Relationship Setting Boundaries?

[monicaelise]

Bilby,

You're absolutely right. I am not ready for anything close to a full on relationship, or even what we had. It's not the PTSD, it's my health. The thing is he knows this. He's known for a while. I just haven't been able to address my issues with him as a constant presence. The bottom line is, if I can get through the next few months, I think there may be hope.

My current state of affairs is temporary, but much more serious than his at this moment. If we can take some time to just chill out, I don't think a more serious relationship is out of the question.

The whole thing just went way too fast for me (six months is nothing). I really do not know where I stand. I just can't get my head clear on this particular part of my life because other things are taking up most of my time and energy. I think I may just try to lay things out quickly and clearly when he gets here, and then hope we can just enjoy the time together.

 

[Bilby]

Could you e-mail him perhaps and lay things out that way?

It sounds as though you have valid reasons for needing things to be on hold, or to 'cool off' for a little while. It may be a difficult thing to address, but it is necessary all the same.

Good luck with it all - I hope that you are able to get on top of whatever health issues are troubling you right now! :)

 

[monicaelise]

Unfortunately, he is not an email kinda guy. He may check it once a week during a good stretch. Also, we've had some real issues with "virtual" communication. Anyway, I may go that route if he doesn't make it this evening just the same.

Thanks for positive thoughts. I'm feeling better now that things are moving forward, but there's a lot ahead still. Just a few more months...

 

[monicaelise]

Well it was an interesting couple of days. In some ways it was extremely pleasant (the physical chemistry is definitely still there) and in others it was a bit unsettling. I still don't really have a sense of where things are headed but I feel a lot more comfortable knowing that there's still some affection there.

I'm reserving judgment, however, and waiting to see how we fare individually over the next few months. He's off his meds and not in therapy, and in a LOT of pain right now so his moods were quite mixed.

I've learned enough about PTSD over the past few months to know that the irritability that surfaced a couple times was not directed at me. He came, we talked (probably too much at this point), we walked and sat in the sunshine by the water, saw a couple movies, and further crippled him in bed. All in all, it was a good thing. We'll see how the coming weeks and months go, however.

I'm still in the same place emotionally. If it's the beginning of something new and more substantive, that's great, but only time will tell. If that was the end of something that just wasn't meant to be, that's okay too, I need to direct my energy toward myself right now.

 

[HollyB]

Actually, what I really want is to slow down ... a lot... and get my life back without alienating him. I don't want a serious, day-in/day-out relationship right now....

Put selfishly, I don't want to be his rock or make him the center of my universe. I don't even know if I love this man.

I hope this doesn't come across harshly, or mean, because I don't mean it that way. But the above is a big huge red-flag to me that you should not be dating or in a relationship with a man who's suffering from PTSD. I have found that consistency and trust are critically important to sufferers, and you're just not willing to provide those qualities. If anything, the lack of commitment and certainty might actually make matters worse for him. I'm sure you don't want that. Of course, you need to take care of yourself, and take care of your own stuff, and he shouldn't be the center of your universe as you need to be your own person first. But to not want to be his rock? To not be a giver?

If in your shoes, I'd likely end the relationship entirely and not put him through the wishi-washiness.

 

[monicaelise]

Thanks Holly, I appreciate your input. He's unfortunately going to have to deal with the wishy-washiness or end things himself. I have much, much bigger things to worry about right now than his well-being. When, if, my health is restored I will reconsider your advice. In the meantime, I'm going to let him worry about himself and just try to stay alive. I haven't done anything to violate his trust and he knows exactly where to find me so the consistency issue is all on him. I know it's much nobler to sacrifice everything for the sufferer, but honestly, if I'm dead none of this will matter. :)

Oh and I'm not sure it's "willingness" that's at issue here. I just don't have the energy or the liberty to "give" that which I don't have.

 

[HollyB]

Monicaelise I'm confused about why you're not ending it, if you don't love him, and you have bigger things to deal with than his well-being? And if you're in really bad shape health-wise, why are you doing this to yourself? And, why are you doing this to him?

 

[monicaelise]

Well, in a nutshell...

1. I harbour no ill will toward the man. As I've stated a number of times, I do like him a great deal.

2. Love is not the end-all/be-all. I don't think most people really have a clue what they're saying when they say they love someone. I've been married and I've been down this road a few times in the past three decades or so. It seems that love is term that often gets bandied about rather carelessly, so I try to avoid using it when I'm not clear about how I feel about someone...even when I do care deeply about them.

3. I'm not doing this to myself. The health issues arose shortly after we got together. I would never have gotten involved with anyone had I known what was coming.

4. I don't really want to deal with hassle of terminating a relationship I have no burning desire to end (at least not at this moment). It's not like there's anyone else or I'm dying to get out and date. I essentially like this man very much, I just don't have the energy for the day-in/day-out of living with PTSD. Now that I'm not, I don't have a problem with leaving things the way they are. Essentially, I have nothing to gain by terminating the relationship, and I may have a great deal to lose. Who knows...

5. I'm not doing anything to him. He's a grown man, not a toddler. If he wants out, I certainly won't fight it.

 

[p-no]

Holly, I'm a sufferer (and used to be supporter, although I don't like either term). And I just want to say that no partner (and the term "partner" for me always has the connotation of "equal") should be the giver more than the other (generally speaking) and neither should anyone take on responsibility for another. We're all adults and as partners, in my understanding, we are equal. Yes, not in all aspects, but generally speaking, being who we are doing the best we can as the individual we are.

So, even though I have PTSD, I have things to give that my partner may not have to give. He may have other things instead. But if one gives mainly and one takes mainly, to me, it's not an equal partnership (generally speaking).

As adults (with or without PTSD) we are each responsible for ourselves. No one can save another or take up their responsibility for themselves. If I decided for example to withdraw and isolate for two weeks straight, my partner would either have to accept that because he can and it doesn't terribly hurt him or he would have to talk to me about it. He is not in any way responsible for trying to get me out of my hole. And if my behaviour does hurt him a lot and over a long time and he has talked to me and I have not changed anything, he will have to see if he wants to keep the relationship up. He has to think of himself first. He is the one he has to live with all his life.

You may argue that a person with PTSD may not be able to change something although wanting to. I think that is partly correct. I also know from experience that most times in life (of those people with and without PTSD I have known), some change is possible. If it were not however, if a person really could not (= were not able to) change, well, then the partner has to face those facts eventually (I am not talking short-term) and find out if the person I am is who he can and wants to continue to live with or if he himself is suffering too much.

I have responsibility for myself, and I think that monicaelise, IMHO, is doing the right thing for herself right now. She comes first in her life. IMHO, she (as well as anyone) is not responsible for keeping him safe and stable and going. He is responsible for that. Which does not imply that a partner should not be there to support. But that goes, again, for both, PTSD or not.

 

[HollyB]

Holly, I'm a sufferer (and used to be supporter, although I don't like either term). And I just want to say that no partner (and the term "partner" for me always has the connotation of "equal") should be the giver more than the other (generally speaking) and neither should anyone take on responsibility for another. We're all adults and as partners, in my understanding, we are equal. Yes, not in all aspects, but generally speaking, being who we are doing the best we can as the individual we are.

So, even though I have PTSD, I have things to give that my partner may not have to give. He may have other things instead. But if one gives mainly and one takes mainly, to me, it's not an equal partnership (generally speaking).

I don't disagree with anything you said. :)

I was interpreting her post to mean that she's not going to give - at all - right now, because she has bigger fish to fry. Perhaps it's her choice of words, but when I see language like "have bigger things to worry about than his well-being," well... to me, it sounds like she really could give two craps about him. To me, she's not capable of being in a relationship with anyone with that mind-set, particularly someone with PTSD. As a supporter - nay, a relationship partner of ANY kind! - you HAVE to care, you HAVE to give. That doesn't mean you can't expect something in return, that doesn't mean you don't put yourself first, but you can't be that selfish...in my opinion. :) I think they'd be better off as non-romantic friends, so that she can be there when and how she's able, but that he's not considering her to be his partner. Partners carry different burdens, both ways, than friends do.

 

[monicaelise]

Well again, Holly thanks for your insight.

Obviously, I do give at least two craps or I wouldn't have spent the last few months coming back to this board for guidance. This man isn't the father of my children, he isn't paying my bills or keeping a roof over my head, and I have experienced more than a little of the ugly side of his disorder. If I were the cold, callous individual you seem to think I am I certainly wouldn't be wasting my time here looking for insight on "how to set boundaries" or anything else. I would have just kicked him to the curb. I don't know if you're trying to convince yourself or me of what needs to happen in these relationships, but rest assured, I do give at least two craps... some days I even give three or four. :)

Honestly, I'm not really sure you understand the gravity of the situation or whether you have any real experience with long-term, potentially fatal illness (half the women in my family are dead as result of what I am facing right now, the other half are permanently disfigured), but it isn't something you choose and your priorities definitely change when you're facing it. If that makes me selfish...well I guess there is one thing I don't give two craps about. ;)

I'm going to assume that it's a lack of experience that is prompting you to take the rather militant position that you have. I'm sure you are an amazing supporter, let's hope you always have all the physical reserves you need to maintain your enthusiasm. In the meantime, perhaps you should read through the other threads on this board.

 

[p-no]

That doesn't mean you can't expect something in return, that doesn't mean you don't put yourself first, but you can't be that selfish...in my opinion.

It seems to me that you haven't been there yet, in a situation in life where you need to focus on yourself (for a limited period of time) and can not give. It seems you have been lucky in that respect.

I do not know about the backgrounds of this "not giving anything at all" you found in her post. I do know about times where you have to focus on survival only though, because if you don't you won't be there the next day.