I guess I only had experiences of people who said they wanted to support me, whilst at the same time being abusive towards me, emotionally, psychologically and sometimes physically. That was confusing to say the least. They made things worse in their attempt to make things better for me. I know it is intention that counts, but if the person is causing more damage being around me, am I really obliged to stay? Just because they want to help does not mean they actually ARE helping.
If I had evidence of people who were willing to stick around long enough to show real support to me...not just say they will and then use gaslighting on me, then I might not feel that way, no. I do have a couple of people I can confide in now, who have had similar experiences, and we call each other at times to talk, and feel better for it. I know I am not a burden to them.
When you are told you are a "freeloader" by your primary caregivers, when you are suicidal and cannot even leave the house, let alone "get a job" which is all they cared about...it's hard to not think you are a burden.
In regards to family, who are supposed to care and do in their own strange and twisted way, no one was really willing to learn anything about PTSD, even when they were with me in the psychologists office, and certainly offered no comfort whatsoever when I clearly needed support...so I didn't really experience more than a pamphlet being given to me to call "Beyond Blue" and an inspirational book for my birthday, showing the struggle of an athlete and how she overcame depression to win gold, which was nice, but I really didn't want to read it. The kind of support I needed I knew I could never get from these people who 'care' about me. It's hard to not feel like a burden when that is how you are treated.
I think you can tell the difference. If they are co-dependant themselves then helping someone because they feel sorry for them can be a way they derive self-esteem. It's not always easy to detect unless you know about co-dependency, but yes, there are also people who genuinely want to help and do care, and want to understand, and try very hard to. I was probably being too harsh and not giving people the benefit of the doubt enough. I do have some people in my life who do love and care about me...but they are online friends mainly, so they don't really have to deal with me on a day to day basis, and from a distance they can offer support via words.
Yes, I think this is true, and my previous post probably did expose many limiting beliefs that I hold due to my experiences with PTSD and people.
That's great.
Yes, I tend to form conclusions based on these observations as well these days. Especially how they are towards animals. Having grown up in a family where abuse of animals, of all sizes, was done without any remorse from my father and one brother, I tend to judge on how they treat animals as well as how they treat me, and I've met some extraordinarily kind and genuine people in the last year. I'm very lucky. I still have a lot of trouble reaching out for help though, even though I am open about my experiences.
Yes, this helps.;)
Point taken Saffy. I probably am thinking these things. I caught myself thinking how worthless I am a few hours ago actually, so I do have some work to do transforming these thoughts and feelings. Thankyou for the challenge.:)
I did not realize I still think this way, as I am not really that symptomatic anymore and often feel like I am no longer suffering from PTSD, but reading over my words in this post, I can see I still feel sorry for myself about the way I was treated in the past.
