Put In A Box And Ship To No-man's Land

[Deleted member 12723]

I heard that an expectation of someone else is a premeditated resentment. The truth is we can only expet things out of ourselves.

We expect others to be decent and kind and respectful. If they are not then we need to distance ourselves from them for our own wellbeing. Good luck.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear p-no, there is nothing wrong with you. You are 'you', and that's who he's liked before you probably noticed. It's just how it feels.

And there's that, and then the fear of loss. Like a Catch-22 situation (so it may seem). But he is probably aware you have your own hesitations, or hurt, even if you hide it well. (The same reason 'lousy' guys find targets.) But maybe he has his own vulnerabilities, also. And past hurt.

You are friends, don't worry about being open. And if you don't tell him that you feel any positive way about him, he'll probably assume you have no interest whatsoever. If possible, don't worry, if your feelings are mutual you will be able to get through it together. It's YOU he likes- as you are and have been, not trying to 'be' someone different or somehow different now.

(((((((Hugs))))) and I hope you have fun! :) ((((((p-no)))))

 

[Tinyflame]

(Also, for what it's worth, I've heard it said that what we try to 'hide' not only doesn't get hidden but is often the other person's favorite qualities. :) )

((((((Hugs for you))))))

 

[Springer80]

I'm messing it up already. I was probably way too clear just now with him. And then I withdraw showing no interest at all. I wish I were better at this.

Have you been spying on me??? Boy, does this sound horribly familiar. I don't think it's a case of close your eyes jump in. You say you like him cos he's respectful of you and attentive. Well I think you have to take everything slowly and you have to be in control which means you have to admit that you can only edge toward what you want slowly which means you have to let it be known your vulnerable. EEEeeekkk TRUST :bag: :sick:

I don't know how but slowly, like geology. :hug:

 

[p-no]

Boy, does this sound horribly familiar.

Oh dear... (Or should I say "Oh deer" :D -- sorry, can't seem to stop! :laugh::p)

Anyway... Yes, I agree, Miss Mouse in the Wooden Shack :D (Sorry! :inlove:) For several reasons, I have slowed down immensely already, and if there's something I have come to understand it's that there are very many complexities in this relationship and the real tough ones won't go away, they're for keeps.

So, it's not about "baby steps" anymore, but even smaller ones. There's a quote I have come to like very many years ago and I still cherish it a lot. I'm trying to live it and have started yesterday. Two days so far, counting. It actually worked, and already much better today than yesterday. The quote is:

"One step at a time may seem too slow some days. But it gives me a chance to see where I'm going and increases my chance of getting there in one piece." Kay Marie Porterfield, Keeping Promises

For me, this is not about whether this will lead to a romantic relationship or not. I have been thinking today that maybe we can be good for each other, not defining "good" any more and not thinking in rigid categories ("romantic relationship" vs. "friendship" vs. "companionship" vs. etc.) anymore.

 

[p-no]

Maybe he is looking for a friend

Saffy, you are right on with this. I absolutely think that is exactly what he is looking for. And I am pretty convinced that his definition of "friend" is a special one. :) Thank you for saying this, really.

You could try to arrange lunch with him and some others

Did you suggest this to him, too? :D Just joking! It's just that we've been doing this and he's been asking me recently to join for coffee after lunch as well. Seems like he just had someone suggest this to him as well. :)

Try not to get carried away with your thoughts in regard to him

For the first time in my life, this is actually working quite well. Thank you for saying this also. I need reminders of self-care, so to speak, and this one came at the right time.

I am oblivous to most signs and comments most of the time.

:hug:

 

[p-no]

rather than assertive

Thanks, again, for this. I have googled assertiveness training or something like it and found a webpage that seems very good for me (easy to understand, etc.). I'll check into this more. Thanks.

 

[p-no]

there is nothing wrong with you. You are 'you', and that's who he's liked before you probably noticed. It's just how it feels.

Dear Junebug, thank you for saying all this. I think you are very right about this. I am sure he does like me. And I am sure I like him, too. :)

he is probably aware you have your own hesitations, or hurt

I think what he's really been realizing is that it isn't so easy to "get me" (I do not mean "understand me", but "catch me", so to speak). I have always been very independent and I am also not a person who needs to be around another at all times. He seems to love being a part of groups, being with others, chit-chatting... All things I do not particularly like, especially when it comes to talking about topics (I'll spare you the physical terms) I do not really understand. I am quite sure he understands something is different, that I don't work like most people he knows.

A friend of mine (long-term platonic guy friend) said to me after having known me for about three years at the time: "You're a book with seven seals." (German idiom for saying that you're not easy to be understood, that there are things people notice about your personality but can't explain.) I then decided to tell him about my SA and then he said: "One seal has been opened. Six left."

You are friends

That is something I have become to understand. That for me in this very case there is no other option, zero, really, than taking it s-l-oooooooooo-w and watching every step and taking time to get to know him more and let him get to know me. (Trust, eh, Springer... Shivers down my spine.)

(((((((((((((((dear Junebug))))))))))))))))))) I'm going to hop over to the Grateful thread and post "for Junebug" :inlove:

 

[p-no]

hop over

No, I wasn't thinking of kangaroos, Springer! :D:p:inlove::inlove::inlove:

 

[Springer80]

I am sure he does like me. And I am sure I like him, too. :)

That is something I have become to understand. That for me in this very case there is no other option, zero, really, than taking it s-l-oooooooooo-w

Ah I have the cutest image in my head of two little moles sniffing their way towards each other over after lunch coffees......:giggle: I'm really happy you feel positive about it! :hug:

 

[p-no]

two little moles sniffing their way towards each other

You know, Springer, that's pretty much it.

At first, when I read this, I wanted to ask you whether you know Krtek, the mole (google!). It's a kid's character (cartoon, more or less) from when I was a child and that little mole was my first friend on this planet. I dearly love him (and yes, I do realize, he's not real :laugh:, but he helped me believe there is some good in the world).

Then I figured, yup, two blind "people" taking tiny steps.

Then I thought: Geez, you can't possibly find a better image. We do seem to take turns in sniffing (the way you take turns when playing a board game) and sometimes while sniffing hit the other over the head accidentally which leaves the latter stand perplexed and wondering...

Nice image. :)

 

[saffy]

Thanks, again, for this. I have googled assertiveness training or something like it and found a webpage that seems very good for me (easy to understand, etc.). I'll check into this more. Thanks.

That's great Prime no, I found it helped me a lot, I still have to do lots more but it definately gave me an air of confidence I did not have before, an understanding of how I should expect to be treated and the right I have to say no without worrying about feeling guilty about it. It has definately stopped a lot of 'head noise', if that makes sense, and made me more aware in a way also, I started to feel more equal.

Learning to be more assertive is definately a positive tool to use in life and it does gradually get easier. I always try to go back to the site every now and again to remind me and to practice.

Best wishes Prime no
Saffy :)