How to stop beating yourself up?

[Kas_Can_Fly]

After a long talk today, it became overwhelmingly obvious that I beat myself up. I find it next to impossible not only to not be able to think anything positive about myself, but also equally as difficult to not actively think in a negative manner. I seem to be unable to think anything even remotely nice about myself and constantly blame and judge myself so that I'm in perpetual state of self-hatred - which coincidentally is just another one of my many, many flaws. So how do I stop? How do I stop thinking only negatively about myself when I'm able to forgive anyone any of their flaws? How do I stop psychologically bullying myself - not on a daily or even hourly basis, but just constantly? How do I stop the internal stream of abuse to myself?

 

[Olivia Felton]

Hi Kas, welcome!

I have the same problem. My therapist is currently having me journal my negative thoughts, then we go over them in session. Do you have a therapist?

 

[Leah123]

Fight fire with water? For every negative thought, try 10 deliberate, positive affirmations. They work better said aloud, in my opinion. Not the be all and end all cure, but simple and helpful in my experience. Mindfulness, as Olivia alludes to, is helpful to me too- to see what triggers those thoughts, after a while of logging them.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Hi, this is far from my first post, so if that's what you meant by welcome I may have posted this in the wrong area of the forum, I'm very sorry to have misled. Not yet, I've been on a very long waiting list, hopefully soon though. I realise that therapy will be the biggest step to overcoming this sort of behaviour, but I'm looking for suggestions that are within my own control (or at least don't require a professional) at the moment.

Unfortunately I'm talking about a constant stream of negativity, literally constant. It's a stream of doubt, lack of self-worth, self-hatred, demeaning, bullying, undermining, spiteful, nasty thoughts and pity. Sometimes I manage to drown it out, or sometimes I manage to ignore it a little. I'm not always entirely aware of the words, but the general feeling is usually if not always there and when I can hear the words (which is fairly often) it's just a constant flow of unpleasantness. If I were to write down all of this I would a never be able to stop, plus they come faster than I can write or type. I'm not talking one or two thoughts here, it's never ending and if I rationalise one, ten more replace it. Plus my self doubt is so strong I can't rationalise it even though the answer is clear.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

10 deliberate, positive affirmations

This is deeply ingrained, I'd be hard pushed to name 3, let alone ten, I don't know how. I genuinely don't believe I am a nice person, I think I probably might be, but I'm not sure, and if I said I was I'm sure I'd be lying. Plus the stream is constantly ticking away at a guess I'd say probably 8 self-insults per minute, as said above it's not always words. Sometimes its the overwhelming sense that I'm nasty/manipulative/attention-seeker/liar/a waste of space/disgusting/repulsive/self-pitying/useless/a burden/guilty/I should be ashamed etc, etc. The feeling ones I can't help but agree with because I feel them, but I know that they're wrong, if I try to point that out to myself I only end up finding something else, something worse to use as ammunition in a constant stream of hatred - I don't know how to stop it. Am I really such a bad person? Probably not, people have told me I'm not, but I how can I believe them? How can I have even a fraction of their faith in me?

 

[Leah123]

You don't have to start with a huge affirmation that you don't believe. Perhaps one of these will fit: Do you have nice eyes Kas? Do you try and respond to people on this board that need help, as you've done for me a time or two? Are you honest? If not with everyone, with yourself, or with someone you trust?

I'm *sure* there's something, though you may find it's hard to find it and name it, I hope you'll let me know one, or if any of the ones I mentioned fit. As for 10, I meant to say the same one 10 times, sorry. Repetition's great. :)

It's ok if you're insulting yourself 8 times a minute, just open your mouth, maybe look in a mirror if one is handy, and say the nice thing 10 times. In the meantime, I am sending compassionate thoughts your way. You deserve compassion, and I know you're struggling with having any for yourself. (I do too ;) )

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I feel like I'm arguing by saying this, but that is not my intention; I don't know if I have nice eyes, how should I know. I do like to think I help people on here and genuinely believe that I do from time to time. I don't know if I'm honest with myself or others, I like to think I am, but how can I be sure? Also I can't look in the mirror - It freaks me out - I don't recognise my self and am frequently disgusted by what looks back from within. I find it more than a little uncomfortable.

My friend says I should cut my self some slack and one of the best things anyone has ever done, usually this would terrify me, but I said things I thought that were bad about myself and he told me how and why they weren't true. It was very helpful and the jokiness of the situation helped me enormously, with what I was feeling, but I don't know how to stop them, maybe not now, tomorrow, or in the next few months or even years, just in general at some point during my life.

Thanks

 

[Olivia Felton]

If I were to write down all of this I would a never be able to stop, plus they come faster than I can write or type. I'm not talking one or two thoughts here, it's never ending and if I rationalise one, ten more replace it. Plus my self doubt is so strong I can't rationalise it even though the answer is clear.

You don't have to write down every single thought, perhaps just the one or two you can identify. That is how I started. Then try to identify what you are doing when that particular thought occurs. It is not easy, and it doesn't happen quickly. It took me over two months for the first one. Some people find spoken affirmations helpful, I find written ones helpful. It helps my brain to actually read the words, over and over again. My pockets are full of "love notes" to myself. I don't truly believe all of them yet, but I am getting close.

 

[Leah123]

I agree you are arguing, more with yourself than me though, because you have a poor self image, lol, kind of a circular problem. I'm so glad you agree though, that you are helpful! I think you are too. Would you try saying that to yourself 10 times when you notice the self-hate? It's a great start. "I am helpful." x 10 or however you want to phrase it.

Building on Olivia's idea of love notes, might be wise to try and write down some of those negatives and burn those suckers. Write down the good stuff and keep it on hand!

 

[The Albatross]

Kas Can Fly, can you be open to the idea that the habitual behavior/thinking style is perpetuating the cycle of abuse?

For myself at some point, I had to allow that after the offending/traumatic event... I was picking up the stick and beating myself with it.

I do like Leah's ideas, It is challenging. But then it's always challenging to turn the course of things and swim in the opposite direction.

 

[madmax]

I think you need to embrace the "suck" and work backwards.

You can always improve yourself and that counts. If you make a conscious decision to change something about yourself you can claim a victory,,,momentum works.

I felt for shit up until last week....I read a important book and I made a decision to find some event, activity that kept my mind from f*cking with me just for a little time....momentum works.

 

[The Albatross]

True too Max. Either end of the spectrum to the middle.