The Importance Of Personal Boundaries.

[Red Feather]

Yes, I have hanged up on her many times. The problem is that she is coming to visit me and my kids, and I won't be able to hang up on her. I was thinking I have to develop some sort of maneuver to keep the atmosphere peaceful. I think she is slowly understanding why she shouldn't yell, but she doesn't notice that she is doing it and always has denied it, even since I was small. I have stopped talking to her altogether. I might have to tell her that if she yells I will ask her to leave and go to a hotel.

 

[saffy]

I feel like the primary way I have boundaries is to be agoraphobic.

Hi 'rightkinkofme'
I see that more of avoidance rather than asserting your boundaries.

There is no set rule about putting up with people you find offensive. IF after telling them how it makes you feel they still carry on then they have no respect for your boundaries, and probably no body elses either ;) The decision then to get this person out of your life is looking after your needs and sticking by your boundaries. It would give you an imformed judgement to act on if and when somebody else tries to ignore your boundaries.

By the sound of it your boundaries have changed but you are still hanging around with people who do not respect your new of boundaries, collectively they are going to continue with how they are. That is how they have always been. If you have changed then you might need to change the people you associate with. Look for people with the qualities you now admire. :)

Having trouble saying no to sex is worrying. Not being able to say no is not asserting your needs. It could also be an issue with self esteem, low confidence and self destructive behaviour.

What will happen if you say 'no' ?

Best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[rightkindofme]

Hi 'rightkinkofme'
What will happen if you say 'no' ?

Best wishes
Saffy :)

Not every time I have said no, but with more than 50% of the people I have said "no" to it has ended in rape. I get raped a lot. It is easier on me physically if I just keep my mouth shut and don't fight.

 

[saffy]

I might have to tell her that if she yells I will ask her to leave and go to a hotel.

Hi Nadia
Remember she is visiting your home as a visitor and should respect your rules and boundaries.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying, 'I feel tense and unhappy when you yell, I have asked you before not to yell. If you continue to yell and disrespect my wishes you will have to find alternative accomodation and I will have to consider stopping contact altogether.

The hard thing to do is do not apologise and not to go into deep explainations.

I hope you can find a suitable solution to this. Feeling you have to hide or be on egg shells is not positive or productive to anyone.

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[saffy]

Not every time I have said no, but with more than 50% of the people I have said "no" to it has ended in rape. I get raped a lot. It is easier on me physically if I just keep my mouth shut and don't fight.

That is terrible rightkindofme.

Forcing themselves on you is about control and respect and they certainly have no right to do this both morally or legally.

I think for your own protection you should keep yourself out of situations that will lead to people thinking they can have sex with you. I think it will help learning the skills to recognise and deal with situations like this before they get out of control.

Learning that it is ok to say no before things get out of hand or at anytime. No means no and you have the right to change your mind and insist in no and they should respect that.Learning to set your boundaries, how to assert them and how to avoid situations like this. Learning that you are worth way more than the treatment they offer. Learn that you are entitled to have around you good people who will be genuine friends and treat you with equal respect. Learn that there is nothing wrong with complete change of lifestyle, including all your 'friends'.

Are any of these people being held accountable for their actions?

Saffy :)

 

[saffy]

But that might be over the top to

Hi BigBear, No not over the top, giving them an ultimatum ;)

I feel really .......... when you yell, if you continue I will hang up/ ask you not to call/ consider stopping contact for a while.

Nothing wrong with that, it is putting the owness of responsibility back on the person and it makes them consider their actions. :)

best wishes
Saffy

 

[Red Feather]

Thank you very much Saffy. You are giving me courage to handle this well. There is a easyhotel just down the street of me... :confused: Actually my mother almost really did book herself into a hotel the last time she visited me and I had to chase her down and tell her she was crazy. I guess we have some experience with this...:banghead:

Now I am trying to weigh the positives about her coming. My children will get to know their grandmother and I do feel it is important for all of them. For me, it may be important to know that I can deal with this...

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

No is a complete sentence.

LOVE this one!!

 

[saffy]

HI Nadia

Yes the only reason I really let my parents around before is so that my children had some sort of extended family. I know that they would not treat my kids like they did me and I was very protected over them for it. I made sure though that it was on my terms and I would not have them subjected to arguements or whatever.

Now they are old enough and have a respectable relationship with them, I decided for myself that I just did not want to remain friends with my parents and cut them out altogether. It was a releif, no more pretence. phew.

I can understand how you feel and I hope I have helped you take back some control. Remember not to get angry or shout yourself, say your peice and then move on. You shouldn't explain yourself either :) These are fair and positive boundaries you are setting.
best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[rightkindofme]

Are any of these people being held accountable for their actions?

Saffy :)

When I have gone to the police I have been laughed at and told, "Well what did you expect?" the officers refused to allow me to press charges because then I would ruin the careers of those nice boys. I don't have a lot of respect for police.

 

[saffy]

"Well what did you expect?"

Thats crazy rightkindofme. They are certainly not nice boys!!! Sod their careers men like this should not be allowed out in society if that is how they treat woman! If they are at college/uni then a word with them might help change their vile ways.

You certainly need a new lot of aquaintences. How many other girls allow themselves to be treated like this? out of interest. And the police have no control over who you press charges against by the way. No matter how pissed or wrecked you were at the time or if you were dressed in just a thong it does not give them the right to force themselves onto you for self gratification.

People like these abusive bullies pray on vulnerable people who do not complain Hun.

HUgs
Saffy :)

 

[rightkindofme]

How many other girls allow themselves to be treated like this? out of interest. And the police have no control over who you press charges against by the way. No matter how pissed or wrecked you were at the time or if you were dressed in just a thong it does not give them the right to force themselves onto you for self gratification.

People like these abusive bullies pray on vulnerable people who do not complain Hun.
Saffy :)

I haven't had this experience around one kind of group. In order for me to avoid this I would have to never leave my house again. I feel kind of defensive about the whole "let it happen" thing.