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ms spock
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From my own experience and what I have read this is a pretty common way to feel Solara.
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D
Deleted member 1860
I can't forgive myself. I don't deserve it. I have caused so much pain in this world that I deserve to be punished. I try, but it's never enough. I just want it to be over. I don't want to struggle anymore. I don't think there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
ms spock
VIP Member
I relate to what you are writing Solara. I hope you can refute the thinking that is leading to these thoughts and feelings. Thinking of you.
You have been kind to people on the forum and relieved pain here from what I can see.
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Hi Solara,
I think it can help to separate actions and self. Actions are not who we are but what we have done and there are always other good actions that we have done too. I am very bad at it but I think shame when we feel worthless as a human being isn't helpful and what is much better is realistic responsibility when we want to do things differently. Change is a journey rather than an instant thing. It tends to be a up and down path. Every human being is valuable and deserves happiness.
I think it can help to separate actions and self. Actions are not who we are but what we have done and there are always other good actions that we have done too. I am very bad at it but I think shame when we feel worthless as a human being isn't helpful and what is much better is realistic responsibility when we want to do things differently. Change is a journey rather than an instant thing. It tends to be a up and down path. Every human being is valuable and deserves happiness.
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D
Deleted member 1860
I'm back in this frame of mind. :(
My therapist says it's not logical or rational thought. I can't even see it as such. I just see these thoughts as the truth. And then I think well others just don't know how horrible I am so they can't see all of the evil stuff inside of me. If they only knew...
And then I think that maybe I am going insane. Not because I feel like I'm going insane, rather because they say the only truly crazy people are the ones who can't see it in themselves.
I don't know how to stop hating myself. Any attempt feels like a lie. It's like telling myself I'm SO awesome when I know I'm not.
I can't see why anyone would want to know me. And then I think that maybe I could handle shallow relationships. You know, only letting people see the good side of me and hiding the rest. It could work, up to a point.
I don't want to be one of those self absorbed people who thinks they're the greatest thing since sliced bread and cares only for themselves (you know, like 3/4 of the people on Facebook who think they're so important as to need to update their status every 10 minutes because we actually care that they went to the bathroom....but I digress.) Yeah, not hating myself would make me feel egotistical.
I don't know what to do at this point.
My therapist says it's not logical or rational thought. I can't even see it as such. I just see these thoughts as the truth. And then I think well others just don't know how horrible I am so they can't see all of the evil stuff inside of me. If they only knew...
And then I think that maybe I am going insane. Not because I feel like I'm going insane, rather because they say the only truly crazy people are the ones who can't see it in themselves.
I don't know how to stop hating myself. Any attempt feels like a lie. It's like telling myself I'm SO awesome when I know I'm not.
I can't see why anyone would want to know me. And then I think that maybe I could handle shallow relationships. You know, only letting people see the good side of me and hiding the rest. It could work, up to a point.
I don't want to be one of those self absorbed people who thinks they're the greatest thing since sliced bread and cares only for themselves (you know, like 3/4 of the people on Facebook who think they're so important as to need to update their status every 10 minutes because we actually care that they went to the bathroom....but I digress.) Yeah, not hating myself would make me feel egotistical.
I don't know what to do at this point.
I've been there and trying, very carefully, to not go back there. My therapist is trying to help by trying to get to why I see myself the way I do. She believes it is distorted. She helps by bringing up things, such as my kids, and getting to the why of just about everything. When I realize that sometime's I don't even have a why for how I am feeling it kind of puts the kabash on the whole thing. She tries to get me to look through other people's eyes. Like my husband's. And actually believe them. Very difficult.
One of the reasons I put my picture out there was to get into my own skin and be comfortable...instead of feeling like a horrible beast. I have to say, it has truly been enlightening. Nothing horrible happened. The world didn't fall apart. I hated myself that much to think I shouldn't even be out in person. That was the shame I had. I say had, because I am getting through it. I've received support from people on here and even other's put themselves out there. I didn't feel so alone. That is what I needed. No one told me I wasn't hideous, and I wouldn't have believed them if they did. What I did feel was this amazing support system. And, like I said, the world didn't fall apart.
I wish I could tell you what else I've done to get pass that but it pretty much is just what I said. I had to pick something that scared me to death. I still can't say I believe people when they say nice things about me, my head saying they're just being nice, they don't know me, etc.. I can say, I'm not listening as much to the voice in my head that tells me I'm not likeable.
You do deserve to be liked by yourself. Doesn't mean you are vain. Just human.
One of the reasons I put my picture out there was to get into my own skin and be comfortable...instead of feeling like a horrible beast. I have to say, it has truly been enlightening. Nothing horrible happened. The world didn't fall apart. I hated myself that much to think I shouldn't even be out in person. That was the shame I had. I say had, because I am getting through it. I've received support from people on here and even other's put themselves out there. I didn't feel so alone. That is what I needed. No one told me I wasn't hideous, and I wouldn't have believed them if they did. What I did feel was this amazing support system. And, like I said, the world didn't fall apart.
I wish I could tell you what else I've done to get pass that but it pretty much is just what I said. I had to pick something that scared me to death. I still can't say I believe people when they say nice things about me, my head saying they're just being nice, they don't know me, etc.. I can say, I'm not listening as much to the voice in my head that tells me I'm not likeable.
You do deserve to be liked by yourself. Doesn't mean you are vain. Just human.
"And then I think that maybe I am going insane. Not because I feel like I'm going insane, rather because they say the only truly crazy people are the ones who can't see it in themselves. "
When they say this it isn't in the context you fear at all. It is when someone is delusional and not able to have any self awareness of it.
Other people being able to see you in a different way to you is normal to an extent. Few people in the general poplutation have the all consuming self hatred that we have but I think it is a spectrum situation.
It certainly feels crazy to me though and I sympathise. It would be nice to feel like I was not something stuck under someones shoe...
When they say this it isn't in the context you fear at all. It is when someone is delusional and not able to have any self awareness of it.
Other people being able to see you in a different way to you is normal to an extent. Few people in the general poplutation have the all consuming self hatred that we have but I think it is a spectrum situation.
It certainly feels crazy to me though and I sympathise. It would be nice to feel like I was not something stuck under someones shoe...
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ms spock
VIP Member
I really sympathise as I really am struggling with this at this time.
Sweet Girl
New Here
Well said Flyaway. My current round of self hatred does not include physical self harm but other self destructive patterns that if continued, could potentially cost me my job, my reputation and some long time relationships.
I don't have a very strong inner voice to stop me because the loudest voice is screaming it would serve me right to show everyone how bad I really am. My T is calling it a shame attack, basically everything Flyaway describes above. Sorry I have no answers, hopefully it helps to know you're not alone.
I don't have a very strong inner voice to stop me because the loudest voice is screaming it would serve me right to show everyone how bad I really am. My T is calling it a shame attack, basically everything Flyaway describes above. Sorry I have no answers, hopefully it helps to know you're not alone.
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