Relationship Setting Boundaries?

[monicaelise]

Okay, so the towel still has not been thrown in entirely as of yet. I still haven't made any decisions about what I want to do (I'm not waffling, I'm just dealing with bigger issues that I know are clouding my judgment and I don't want to be hasty...either way), but I'm open to trying a different sort of relationship if it's in the cards. He is coming down this weekend so we can spend some time together.

What I'm wondering is whether those of you in "successful" relationships might offer some insight into how to start establishing boundaries. I'm sick of arguing and I'm not the sort to chase or beg, but I don't want to be unreasonable ...and I don't want to go back to the relationship we had.

For those of you who are content with your relationships, how did you go about establishing the boundaries you needed to to keep yourselves sane? And how did you begin the discussion without chasing your partners off?

 

[Dallas]

I've always had problems with boundaries my entire life, but have become more successful the last few years, the deeper my relationship with God has become.

If something doesn't feel good or right, I'm keying in with greater accuity that a boundary has been crossed. I've developed my life to such an extent where I feel pretty secure that if I tell a person they've crossed a boundary, and they don't like that I told them that and decide to leave, I am ok with that. But I'm almost 52 years old (this Sunday!) so I have had a lot of practice.

So far, with my current relationship, anything I'v mentioned as far as how I want the relationship to proceed or what direction we see it going, he has been remarkably ok with. We are currently working out the latest issue about the online dating sites, and so far that is going ok.

If he were to object about some of my non-negotiable boundaries (like no more dating website viewing) I would be ok with that (his choice) and our relationship would be over. I might be sad for a while, but it wouldn't destroy me. I would rather find out now we werent compatible about an issue than after we were married.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[Dallas]

Bottom line (for me) is: I am too d-mn old, life is too d-mn short, there is not much time left, I have too much to accomplish and that I want to experience, and do God's will and serve Him... I would rather be alone than be with an a-s-ho-e.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[Dallas]

ps...it's not all one-sided either, my guy is remarkably clear and upfront about his needs and wants too. It is really amazing, I've never known a guy (a "tough" and "macho" one at that) to express his needs and feelings so readily! lol! He likes to talk about "relationship" stuff more than I do! Shocking!

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[monicaelise]

Yeah, part of the problem here is definitely me. I am so sick of talking about this relationship with him. Just want to either be in it and move on or be done...and move on.

 

[monicaelise]

Apologies for the quoted post. There are three posts above mine, just want to be clear which one I was agreeing with.

Anyway, now that that's sorted...any thoughts on how to start setting those boundaries? I'm supposed to see him tomorrow and I'm a little nervous about how to begin the conversation.

 

[Dallas]

You just have to be confident and sure about what YOU want. If he is a "disappearer"... say something like:

"It makes me feel insecure when I don't hear from you for x number of days. I really want to be in a relationship where there is more consistent communication, perhaps on a daily basis. If that's not something you feel you're up to, that's fine. I understand you don't feel well, etc (insert excuse here). Maybe we can start seeing each other again on a more regular basis when you're feeling better (or whatever his excuse is). I'll probably start (another activity, gardening, running, buying a dog, applying for a different job) in the meantime."

And be prepared to walk away. I wouldn't say, "please call me when you feel better"... Let him be, give him space and time to think. You will hear from him soon. If not, then that is good too. You don't want someone who is not 100% in the relationship. Just have a backup plan focusing on YOUR life. Be excited about that. If he doesn't call, so be it. If he does, then maybe he wants to invest more into the relationship.
Either way, as I see it ( and I personally practice it) it is a win win situation.

I just published a book that came out on amazon.com this week, and I just found out I got funded to start law school this coming January!! I am so excited and busy about my life, if my guy wants to participate that's cool, if not, oh well! I will meet tons of people in law school! What a great week I had...on my birthday week, I'll be 52 this Sunday! LOL! Praise God!

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[monicaelise]

First, Happy Birthday!! :hug:

Actually, what I really want is to slow down ... a lot... and get my life back without alienating him. I don't want a serious, day-in/day-out relationship right now. I have a lot of big things coming up in the near future and I just don't have the time or energy for the roller coaster ride. My biggest fear is that he'll read this as a rejection of some sort, when I just want to go back to a much simpler arrangement where we see each other when we want to (rather than spending half of every week together). I don't want him around full time, I just want my friend back.

Put selfishly, I don't want to be his rock or make him the center of my universe. I don't even know if I love this man. I really, really like him and I have enjoyed the majority of our time together but I'm just not enough of a "giver" at this stage in my life to do a full-time thing.

 

[Dallas]

Thanks Monicaelise!

Maybe you don't even need to have a conversation then...Just next time he calls and says he wants to come over Thursday through Sunday...just say..."oh sorry, I'm booked Thursday and Friday. What about Saturday afternoon /evening...then I have to go to church (or the farmers market, or the bookstore, or my mother's) Sunday morning. "

That's what I do...it works pretty well so far, and he doesn't feel rejected and seems respectful of my time.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[monicaelise]

Well if we can get past tomorrow, that may be the way to go.

We haven't seen each other in about 3-4 weeks. We both needed a break and just finally are trying to pick things, well something, up again. I'm finding it tricky to figure out how to get the balance though. It's either too much or nothing. I would like his presence, I just don't want to deal with having him around or be around him when he's in one of those horrid moods. We had a little over five months of way too much togetherness. The first four were pretty good, but that last one I really got to see way more of the PTSD than I ever wanted to.

This last month or so we've only been speaking sporadically and tomorrow would be the first face to face since the beginning of last month. I guess I'm just a bit nervous. I can't really tell him to come and go so easily ...he's 130 miles away so there is an element of coordination involved. I guess we'll just play it by ear and see what happens tomorrow.

 

[therapybankrupt]

Funny thing about boundries. Now thay I know I am in charge and there is such a thing as boundries. I am obsessed and am doing nothing I do not want to do. My life is boring:laugh: ! My life was always making others happy and doing what they want or need. I need to find a hobby!:arghh;

 

[Bilby]

Put selfishly, I don't want to be his rock or make him the center of my universe. I don't even know if I love this man.

I would like his presence, I just don't want to deal with having him around or be around him when he's in one of those horrid moods.

what I really want is to slow down ... a lot... and get my life back without alienating him. I don't want a serious, day-in/day-out relationship right now. I have a lot of big things coming up in the near future and I just don't have the time or energy for the roller coaster ride.

There's a lot here that's telling me that you're not ready for a relationship right now due to a number of reasons. Not because of his PTSD, but because of things that you have going on within your own life right now. That's cool, but out of fairness, he does need to know that.

You may have enjoyed spending time with him, but you do have to be fair and honest about what it is that you want - PTSD or not, he also has to be free to move on if that's what he feels he needs/wants to do.