoying every moment of life. Now, I enjoy it, but it’s quiet enjoyment. Carpe diem. Cease the day! I agree with Friday. I also agree with Alfie, especially with the gentleness, patience, and humor. Sometimes we just have to lighten up and look for the good and cherish every moment of it. The bad is inevitable. Not embracing the good, no matter how small, is unfortunate tragedy. Best wishes, moving forward, one little bit at a time, always seeking the good and capitalizing on it so that it remains in your thoughts more than the bad. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have control issues, anxiety, and panic attacks. It just meets I choose to focus on the good things.

I have spent my entire life over compensating good for all the bad. That is until I became completely disabled. That made it a bit more difficult. However, prior to that, I had one heck of a life, and I enjoyed every moment of it that I could. My kids and I were never home. We were always out and about with friends who loved us having a great time and enjoying every moment of life. Now, I enjoy it, but it’s quiet enjoyment. Carpe diem. Cease the day! I agree with Friday. I also agree with Alfie, especially with the gentleness, patience, and humor. Sometimes we just have to lighten up and look for the good and cherish every moment of it. The bad is inevitable. Not embracing the good, no matter how small, is unfortunate tragedy. Best wishes, moving forward, one little bit at a time, always seeking the good and capitalizing on it so that it remains in your thoughts more than the bad. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have control issues, anxiety, and panic attacks. It just meets I choose to focus on the good things.

I just realized that I didn’t really address your question. I did share how I have managed. But I have also been challenged to be a type A personality and running the show. Intentionally becoming more and more aware of what I do not have control over, and focusing on the things that I do have control over have helped me to not want to control everything. Wishing you well.

 

[OceanSpray]

future you're trying to control and not the past or for the purpose of avoiding your feelings

It's definitely both. So many past experiences have informed how I go forward, for better or worse, and the lack of control then is definitely something I am trying unconciously to fix.

@Sideways those are a lot of great tips, thank you!

@arfie thank you for your tips as well. But radical acceptance, or even just trying to accept that I don't have control of everything is something I really, really, really struggle with.

Are you only a control freak when your anxiety is up?

Great question and the answer is yes, for the most part. There are definitely things I try to control way before anxiety ever enters the chat. However, it 100% becomes a thing when my anxiety is up. Right now, my anxiety is at a big high because of a new relationship I'm kind of in. We aren't official, very much taking things slow. Which, realistically is good. But it's what sparked this question because we actually got into a fight about me trying to control the future instead of just going with the flow. I am not a go with the flow person. I *can* be, when the outcome doesn't matter to me. But I have developed huge feelings for him and of course the future matters a ton to me and so cue major anxiety which has come crashing through like a bull in a china shop and is basically screwing everything up because I can't find any chill.

childhood messages that I was responsible for other people's wellbeing

This is absolutely something I am dealing with. I learned very, very early on to predict and fix everything for my parents and siblings and that has continued into every other type of relationship I have ever had.

comes from having been abandon as a young child, and living in fear of what comes next, with no safe place

Yuuuuuppppp, this.

type A personality

I don't know if I would be type A or type B, some days I'm really good at just relaxing and letting go. But then other days, I have to have full control of every detail.

 

[arfie]

trying to accept that I don't have control of everything is something I really, really, really struggle with.

ditto here. i started plying radical acceptance to my control freakitis after an ACT workshop i attended in 2011 and it remains an ongoing challenge. on the coaching from that same workshop, this is where i ply mindfulness. my control freakasaurus isn't evil. just in need of training. there are times when control is a good thing, but the extent is critical. e.g. when driving i want to be in full control, but not to the extent where i am putting more attention on controlling passengers than traffic response.