Relationship How Do I Set Boundaries?

[lynruss]

My husband had a great career until the PTSD. Then one day, he quit. He hasn't really worked much since (two years) He will get an at home job for awhile, but never really works out. He just doesn't seem interested in working. I understand about the PTSD but that doesn't pay the bills. I know that some kind of boundaries need to be set with him but how do I go about doing that. I need some honest input from those of you that have been through this same situation. Thanks!

 

[nursenurse]

I know there are lots of posts throughout the supporters sections regarding this, so keep looking. What I did was decide what are deal breakers for me, and what the consequences need to be. Usually these are set for specific behaviours such as angry outburst or communication issues etc. Work is another ball game. My Mom used to say that love flies out the window when the bills walk in the door.

Is he receiving therapy? Is he depressed? I know my guy may never be able to work in the normal sense of the word. But he has sought out help for his PTSD and is on disability. I think he (your hubby) needs to look at the bigger picture of why he isn't working, it might not be due to won't, but to can't. Hopefully he is seeking, or is willing to seek help. Good luck to you, my heart goes out to you both.

 

[Abstract]

I agree with Nursenurse. What may complicate it is that it may be very shaming for him to admit that he isn't capable of working.

I think what would have helped me would have been someone calmly encouraging me to realistically think of what I could do - consistently. There is a big backlash always if I push myself too hard and then I become unable to do anything. Increased stress in general can do the same (see the thread about the PTSD Stress cup) so unfortunately the wrong type of pressure could well result in him being less productive rather than more.

That doesn't mean that you need to put up with it of course. You have to think if you can cope with his disability and if there is some way that the two of you can work things to make it tolerable for you. I wouldn't blame anyone for walking away.

 

[Pencil]

There is a big backlash always if I push myself too hard and then I become unable to do anything. Increased stress in general can do the same (see the thread about the PTSD Stress cup) so unfortunately the wrong type of pressure could well result in him being less productive rather than more.

Oh, hell yes! I've been there a couple of times - and then I'm even less functional.

 

[lynruss]

Thank you, that makes things show in a totally different light. Can't instead of won't! He is seeking therapy after a long while of not working at it. I understand things a little better after reading this and other posts and hopefully, I will be able to curb my resentment as well.

 

[Dallas]

Faith in Christ gives me automatic boundaries. If it goes against the Holy Spirit, I feel pain, and cry out. It is instinct.

Sincerely,
Dallas.

 

[Nicolette]

While I respect everyone's views and right to religion - a belief, in my opinion, is a boundary of yours and not that of another without it being verbalised. Faith does not set up healthy boundaries for a PTSD sufferer unless you actually communicate 'those boundaries' to them - just because some says they have Faith in Christ does not automatically outline boundaries to people - even levels of faith and interpretation vary so there is too much left to assumption without concise communication.

I feel pain, and cry out.

My experience with PTSD is that it is better to try set out boundaries and expectations clearly before feeling pain when they are able to process it, not when it is occurring, if at all possible.

 

[kacee129]

My significant other was living with me at my home. It was a new relationship, although we were boyfriend and girlfriend through highschool. I was not aware of his PTSD before he moved in. What a rude awakening. The angry outbursts scared me to death. I was walking on egg shells to try to keep them from happening. That didn't help either. Finally I told him he had to leave. He did.

We are still talking on the phone daily, texting, emails. A couple weeks ago he asked what he had to do to be able to come back. I told him he HAD to get treatment at the VA. Not just one appointment and stopping, but going and following thru. Doing what ever they told him had to be done. He agreed.

So the day he was suppose to come back he said he was staying where he was another week since the rent was paid. Then he had to leave that place (the landlady had some kind of meltdown) and instead of just coming here he rented a room "for a week". I knew in my gut that he was having second thoughts. Not about us, but about his promise to seek treatment.

Today I get an email. It said he was tired of moving from place to place. Tired of people telling him what to do. That kind of stuff. Then he asked a questions. "If I move back there and don't go to the VA will you tell me to leave?" He continued to say although he will go to the VA he knows he will probably not follow through.

I have responded but not sent it yet. I told him, that I won't force him to go to the VA. It is his life and his choice. But for MY life I choose not to live in the constant fear of his angry outbursts. So yes, if he stopped going to the VA he would have to leave. I then also told him that if/when that happened it would be the end of us. A clean break. No phone calls, texts, emails.

Am I setting a boundry or trying to control?

 

[Abstract]

Am I setting a boundry or trying to control?

You are doing a fantastic job of setting appropriate boundaries in my opinion. And you are almost certainly also helping him by doing so.

 

[nursenurse]

Kacee, I wish there were more like you here, and I hope that more newbies read your post. What a fantastic boundary, and choice of words. Too many supporters accept garbage treatment. Life is too short. If a sufferer isn't at least willing to try for his/her own sake, then to me, the writing is on the wall for the relationship. I was in a non PTSD relationship, that was filled with angry outbursts and no responsibility taken by the Ex for it. A piece of me died each time. Stand your ground, as difficult as it will be. You deserve nothing less than stellar treatment from the person you care about, and if he would wake up and smell the coffee, he would realize that he is worth working on himself for. But that is his choice. Good luck!