Dom Violence A Gut Instinct - Self Doubt

[Nicolette]

Today while thinking about this forum I wondered what sows the seeds of doubt within us; why we question ourselves.

My only answer for me goes back to my "childhood". I remember growing up getting a funny feeling or sense that something was not right, what I learned as an adult was gut instinct, but because of the abuse I feel I learned to tune out and not trust it as reality taught me that my feelings were wrong. Sheesh, how do I put this into words?! If my instincts told me getting beaten was wrong, nothing in my life supported that feeling and it was enforced and not dismissed that I had been bad so I must have been, right? I mean, ripping my earring through my ear as punishment for something I did 8 hours ago and couldn't even remember at a young age was reasonable and normal?! It felt wrong but my step father said I was bad and my mother never stopped him or said anything so my internal reactions to what was going on had to be wrong? Right? Confusion at it's best.

So, add 10 years of enforcement, and when a partner did something to me which felt wrong, seemed wrong but he told me I deserved then, based on my past, he could convince me as that feeling inside me had disappeared. This is harder to verbalise than I expected........arrrrgh!

What I am trying to explain is that I believe that my instincts were correct all my life but I was taught to dismiss them. With that in mind, when I was abused, and that feeling would arise, I was told that I deserved it or "if I hadn't..... then... wouldn't have happened" and I would still believe them.

I don't know what happened or when but the more I read, learned, experienced and observed I began to associate those feelings to the abuse I was experiencing.

I need to either scrap this or try again but I'll leave it for now as maybe someone can articulate what I'm struggling to express.... :bh:

 

[Loloma]

I guess that it was more a case of ignoring your instincts rather than dismissing them. And of course the blame was always apportioned to you, because they couldn't blame themselves could they?

It's not easy trying to figure it all out Nicolette. So many incidents that arose during childhood taught us to believe somehow that it was our fault. Because we are raised (or isolated) in our own environment ,we never get a chance to see how normal families live. As we get older we begin to mentally question, then comparing our lives to that of our friends.

The messages you got from your partner "you deserve it", were the same you got from your parents. Naturally in the beginning you probably believed it, until the violence escalated.

It was all in the programming. Your mind and logic tell you that the abuse is wrong, but the learnt messages tell you the opposite.

 

[Nicolette]

I raised this in an attempt to discuss how we can still apply this programming as an adult when being abused. It is common to dismiss your gut instinct and rationalise your own way out of what would normally be unacceptable situations. I am still searching for a way to adequately express what I am trying to say. I've been fighting a flu/infection all week and I'm just drained.

 

[StarChild]

Off-topic, I know but...

I've been fighting a flu/infection all week and I'm just drained.

Dear Nicolette, although this forum is your baby now, please go easy on your health. To take care of yourself is just as important than to raise this "toddler-forum". :smile: Sending you healing vibes.

 

[Nicolette]

Thanks SweetLullaby. Good advice - I just don't want to let you all down :)

 

[HëllaBubz]

I believe that my instincts were correct all my life but I was taught to dismiss them.

I really do understand what you are saying here Nicolette, there are some things that no matter how much it is battered into us that 'they' are right and we are wrong, there will always be that little monkey on our shoulder telling us that this is absolute bullshit, and we truly do deserve better.

It is merely a testament to the skill of the abuser as to how long it takes us to realize that we do indeed deserve better, and at some stage, we've listened to that little monkey, otherwise we wouldn't be here today.

Something is built into us, sweet, innocent children that tells us that even though we know the world isn't as sweet and innocent as we are when we are young, what is happening to us is so fundamentally wrong that we cannot shake that feeling forever.

I've had that feeling for a very, very long time, and as things went on, and I grew up, the harder my abuser fought to control me and force my free will to his hand, the harder I fought back, knowing that something, somewhere would change if I held on long enough.

Here's to acknowledging that feeling, and giving it a top shelf place instead of the person in our life who should be there, but isn't because they are just pure poison.

 

[Nicolette]

Here's to acknowledging that feeling, and giving it a top shelf place instead of the person in our life who should be there, but isn't because they are just pure poison.

I'll drink to that! Very well said Bubzilla.

I like the monkey analogy. It's funny I didn't listen to the monkey the other day. I am estranged from all my family other than of course my husband and son. No-one else. Not one of them. I do sent cards to an Aunt but that is it. My brother sent me an invite to join his group on a professional networking site. I pondered why and even mentioned it at home. It was agreed I had no problem with this brother, always got on well with him, and only pulled away due to the connections of my family.

Silly me, the monkey talked but I went with reason instead of gut. I accepted the invitation and sent my brother a short and cheery message. No reply. I waited a week, watched that he had been active on the site yet no reply to my message. It dawned on me the invite was to find out about me, what I was doing as connections can see connections and there I saw a sister etc and realised they just wanted an in to suck out any information as I give them none. Had to spend a bit of time working out how to disconnect the link but worked it out. Despite this my lower self and the monkey have been having a struggle of wills since then as I still want to believe the best of my family......but that is the problem isn't it?! That's how you can get in abusive relationships. :fp:

 

[HëllaBubz]

Sneaky bastards aren't they! Yeah I refuse to connect professionally with any family members, especially my father, he's a professional cluster f#ck!

 

[intothelight]

I think that anyone who grew up in an abusive environment, or was in an abusive relationship long enough, comes out with a very real deficit on their ability to set appropriate boundaries. What many people learn growing up. or within the context of a healthy relationship, is something that a person who has experience domestic violence has to learn for the first time or relearn. Our first response is to question ourselves and take the blame, without ever looking at the entire situation and the role that another person may play.

It is hard to trust your "gut instinct" as it has been ignored or invalidated for so long. I have also been concerned that I might swing the other way and interpret perfectly normal behavior as having a "hidden agenda". People have bad days and can be snarky, manipulative and selfish, but that doesn't make them abusive or even potentially abusive.

I guess that part of recovering is re-calibrating that gut instinct, learning to set boundaries and being assertive.

 

[HëllaBubz]

I've been talking to my partner about boundaries, being assertive, and going by gut instinct when it comes to how we will handle people when the baby is born.

He truly understands that I am completely, utterly and totally over it. I am sick of my father, sick of his crap, and I just do not want anything to do with him or any other pushy individual, and my tolerance is completely 0%.

Both my partner and I have reached an agreement that anything that contravenes my wishes will be shut down on the spot. He understands that he is needed to protect me.

Its so good to finally be in a place in my life where I have both a partner and a friend who is there to protect me from those who are both family and enemy.

I'm finally doing what I should have done a long time ago, making the consequences to boundary trespass as severe as the damage inflicted upon me.

 

[Nicolette]

He understands that he is needed to protect me.

I hope that you too are able to protect yourself Bubzilla. Implementing your partner as a method of protection is a great strategy. It would be great for you to be able to reach a place where you yourself feel strong enough to express your boundaries directly to others. I am certain you will achieve that as I have been watching you grow from strength to strength.

making the consequences to boundary trespass as severe as the damage inflicted upon me.

I'm not quite sure I totally grasp your intent here. Are you meaning you will impose healthy consequences as the words "as severe as" concern me a little. I am sure you will be the better person and impose boundaries but not ones which will hurt others as you have been hurt. Have I misunderstood you?

 

[HëllaBubz]

Hiya Nicolette,

I will one day stand up for myself, but I want to be able to do that without the severe spike in stress, so until then, I'm hiding behind my other half.

What I meant by consequences as severe as damage is - you trample my boundaries or even push it a little when told 'no', and I'll come down like a ton of bricks with a flat 'shut it'.

If it's a really severe trespass of boundaries, I'll throw them out on the spot.

Politeness, subtleties or direct requests are ignored, so now I'm coming down hard.

One chance, or he's (or anyone else) is gone. The stress for me when I lose control and am forced to defend myself against people who will never get it, choose not to get it, and continue shoving their crap is just not acceptable any more.

I need to be safe and secure, and anything that threatens that will be removed, stat.