ED Ptsd & eating disorders

[EvenStrongerNow]

I am interested in your story regarding ED and how you cope Abstract. Do you have a blog or any recommended reading?

 

[Abstract]

Will come back here when I get the chance Strongernow.

Hang in there Blackbird and MD. HUgs if you want them. This stuff is really hard and it isn't your fault.Its an expression of things that are others fault. And you aren't alone. EDs are very difficult.

I suspect my take on this doesn't feel helpful as I know when you are in it ideas can feel impossible and irrelevant as well as even shaming. You are just experiencing eds nasty little web of doom.

 

[71nothing]

I've stumbled on this thread a few times in the past but wasn't really ready to read it. At this point I guess I would say I'm on the verge of an eating disorder - at least that's what I'm told. It's not something I accept everyday but more and more often I see it.

For a few months now I've been consuming about 400-800 calories per day. My weight loss started as a healthy process back in January and I have lost 67 pounds so far. I have gone from being in the "obese" range to in the "normal" range for my weight. A few months ago it started being more of an obsession (I have OCD as well as PTSD).

I track every bite I eat, if it's too small of a bite to track, I don't eat it. I weigh myself 12-16 times per day. I track calories, carbohydrates, fats, and proteins. I seem especially obsessed with getting too many calories and carbs and not enough protein.

I am three pounds from my original goal weight and I am not at all happy with my body. I'm going to lower my goal weight by 10 pounds and keep going. I look at pictures of myself from before my weight loss and look at myself now and to me I don't look any different. I know that I am smaller. I have dropped several sizes in clothing. People comment and notice everywhere I go. I just don't see it.

I went shopping for clothes the other day because I had to get fall work clothes. I had nothing that fit me. I felt like the whole thing was wrong. I would try on clothes and find the size that fits me but would feel so terrible about it. My thoughts kept going to "you aren't that small," "this is just a waste of money," "these don't really fit you."

Perhaps the most eye opening moment for me was last week. I was out shopping with my son and suddenly felt like I was going to pass out. (This has happened before). This time I went to a grocery store thinking I would be able to find something on my "acceptable to eat" list. Nothing was acceptable. I felt worse and eventually grabbed crackers and ate three of them to get me through. In that moment I felt so out of control. Here I was in a grocery store, surrounded by food, about to pass out from lack of food, and I couldn't eat.

My mind tends to keep adding rules to my eating. The most recent one is "no dairy." I don't know where they come from but once they are a rule they are hard to break. I'm fighting two new rules that are trying to break through right now. They are "no eggs" and "no gluten." If these become rules there will be almost nothing left in my diet. I can reason with myself about it but then it suddenly becomes ingrained.

I should mention that I've always had eating issues. I have been diagnosed with food phobias and OCD (relating mostly to food issues). My diet has been restricted most of my life because of this. It hasn't, however, caused me to limit my calorie intake. I would always eat enough of food I could eat. This causes additional problems because while any given vegetable might be on the "acceptable list" for nutrition content, I am phobic of all vegetables. I can't really even look at them without dissociating. The food issues are also related to my trauma history.

Every bite is a struggle, but it's one I'm determined to win, because I don't want to be a victim to my own obsessions anymore. It's a scary lonely journey, and it's ruining my life

Thank you maddog. I agree. I feel like this is ruining my life right now. I am constantly fighting this.

What never works is to think that dealing with the trauma alone will magic the ED away

Abstract, thank you for that thought. My therapist that I'm working with on the OCD and trauma has said this too. She is trying to get me to see an ED specialist in addition to her. She feels like progress will be stalled on all three fronts if they aren't all worked on in therapy. Does it make sense to see two different therapists for this issue? I don't want to leave my current therapist so to me that's not an option.

I guess at this point I'm overwhelmed by dealing with these multiple forces that are making it so difficult to eat. I hate the extremes I go to in order to correct my body when I do "wrong." I had two days this week when I was so hungry that I ate way more than I had been. I had to correct it each time it happened by three hours of exercise and taking laxatives. I don't even dare share that I've taken laxatives with my therapist but I felt so strongly that I had to purge my system of my mistake.

Sorry this is so lengthy. I haven't written about this at all and it just feels good to get it out of my head. Any thoughts or advice are welcome.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

I've stumbled on this thread a few times in the past but wasn't really ready to read it. At this point I guess I would say I'm on the verge of an eating disorder - at least that's what I'm told. It's not something I accept everyday but more and more often I see it.

I can identify with so many things that you said. I too have weird rules that I come up with. And I really shouldn't. I have a limited diet as it is due to food allergies. So for me to limit even more things leaves me with very little to eat it feels like. Sometimes I go back and forth between wanting to eat and not wanting to eat.

I wish I could give you some insight but I'm struggling to find understanding too. It might help you to know that you're not alone. Even if you feel alone. I feel alone too. And then I read this thread and realize I'm not. This is all hard stuff to deal with. I think it's one of those things that's going to take time honesty communication and trust. I don't know how to do all of those things in this area of my life. I'm so into the mess of it that I'm actually disappointed that no one has approached me and said "wow you've lost weight". That validates the fact that I look the same way that I did 22 pounds ago.

All of this is a maddening process for me that goes in circles. Sometimes I wish I could stop it. But then I realize if I stopped it that would mean I'd eat 3 times a day. And that means I'd probably gain weight. And that scares me. It's about not being heavy. The idea of gaining weight and becoming heavy scares me. It's about being small so that I don't attract attention to myself. And it's about believing what society tells us. That the smaller you are the more desirable you are. And if you're desirable that's acceptable.

Speaking of the weird rules again. Tonight we had a party. And people usually bring a lot of food. And a lot of the food is very good. Some of it I can't eat because of my food allergies. But a rule I give myself for these parties is I can't eat all day so that I can eat at the party and not feel guilty that I ate and ate and ate all day. So today I had about 1/3 cup of a frozen smoothie my brother made me. And then I didn't eat again until about 6:30pm. I picked at the food and I ate half portions of some things and small amounts of other things. I wouldn't let myself beat myself up because I followed my rule today and basically didn't eat all day. I feel full now. And I'm thinking I shouldn't get on the scale tomorrow. I guess this is the part where I start beating myself up for losing control and eating. I feel like I should have used a little more self control and not eaten quite as much.

And if anyone paid close attention to me tonight they would have noticed that I was obsessing about my body all night. I wore a tight tanktop and a skirt. And I was so self conscious that all night I kept adjusting my shirt so you couldn't see the rolls on my stomach. I say I have rolls and I feel so much shame. I always say I feel bigger than my actual size and I do. I look at my clothes and I can't believe I can actually fit into them.

At this point I guess I should finally open up and say that my size is technically small according to the tags. Some of my shorts are starting to become so loose that I can easily pull them off and on without opening them. But then I look at my body and I see a bigger size. I honestly can't see it. I struggle with it. I stare at myself in the mirror. I actually feel relieved that I can see my ribs on my chest just below my collar bones. When I'm PMSing I honestly stare at that area convinced I've gained so much weight I can't see them anymore.

I don't know what to do about any of this. And when I bring it up to my therapist she always says the same thing "you need to be eating 3 meals a day especially brown rice because it's grounding". And I just don't find a solution in that. Because the idea of eating 3 meals a day scares me. And if I do eat 3 meals a day I feel like I've over eaten and I feel so much shame. So yes this is a maddening process for me. And I can really relate to what you've said.

 

[maddog]

Oh I feel quite speechless, wanting to say so much but struggling horribly with words and logic at the moment. I think I could like and rewrite every word I read here on this thread. I think I can relate, at some time or other, with every rule you guys have mentioned, every worry, every preoccupying obsession, every feeling and reaction... and yet somehow it still, often, feels too secretive and horrible to even try to talk about.

Currently I absolutely never, ever, ever, eat a single thing during the day. I mean nothing, not ever. But come nighttime and I am finding myself eating more and more, to the point at which I would on occasions describe it as binging that continues off and on all night, as part of the distressed sleepless triggerable series of seemingly endless hours that is every night for me. And it usually isn't healthy food, though it can be pretty much anything, and usually a combination of healthy and unhealthy things. The grim resolute sense of control I feel to have completely eliminated daytime eating is horrifically unwravelled every night and the shame I feel at my "lapse" is ten times greater than the sense of control.

Needless to say I'm not losing weight, and that upsets me. Actually, I've put some on, which upsets me even more. I'm also, most days, exercising very heavily, spending around 1.5 hours in heavy weights and cardio training at the gym and usually doing at least an hour's walking on top of that. Those days are probably the majority, though they are contrasted with days of absolutely collapsed exhaustion on which I do almost nothing and feel as though I'm dying. Hardly surprising.

Knowing what a punishing and damaging regime I have set for my body doesn't help one bit, and actually brins me another brand of that horrible grim resolute self control.

People are commenting that I look "fit" and "toned". That would be a compliment for most people, but I interpret it as meaning that I've put on weight and muscle and look... normal. I've realisedI don't want to look normal and healthy. I want to look skinny and I want people to think so, because as with most things in my life, I am somehow projecting onto everyone else and need to hear others saying what I want to know and to believe in myself. No, that doesn't really make sense to me either.

My obsession with how I look is deeply complicated by the fact that I am blind and so have no visual feedback on that. Some may argue it's a good thing that I can't stare at and analyse myself. But for me it just means that my imagination, filled with horrors and distortions as it is, gets to fill the gaps that my vision leaves empty. I imagine if I actually look the way I physically feel, or if I look fatter, or skinnier, or different... I obsess about the gaps and hollows, or lack thereof, in my ribs, hipbones and other key areas, and convince myself daily that they're fatter and rounder than they were yesterday.

I think I need to stop writing about this, because I don't really know what my point is. I wish so so so much that I had answers or suggestions or hope for all of us. I am searching for it everywhere, and yet I'm too afraid to really look, in case I actually find what I'm looking for. This is the loneliest journey.

Maddog

 

[Abstract]

interested

Hi Strongernow,
Feel free to ask me something if you want.

I started to have a very distorted body image very young and before I developed a fullblown ED. It's a bit of a blur but by the time my teens hit me I was deep in it already. It was probably just about all I thought about and the behaviours took up most of the space in my life and brain. Over the years it morphed from anorexia to bulimia, everything in between as a well as a good dose of orthorexia and included a weird and destructive relationship with exercise. Noone has talked about purging on this thread but it was a huge problem for me and not at all reliant on binging and one of the last things to go. The shame and self revulsion about that and the weird and disgusting habits linked to it were awful. Even writing that is still hard.

I essentially used restriction and purging (as well as binging at times in those years) to express all my emotions amongst many other things. So called unsafe foods started off fairly simple and then changed and became a morrass of fear and obsession that totally dominated my life and if I look back made no sense at all. I ended up afraid of some things that were very low in calories and are very healthy.

Much of it was indirectly or directly linked to trauma but I never once realised that until late in recovery.

I was treatment resistant and despite treatment was ill for a very long time - most of my life. I only hit recovery a few years ago so quite possibly about 30 years after it started.

Throughout almost all of it I felt totally helpless and immersed in it and did not believe it was possible to ever get out. I also felt totally unable to deal with life without it. It was the way I coped and the only way I expressed anger amongst many other things. Not that I realised that at the time of course.

I have been almost totally recovered for a few years now. There is a tiny amount of residual stuff linked to trauma that will almost certainly attempt rear it's head when I do trauma work and there is a bit of food safety stuff that comes up but other that it is gone. I no longer have the ED voice or the running commentary and I no longer have the extreme distorted body image. I may have days where I feel a bit fed up with myself and in general I don't think I look at myself in a way that reflects reality but it is normal ish and not at the centre of my life.

I aim to get rid of the rest of it as I go on as I am determined to have it out of my life completely and forever. I have realised there is no way of letting just a little bit of ED stuff go by as give it a finger and it takes an arm and then everything else too.

 

[Abstract]

71 Nothing,
I am glad you found the courage to post. I know it is very scary facing this stuff.

I hate to say this but I am very afraid for you. So many people who end up with severe anorexia have exactly your story as a start. Personally I wasn't overweight before but it is really common and loosing such a lot of weight in this way is extremely dangerous. I would be very surprised (astounded actually) if you would not meet criteria for Non Purging Bulimia.

It is extremely important you go for a physical check up with an eating disorder dr as there can be serious deficits there that may not be obvious to a normal gp.

Interestingly enough I feel thinner now than I ever did when my ED was active (even when I was anorexic) and yet I am one of the heaviest I have ever been. Once you hit a certain weight then the brain can become compromised and it becomes much more complicated to treat.

e progress will be stalled on all three fronts if they aren't all worked on in therapy.

I have to say that I personally don't think it ever really works to leave it as as soon as any other deeper work is attempted then we resort to our main way of coping and expressing it - ED. That tends to result in a see-saw reaction with shame and self hatred being central and physical stability and health ending up very precarious and possibly life affecting. In other words unless we develop different less destructive ways of coping then we just tend to see saw destructive reactions and that can be both physically as well as psychologically dangerous.

If you think of it this way then drug addicts are not given therapy unless they are off the drugs as the drugs interfere so much with the way someone is processing things or coping with things. With ED's I don't believe we have to be ED free (that would be ridiculous and impossible as they take a long time to treat) but I do think they should at least be addressed together.

Personally I haven't had two different therapists but it is something that is done and I don't see any problem with it. You probably would want to give your t's permission to keep each other updated as otherwise the ED could use the situation to play them off against each other and hide the truth.

I would really highly recommend getting a Eating Disorder Dietician. I know that is a terrifying prospect. Believe me I have been there. At one point just the mention of one was enough to cause a fullblown panic attack and dissociation. It's just that that practical help is invaluable and so often knowing what we need to do and finding a way to actually do it are totally different. It is also about accountability.

Again make sure all your treatment providers are in contact with each other. ED's are nasty sneaky things.

It's possible you could do this with your T and an ED Dietician. That is a consideration. Considering the seriousness of your situation and the presence of the OCD though I would do both if it was me.

OCD and eating disorders are not uncommon at all! And in fact there is a lot of research that links all ED's to a similar base to OCD. Eating disorder specialists should be able to work with OCD because of that. Really the approach to both is not that dissimilar. Any amount we give in to the distortons mean they get more power which results in more pain and more distress long term. Any apparent relief is a lie and short term. When I truly understood that for the first time that helped a lot.

It's painful and awful treating both but the alternative is worse and treatment can lead to peace whereas giving in leads to deeper and deeper despair, physical and physiological pain and danger.

Feel free to ask me anything if you want.

 

[Red Feather]

I haven't been eating well and it's becoming noticeable. I think I should consider the warning signs. It feels like it is my tool for self destruction because nothing else is possible. I have chronic bronchitis as well so it is all making my energy level so low and so the depression gets stronger. Right now I just don't want to cook. When my children are here I cook really well, but when they are gone it is like there is no reason to.

I am wondering if I should try to talk to my support worker about this or with my T. But what can they do? It is only me who can do anything about it, right?

I taught my brain to ignore my body's physical needs and signals, because many of its basic needs were denied. So I taught myself not to notice hunger, tiredness, physical pain etc, and now it's as though the link between my body and my brain which controls the need for such things is broken.

maddog I relate to this very much. I know how to turn off my signals. When I was growing up I fasted a lot according to my parents religious reasons. I don't know how to change myself so that I can actively invest in my physical health. I don't know anything about eating disorders. Can anyone give me some advice?

 

[maddog]

Abstract, I just want to acknowledge how much your honesty, support, wisdom and frankness mean to me on this thread. Yours feels like some of the most real and validating input and insight I have ever gained, anywhere, on this issue, and it's hard to express how much that means. You also give me possibly the only hope I ever feel right now, faint and fleeting though it is, that maybe I can some day get on top of this.

What you said about your ED being such a constant source of helplessness, yet also the only way you dealt with life, deeply resonated with me. It feels like the most insidious love/hate relationship, if I can term it so simplistically, that I have in my life, and my desire to be rid of it and my need to cling to it are unbreakably equal in their intensity. That is a form of mental craziness that is quite specific to my ED and which doesn't really apply to most of the other symptoms and manifestations of trauma.

My body is so patiently and resolutely telling me in every way that it can that I am not feeding it appropriately. When I eat anything and hence break the seal on my suppressed need, I feel frenziedly, insatiably in need of more and more and more food, even though I don't actually identify or understand the feeling as hunger, and therefore do not identify or understand any feelings around the need to stop eating. I just feel as though if/when I start, I can't stop, and while this is obviously to some degree due to my body's starving and deprivation, it feels like an explosion of need and loss of control that I can't face... and so don't.

And again due to obvious nutritional imbalance, I have strange frantic cravings for particular types of food at times, cravings which can't be satisfied, and which I attempt to fight more through further deprivation the more I become conscious of them.

I looked up dieticians online the other day and after a few minutes of grim determination my head was swimming with hopelessness and confusion. And they're all so expensive... I feel that I don't have the money, and genuinely don't really, though I know that somehow this needs to be a priority. I need to rally and try again, somehow...

Maddog

 

[71nothing]

Thank you to everyone for your responses. I read through this thread and it's as if you are all taking the thoughts right out of my head. That is both reassuring and concerning to me. Reassuring in that I'm not alone in this...concerning in that if people who acknowledge their eating disorder are having the same or similar thought processes as I am then that may indicate to me that I have disordered eating as well.

All of this is a maddening process for me that goes in circles. Sometimes I wish I could stop it. But then I realize if I stopped it that would mean I'd eat 3 times a day. And that means I'd probably gain weight. And that scares me

I understand that. I wake up many mornings thinking "today I am going to reach my minimum calorie goal." Then by the time I go downstairs and start eating my mind is already contradicting itself. "Only eat half a serving of each item," "don't eat." It's such a combination of control and fear of gaining weight.

In other words unless we develop different less destructive ways of coping then we just tend to see saw destructive reactions and that can be both physically as well as psychologically dangerous.

Good point Abstract. Maybe this is just another in the long list of poor coping mechanisms I've choses. It's destructive to my body just as cutting was as a teen/young adult, drinking, and reckless behavior. In thinking about this, my mind and body feel the same way as they do when I've engaged recklessly in any of those behaviors.

I would really highly recommend getting a Eating Disorder Dietician. I know that is a terrifying prospect. Believe me I have been there. At one point just the mention of one was enough to cause a fullblown panic attack and dissociation. It's just that that practical help is invaluable and so often knowing what we need to do and finding a way to actually do it are totally different. It is also about accountability. Again make sure all your treatment providers are in contact with each other. ED's are nasty sneaky things.

It is terrifying and I too dissociate and panic. I don't want to "go along with" my T in believing I have an eating disorder but at the same time I'm terrified that I will go to a nutritionist (I have an appointment set up next week) and they will dismiss it after looking at me and seeing that my weight is currently in the healthy range.

It's so hard to have this internal battle everyday over how much or what I'm allowed to eat and knowing on a cognitive level what is healthy but still feeling a stronger need to follow any rules I've come up with.

 

[Abstract]

It is only me who can do anything about it, right?

Nadia, it really isn't that easy to this alone. Yes, we have to do the work at the end of the day but we deserve support doing it. It's the same as with other treatment.

I hope you get some help.

MD, I have felt as if ED is an abusive relationship. It has felt like I can't do without it, that it is helping me and something I have and it has felt deeply secretive but all in all I realise now that long term it brought me shame and despair and isolated me as well as harming me physically and mentally.

I am glad I could give some hope. I believe we all potentially can get over ED's.

looked up dieticians online the other day

Wow!!! :) I am sooo impressed! That is a great step MD. I actually think you should give yourself a lot of credit for that. The other alternative is that you and your t could set micro goals each week and then check back on them. I am not sure if you think he is a safe bet for not triggering you or not.

71Nothing, I think it's wonderful you are going to be treated and I have to say I am relieved. I hope this person is knowledgeable enough to realise what is happening. If she responds badly it will be because she is ignorant about ed's not because you don't need help. Is she an ED dietician?

y) if you would not meet criteria for Non Purging Bulimia.

I have been wanting to correct this. I obviously was not thinking clearly as it sounds like you are doing no binging and there needs to be one binge a week for BN diagnoses. I think that's the latest criteria.

Your story is like so many I heard of those who end up with anorexia and you need to be treated before your brain becomes starved enough that cognitive functions start failing. Treatment gets so much harder after that.

Good luck and let us know what happens.

 

[71nothing]

Really rough day with this. I was all ready to eat a piece of pizza. I had myself ok with the calorie, fat, protein, and carb content. Then my No Dairy rule took over. "Can't eat that...it has cheese in it."

I argued with myself, I tried to bargain with myself ("the rule can be that you have dairy once a week." "Eat just half a piece." "Take the cheese off and just eat the crust and sauce.").

None were acceptable. I even told myself that by eating the pizza I would be gaining more control over the OCD and the no dairy rule. This is my goal. I know how to reach it. I can't do it. It's so frustrating.

Now it's after ten in the evening and I've only eaten about 600 calories for today. Every night I swear the next day will be the day I can successfully challenge these rules and routines but it doesn't happen. It's getting more and more difficult to deal with. That may be due in part to the fact that with each day I realize I'm slipping closer to a serious eating problem.

How can I just make myself eat?