Panic Attack At Work Yesterday

[desiderata310]

I found out about my abuser violating the restraining order and the local pd having no record of him being served while I was at work yesterday.

It was NOT good.

The person that works closest with me, saw me go from having a good day (I had spoken to my son and he wants to move out here and live close by) to COMPLETELY triggered, crying, wild eyed.

I'm the boss. I'm not supposed to be the one who breaks down and loses her shit. I have completely lost the faith of the people who look to me for direction and to stand up for them. I've worked so hard to hide this from my department and there it was for the whole world, on display. I couldn't reign it in. I was triggered for hours. (Thank heavens for small mercies: it was almost quitting time)

I remember that the guy I work so closely with saying at one point: 'wow, you really do experience the highs and lows' (I has told him earlier about my son)

I've been up for hours trying to figure out how to face today, how to face this guy, how to face my department.

I am still scared to death of what is going to happen with my abuser: that he will show up this week. He doesn't take the restraining order seriously. Doesn't think it applies to him.

Not sure what to do about today. Do I pretend it didn't happen? Acknowledge it? Apologize? Explain it? I keep remembering the officer on the phone last night. He was questioning me and said: this happened two years ago, you never filed in your old town and this is Facebook message from a mutual friend is upsetting you this much?

Umm. Yes. You nit-tard.he choked me unconscious. Why didn't I report it? When I finally worked up the nerve to go to the court house to file I was told that no judge would believe me because I took so long to file ( it took me almost a month to get up the nerve). I have lived like this, with the constant fear he would hurt me and my family again for two and a half years.

Now, once I get up the nerve to say something again I am shot down again.

Even my therapist's response was a bit... Unsupportive. "You're going to be fine"
Really? You're the one who said he's been served and now I have no proof of that.

I want to quit.

I want this to just stop. Believe me, I would LOVE to not fear what is going to happen.

I just don't know what to do anymore

 

[NewDayTomorrow]

Your department probably has not lost faith in you. They may have seen you have a bad day, but that will not erase all of their respect for you. You can tell them, you received bad news and you expect to be feeling on edge for some time, but this is not a new problem for you and you will try to be professional about it and you expect them to do the same. So I might acknowledge it, but no need to explain it. Maybe just talk to a couple people you work more closely with, and let it trickle down. Or send a brief email to the people who saw. Just an "FYI, no worries, personal troubles that I don't want to discuss at work" kind of email, asking for space and understanding and no more excessive concern over it. This may reduce your possible anxiety about future breakdowns at work too. People won't worry if they know you are going through a rough time, and you can give them some indication of how to behave in that situation by keeping a professional manner yourself.

I don't have any idea what to do about the restraining order. Someone else may be able to help you there. Maybe find another officer who takes you more seriously? Maybe keep asking until someone listens?

 

[Changing4Best]

I'd suggest keeping your job, because you will need the money to get a lawyer. It sounds to me like your abuser may have some friends in high places. That is just an educated guess. May the LORD be with you and protect you!

 

[desiderata310]

Sheila- no choice but to keep the job.

Yes, he does have friends on the police force in his town. I've been trying very hard to NOT think about that.

 

[ghotiff]

Even my therapist's response was a bit... Unsupportive. "You're going to be fine"

That is such a unhelpful and horrible thing to say. No-one can ever guarantee you'll be 'fine' either physically or emotionally. For me that kind of comment always feels really invalidating.

You can tell them, you received bad news and you expect to be feeling on edge for some time, but this is not a new problem for you and you will try to be professional about it and you expect them to do the same

I agree with this. Just politely explain that you got some bad news but its personal and you would prefer to not discuss it at work. You can apologise for it potentially impacting something but then just leave it there.

Employees want to have understanding and flexibility from their boss in times of crisis, and when their boss needs understanding and flexibility they are often happy to give it, as they know it works both ways. Remember that they are human too and it could even strengthen your relationships as their boss for them to see you as truly 'human'. For example, my boss has at times taken calls from his 13yr old girl during meetings with me as she was having teenage friendship dramas and he wanted to be there for her. I really respected his commitment to his family and was happy to give him this time because I knew that he would in turn respect my needs to deal with similarly important kid matters if/when they happened.