Graciously Accepting Advice And Other Points Of Views, Practicing Gratitude And Appreciation!

[ms spock]

I admire how certain people take things on.

I feel I can take rather big risks with a couple of people, speaking my heart and mind because they are so respectful whether what I say is relevant or not.

Some people on this forum take a lot of time and energy to reply to people's posts and then have a member be super critical, use the standard "That is Harsh!" or give them a serve, when a

"Thank you so much for taking the time, care and consideration to reply to me. I am not sure what to make of what you say, it is confronting to me, so I will think of it. Thank you for using your precious time to consider, reflect and comment on what I have said."

or even

"This advice is not for me at this time, but I do appreciate what you have said and that you took all the time, energy and brain space to say it. It has introduced me to another way of thinking."

or

"I appreciate your feedback. I totally disagree with what you are saying because what I am dealing with is X,Y and Z and I think what you are saying A,B and C.

or

I have had such an emotional reaction to this because of D,E and F. So I will take it into the account though - not sure if I am over reacting or this is just not for me. But thanks for sharing another option.

You don't have to sugar coat it - you can be use - practicing the use of gratitude and appreciating as well as stating your own point of view can be much more productive than slagging someone off or just dismissing what they say out of hand. Even thinking about another option for 5 minutes is a good thing to do to start practicing changing your thinking of your PTSD brain.

Be real, be you by any means, but notice your style of communication. Think hey emotional regulation - what a great idea! (Or in my case what a novel idea! Seriously I only got emotional regulation at the end of last year.)

There are some people here that really only need a bit of fine tuning before they are on their way but given their reactions and apparently rude, dismissive and brusque replies I think why think for a few days about a reply, then compose a reply and then go to the trouble of refining of a post if people are only going to be unappreciative.

There are several down sides from not being appreciative to other forum members, is that people give up taking risks and discussing things with you along the way. You miss out on learning skills that are so important in real life, that is maintaining connections whilst disagreeing, debating your point or arguing passionately about what the topic or issue is, in an appropriate, contained, adult manner.

And when you approach other people's posts with a type of mindfulness, that is curiosity and awareness of how your mind/body/heart reacts to what someone else says then you don't miss the disco sparkles amongst what otherwise is meaningless or not relevant or beyond your capabilities at this time.

Even if a post is totally off centre - someone thought about you, someone spent time composing a post in their mind, someone wrote the post, someone took a risk to send you some feedback and someone cared enough to do this. That is they invested their precious time and energy and brain space - in a crowded PTSD brain or in their busy daily life. This is a gift. I see people who have no one - no group to belong to - no one to call them on their stuff - no one to say "Don't give up - you are close now, sit with the discomfort, this will pass!" or someone to say "Yeah that really sucks big time!"

And another downside is that people who recover and stay on and share their brave day to day management of symptoms - well they get jack of people being rude and dismissive and they leave the forum. Some just pull in and don't bother with mindless knee jerk responses. And it is the person who doesn't consider their response that misses out. I certainly need any hot tips available. Even knowing someone really understands can let so much pressure out of me.

In a world where buying stuff seems to be a priority, we are not reminded to really cherish our interactions with each other. We are not valuing what we have. And you know so many of us have lost so much, some of us had very little to lose right from the beginning of their lives, some of us went in to combat and can't take in anything good in anymore. So let us not neglect ourselves and others by not taking the kindness and care in a post even if it is about disco dancing and some other type of inclusive joke type situation, Star Trek pun or unwanted advice.

It is what it is.

Whether we take what is under a post, that is time and attention, is up to us.

And if we can be flat out respectfully honest with each other, to the best of our abilities then we can cut through a bit of the crap in our lives or at least know that this part of the journey is difficult or bone wrenching weary travel and so we can take a little solace that someone, some where, actually cares a little. And that people relate and understand, sheesh that makes a difference to me.

It doesn't make up for what we all lost, in our own ways, but it is something. And to let ourselves to have the first small somethings is part of the journey of healing/managing the PTSD.

 

[Lionheart]

Brilliant thread in my opinion Ms. Spock, I totally agree with you!!! Thank you for sharing!!!!

Sincerely,

Lionheart

 

[Trekker]

I'm new here but I want to thank you for that wonderful post!

 

[ms spock]

Heya @Lionheart I will consider what you are saying and when I have achieved a measure of self control I will reply to your post! LMAO Ah come here you big Lionheart and have a hug! I would be funnier but I haven't got the time! I have to go and be a real person in the real world and that has my daily time table out of whack.

Welcome to myPTSD @Trekker, obviously you are a person of refinement and discernment! It is agreeable to read you.

 

[austint]

Ms Spock Thanks for the thread! I have been super triggered thinking about the people in my life who stopped listening when things got hard, one person would literally yell into the phone "I'm not listening, I'm not listening..." and of course I would have fits of rage and end up screaming back until she would hang up on me saying "you're screaming at me, I will speak with you when you can be an adult." What craziness! I cut that person out, but still get triggered. This thread gave me a lot of hope not only in knowing people will continue to make sure this is a safe place in every way, a positive place, but that even though I gave up communicating with any one for a while because no matter how many times I tried to speak respectfully some jerks just wanted to instigate crap. But that is all it is, crap, and being kind and listening and taking time is not lost or worthless in this world.
You made me think of my daughter, the best thing about her is her kindness. Wonderful post, thank you!

 

[anthony]

Kind of reminds me of that other thread... something about just saying yes and agreeing with people to be nice. f*ck that I say... be yourself, be honest and well... if you can't be true to yourself, then what the hell is the point of life!

 

[Lionheart]

Ah come here you big Lionheart and have a hug!

Thank you Ms Spock, big, warm, healing hugs for you!!!!

Lion

 

[J_trustno1]

I have to agree with what @anthony said. Being nice and appreciating peoples thoughts is one thing but implementing on them by going out of your reach is another. Accepting peoples views and opinions does not always lead to pleasure because a lot of us have had too much junk thrown at us in an earlier age to accept and follow. But always accepting opinions of others does more harm than self-satisfaction. I have achieved things in life because I wanted to prove people wrong or wanted to seem nice BUT in the end I was the one who was unhappy after trying to make others happy. So I think being true to yourself is better than always saying yes and following rules like a sheep. I am still lacking the ability to say NO or ignore people but being nice doesn't always mean you love what you are being told.

Sorry didn't mean to hurt anyone, it was just my opinion.

 

[ms spock]

This thread gave me a lot of hope not only in knowing people will continue to make sure this is a safe place in every way, a positive place,

I so seek the safe spaces @austint as well. I don't feel safe even when I am on my own a majority of the time.

I have major problems with emotional regulation, with being present when other people are in the room and not being totally spaced out the majority of the time. I don't feel real and the world doesn't feel read and I struggle to have a concept of time - it seems it all goes on and on and nothing happens a lot of the time. Thought I choose to share my achievements in my diary rather than the struggles.

The thing is @austint as lack of emotional regulation is a major feature of PTSD I think it can be unwise to expect a place online to be safe. There will be people that behave in ways that are admirable and consistent ways, and sometimes people have bad days and we all know how that can spiral downwards.

So today I was present in my body for 10-20% of the time when other people were actually present in the room and I didn't spend 90% of the time engaged in active suicidal ideation. That is my best yet in any situation.

The thing is that whilst it is important to find safe places for us to be - we must actively take care of ourselves and our lives rather than depending on others to do that for us.

I am a total 10 in the schema dependence stuff so I have no answers and not even half reasonable questions about how to do that.

but that even though I gave up communicating with any one for a while because no matter how many times I tried to speak respectfully some jerks just wanted to instigate crap.

And learning to manage my PTSD means I hope to be able to manage these situations.

being kind and listening and taking time is not lost or worthless in this world.

With judicious judgement of the situation of what is really here in this now, and being actually present in your body and having a good understanding of the lay of the land so you are sure of the situation then absolutely.

I can't do this stuff yet.

I, myself, am into random acts of kindness in a big way.

I know that as someone with PTSD Complex Trauma that I am 7 times more likely to be raped as an adult woman due to living through repeated child rapes in my family of origin. Basic self care is a challenge and I have put myself in dangerous situations simply because I didn't realise that it was potentially dangerous. I was never protected as a child so I don't know what that feels like.

I don't mean to be over negative, but all internet forums have their issues - but I am sure with your love of kindness and recovery you will work out what is safe for you in this now, on this forum.

 

[ms spock]

something about just saying yes and agreeing with people to be nice...f*ck that I say, be yourself, be honest and well... if you can't be true to yourself, then what the hell is the point of life!

There is a point to what you are saying. I don't think you are understanding what I meant. What my point essentially is that you can be true to yourself and you can be honest. You can argue passionately for your point of view or your position and this can be done with tact and diplomacy. It can be done from a place of groundedness and not reactivity. You can express your self and be honest without winding people up, being snide, nasty, passive aggressive, trolling, making side swipes in other threads or introducing straw-man arguments. You can react without being completely emotionally unregulated. You can react without maintaining a chip on your shoulder and that your PTSD is the worst, so no one should criticize you or suggest you do something for yourself or be proactive about your recovery.

You can be honest and be true to yourself by rejecting what some one says but accepting the care, time and energy that went into writing a post for you and your situation.

Being agreeable to be "nice" is to be essentially a disembodied doormat.

Though there are times when it is wise to keep your own counsel and waiting until a certain situation has passed before making a comment. Sometimes there is wisdom in taking into consideration the timing of your comment as well.

I know a number of woman who are the daughters of soldiers with Combat PTSD. I grew up with quite a few of them - one of the women takes the position that someone who has chosen to join the military would have known that "Shell Shock" is one of the effects of being in a war and in the military. She maintains that Combat PTSD is a result of an adult choice that people who join the military of their own free will make. Essentially she says that they bring Combat PTSD upon themselves, that is what her father chose to do. She argues quite strenuously that Complex Trauma from childhood sexual abuse is not an adult choice that leads to PTSD. This probably wouldn't be helpful to someone who has just gotten back from Afghanistan, like my friend's son, to hear. He is blaming himself and he had to deal with the "pink dust" and I don't think hearing that discussion at this time would be helpful. So her being quiet is not being honest and true to herself. I told her to be quiet and we had a few uncomfortable moments about that. But this guy is so close to killing himself it doesn't appear that he will make it. So there are times for being honest and true to yourself and then there are times to be decent to other human beings, no matter what your opinion is at the time.

I still think that there is a point to this life. It is about being compassionate, honourable and decent to other human beings who are suffering.

 

[ms spock]

I have to agree with what @anthony said. Being nice and appreciating peoples thoughts is one thing but implementing on them by going out of your reach is another.

If you reread my original post, Jess, you might notice that is not what I am saying. I am not saying to agree with every thing that everyone says. I even suggested possible ways in which to distinctly disagree with other people. And I quote from my original post:

"This advice is not for me at this time, but I do appreciate what you have said and that you took all the time, energy and brain space to say it. It has introduced me to another way of thinking."
or
"I appreciate your feedback. I totally disagree with what you are saying because what I am dealing with is X,Y and Z and I think what you are saying A,B and C.
or
I have had such an emotional reaction to this because of D,E and F. So I will take it into the account though - not sure if I am over reacting or this is just not for me. But thanks for sharing another option.

These are not statements of complete agreements or capitulations, these are self assertive and respectful "this advice is not for me" or "I totally disagree" or "this might be me over reacting or this might be not be for me" - there is no suggestion to be a sheep, following the flock whilst agreeing with anyone or everyone all of the time.

Accepting peoples views and opinions does not always lead to pleasure because a lot of us have had too much junk thrown at us in an earlier age to accept and follow.

Once again that is not what I am saying in my original post. I am saying to have your own opinion, but perhaps have a mindful approach, thanking people for their opinion and commentary, whilst maintaining your own point of view. You don't have to be aggressive or immature or shout at people or be angry to maintain your point of view. You can have your own opinion, be honest and true to yourself and also be polite, respectful and completely disagree and not accept what someone's point of view or suggestion is entirely. I am talking about not if we will have differences of opinion. I am talking about how to manage in a more positive manner those differences of opinion.

It is easy to slag someone off, be rude, dismissive or passive aggressive, what I am talking about is perhaps developing alternative ways to manage differences of opinion. In my family there was no having a difference of opinion because it literally meant being kicked across the room or flattened against a wall or endless shame and humiliation. If I stand back and not react to what I perceive as a negative comment then I can learn from that experience. Even thinking about another option for 5 minutes is a good thing to do to start practicing changing the thinking of my/your PTSD brain.

So I didn't say in my original post that you have to be nice and take any shit from anyone. I said perhaps there are better ways to maintain your own opinion without denigrating another forum member.

But always accepting opinions of others does more harm than self-satisfaction.

I totally agree. It has been very destructive to my life.

in the end I was the one who was unhappy after trying to make others happy.

I have totally ruined my life by continually doing this. But that is not what I am talking about in my opening post.

Sorry didn't mean to hurt anyone, it was just my opinion.

You are most welcome to have what ever opinion you want to have Jess. I enjoy reading your comments. I disagree with your interpretation of my original post, so I wanted to be detailed in my replies so you understand what I meant.

It is irrelevant whether we agree or disagree. What is important to me is to clearly state what I meant in my original post. I am not saying always be "nice" and do what people want and just agree with them. In fact my original post is at the opposite end of the spectrum. What I am saying is whilst maintaining your own truth and honesty and standing your ground about your own opinions, you can politely disagree with people and their opinions, rather than being rude.

I am saying that when forum members appear rude, dismissive and brusque that I am less likely to bother to support and talk with them. I have discussions with people who disagree with me but that is being an adult in an adult manner. I don't need to trash other people's opinions to have my own opinion.

 

[shimmerz]

It is about being compassionate, honourable and decent to other human beings who are suffering.

I very much appreciate this post. I am learning who to 'hang with' and who not to here. I do want honesty, but honesty without a feeling for another's pain to me is not helpful. I really like the idea of your posted list of honest, respectful and direct answers to things that may come up in a posting.

I have to admit, when I first came here I did use the term 'that is harsh' on a user. Trust me, I got mine and then some for it. Unfortunately it didn't work out well and that is unfortunate as it may well be that the users involved could be helping one another instead of 'arch enemies'. I like your ideas @Ms. Spock, especially in dealing with new users. It gives them a guideline of how to integrate into this community as we are all attaining to integrate into the 'real world' again and this could very well help us.

It would be so helpful if this community could encourage self regulation when reactions happen. Maybe it would lead to less people being banned and better still, a set a tools that will help us all gain skills that will help us to integrate in the big wide world. We are here as a community of people with very similar issues. How can we deal with those who don't 'get it' if we can't be respectful of each other?