ED Ptsd & eating disorders

[Limba]

New to the board, but not new to the PTSD and other disorders. I really appreciate everyone sharing their stories.

In times of distress just knowing others suffer too keeps the despair at bay. One thing I know we all have in common are good days and bad days. Sometimes strung together sometimes not. I suffer from an ED as well. Linked to a traumatic childhood for sure. Even as a perceived successful adult, I still struggle and feel like crap most days. I've gotten good (so I think) at hiding most of the pain, but am starting to crumble after many years of sucking it up and trying to be strong.

Seeing a therapist tomorrow for the first time by choice as an adult in over 20 years. I'm 40 now.

 

[Mayday]

Just read this entire thread.

I have had disordered eating my whole life. It's all so mixed up. I'll try and come back later when I can get my thoughts in order.

 

[Britt.f7]

I just realized this past week that I'm using my weight as protection, a barrier. I also realized that I'm using it as an excuse not to go out in public for fear of judgement. It keeps me safe at home. Problem is it contributes to my not liking myself. Sigh.

 

[Abstract]

Britt,

I think it sounds like you are making real and important progress. You are far from alone in those feelings.

It took me a long time to realise how directly and strongly the feelings or attempts at protection were underpinning my eating disorder.

With me, as in everything, it seems there are two directly opposing forces involved and yet with a similar motivation.

The one was wanting to be thin and disappear and thus be less female somehow and quieter and safer. The other wanted some physical barrier between me and the world. To be less noticed and be bigger.

The one thing about this that I am thankful for is that having these both meant I never got to any terribly emaciated or obese state. The bad part is that there was a continual war going on inside me. And all of it wanting to be safer and less noticed.

There is more about this stuff that links to safety but I am afraid I can't speak about it.

Keep going.

 

[Abstract]

I thought I would share something positive as I know how hopeless I was about this stuff for most of my life.

I seem to have taken another step forward with this stuff and despite PTSD and depressive symptoms not being that great at present and having recently seen my family (something I don't often do these days).

The only way I managed to stay on track was being extremely cautious and having very rigid rules about not missing meals or food groups and pretty much almost still doing a meal plan of sorts. Since I seem to "zone" out what I ate or not I could not trust myself to keep eating what I should.

I actually managed to let that control loose a little this trip and I was fine. :) I actually missed the odd meal (for example when I got up late and lunchtime was almost there anyway) and the eating disorder didn't take the bit and run with it as it used to.

I was also hit by a barrage of weight and body comments and invasive discussions about my body in general and managed to just be upset and angry without it affecting my eating disorder.

There is a lot I wanted to discuss about the above but I don't think I have the energy. So very confused and self doubting over so much at present.

But proud that I have got to this point with my eating disorder. It certainly has made my life more doable by not having that on my plate (ha) as well. I wish that for everyone on here too.

There are one or two things still lurking there that will inevitably come up if I ever get myself back to trauma work but mostly it is a thing of the past for me.

 

[Marie10]

I have an eating disorder and PTSD. I try to figure out which came first and it's hard to say.

When I was little, I had Irritable Bowel Syndrome until I was 8 years old. I remember the bullying and school, the reaction my family had and the guilt I carried around. When my first trauma happened at 14 years old, I remember not eating anything for one full day and this sense of power I felt. I used that day as my fall back whenever things got too hard to handle.

As more trauma happened, I would always have this cycle of isolation, anger at self and others and then I would "move on" in my mind as if nothing happened. It was after I would decide to move on that my eating disorder would return. It would always end up the same, the lack of nutrients would affect my brain and decision making skills. Sometimes I did it as my way to get back at the people who hurt me and show others that I'm strong and have discipline. This is very distorted thinking but at the time it's what I felt like I had to believe to make what was wrong, a right. I did this so many times, my options dwindled and after some hospitalizations for illness due to not eating I slowly began to get better.

I see a therapist and we deal with this along with the PTSD. For me it was a way to get back at others even though I was the one to suffer. I no longer need to be the one to hurt myself, I'm learning and getting back into loving myself and others.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

Today I saw my therapist. I told her more about my eating and not eating. She said next week we're going to start addressing this because it's getting dangerous. Not because I've lost a lot of weight quickly. But I'm still not eating properly and I'm still losing weight. And I don't want to stop. And my body image is a mess. She said eating disorders are serious. I said I don't have one. She looked me straight in the eyes and said "yes you do". She said I'm borderline. I guess she means I'm borderline anorexic. She asked me to commit to eating three meals a day. I told her I couldn't commit to that. It's going to be hard to get me to stop what I'm doing. I have conflicting emotions.

 

[maddog]

I've started to experience something I have never, ever, experienced, somethingI can't even begin to believe is happening to me. It started when I was recently in hospital. It started when one of my favourite night nurses began to encourage me to drink a warm milo and to eat warm raisin toast as a means of seeking comfort and calmness during nighttime distress. I started doing it out of a need to be compliant more than anything else. It became a comfort routine that really had nothing to do with the food and everything to do with what it stood for. And it's started something terrifying.

I've started binge eating during the night, when I am inevitably awake and distressed. No, binge eating is currently a bit of an exaggeration, but it's heading in that direction. Currently it's unnecessary eating of pretty much anything and everything when I'm not hungry. It's starting to feel like a form of self punishment, something I do with the very real knowledge, almost the anticipation, that it will make me hate myself and will give me some tangible reason to do so.

I have starved myself compulsively, off and on, for my entire life. Part of the reason I have done that is because it makes me feel good about myself and in control, and it's at its worst when nothing else in my life makes me feel good about myself or in control. So sometimes it was all I had - something I knew was bad for me, but which felt good, like my only hope.

This is different. This makes me hate myself. It adds to all the ways I hate myself. Yet I can't stop doing it, in spite of that, or perhaps because of it.

I'm truly terrified. I'm putting on weight and am horrified by that fact. I can't believe this is happening.

Maddog

 

[Abstract]

I'm truly terrified.

MD,

I have gone through this before. In truth when I look back it really wasn't what I thought it was at the time. For me.

Some of the aspects of taking in nutrition now seem to very clearly represent needs to me and how I am feeling about them.

Rejecting that I have needs as a human being (almost pretending I am not one) and feeling more powerful as a result of therefore not being vulnerable to someone not meeting them. Or having moments when I am desperate for sustenance whatever that may be. Maybe care. Maybe sleep. Many possible things.

I hated it much more to be in an eating stage as it seemed there were more feelings involved. It was "too much" somehow. Those words dont represent the reality. The terror. The self hatred.

I have also used it to punish myself at times.

In retrospect though I now see the binging (or subjective binging anyway) was more of a reaching towards life for me. And actually I think it was an indication of some healing in some respects even though it felt like hell.

The other aspect of this is slightly related in a sense. It marries in with the information that was gleaned from the Minnesota experiment. It is the most normal, functional and natural thing in the world for the body to demand more food and with some desperation when it has been starved and treated so cruelly. And if that is honoured then all balances out very nicely. And that includes weight as metabolism responds. We can trust our bodies much more than we think we can.

But that then brings us back to the original problem. Needs and trust. The acknowledgement that the body does actually need sustenance and wants it can feel devastating and trsuting ones body absolutely impossible.

One of the most helpful things that I found for what you describe was radical acceptance. Extremely difficult of course and it took a long time.

me to drink a warm milo and to eat warm raisin toast as a means of seeking comfort and calmness during nighttime distress. I started doing it out of a need to be compliant more than anything else. It became a comfort routine

I am sure you cant feel that way and it may almost be offensive;) but this made me smile when I read it and feet great hope for you. This is a very healthy thing even if you can't feel it at present.

 

[Abstract]

She said I'm borderline.

Blackbird, please do all you can to get out of this now if can. It may feel seductive but it is like quick sand. The further in you go the more of goner you are and it does not help in the way we pretend it does. It just heaps more misery and despair on top of the rest. Once the brain gets malnourished enough the world becomes very different and so do we. I hope you manage to hang in there.

 

[maddog]

As always Abstract, your insights are amazing, though I'm still chewing over them (if you'll pardon the pun) and trying to find words to put around a response.

I think what you said about there being more emotions associated with that period for you, is true for me too. I think I can feel them, and yes, right now that's horrific and out of control and somehow recklessly destructive, just the way the eating feels. And somehow, the concept of pulling towards something makes sense to me too, because I feel as though my body is pulling hard and desperately towards something. I don't know right now if that something is life, or self destruction. At times I think it's both, but currently, I usually end up deciding that it's self destruction.

I just want to find some calm and balance - right now I crave that almost frenziedly, and yet again my eating issue seems to be some sort of external representation of what's going on in my mind.

Maddog

 

[Abstract]

and yet again my eating issue seems to be some sort of external representation of what's going on in my mind.

Looking back over all those many. many years MD and that is always the case for me.

I usually end up deciding that it's self destruction.

I think when you have had a history of deprivation then it is always going to feel self destructive. If you think about this (you probably wont be able to quite yet) but how on earth can more nutrition when your poor body has had so little ever be self destructive. ;)

I think for me the self destructive aspect came in with and from how I judged it and therefore used it. The self judgement and hatred and other stuff. When I could find just a little bit of acceptance then I could start to see things clearly through the self hatred and fear.

frenziedly,

So normal when previously deprived. In the Minnesota experiment they all displayed actual binge behaviour. Objective binges. The body is an amazing thing. Respected and left to its own devices it takes care of us and balances all.

What I found the most helpful to take away that franticness was communicating with my body and committing to not starve it again.

Sending you support MD. Regardless this type of phase was terribly painful for me. Much worse than any starvation.

I'm still chewing over them

:happy:

Take care. You have a lot that you are dealing with at present.