Feeling Like A Loser, Even With Small Steps

[izmo]

Today and lately, I still feel like a ''loser'', even when doing small, personal steps towards self-recovery. Even when reminding myself of things I've achieved, I still feel like a loser.

I get thoughts like,'' you don't make friends easily'' or ''your bullies were right in the past, remember they said this and that.'' Does anyone else feel like this lately?

 

[Dana1010]

Yeah, I feel like this a lot. It really sucks after I've had a good day or two and it all comes rushing back out of nowhere. It's like, "Oh wait, this is all a sham. I'm not really competent at my job and likable and pretty. I'm _____ and a ______ and too stupid to ________ and not pretty and...... They were all right." I've had some really bad bullies - I actually think that word downplays the seriousness of it, like it's a word for school yards. My early twenties are so hard to think about, I amassed so many bad memories over that period it's unbelievable.

I was socially illiterate and I couldn't open my mouth without embarrassing myself. I also fell into the hands of seriously evil people 'cause I just had no compass, no experience, nothing. I feel like I'm in a race against the person I was then. It's all like an avalanche coming after me.

 

[Suzetig]

Yep, I can have a week where I've done really well and achieved lots and then, out of nowhere, comes the feeling of being a complete liability. By any measure I do well, I have a responsible job, a good marriage, close friendships and a comfortable home and still I can have periods where I feel utterly useless. I don't have any advice or quick fixes I'm afraid but I feel your pain.

 

[RussH]

get thoughts like,'' you don't make friends easily'' or ''your bullies were right in the past, remember they said this and that.'' Does anyone else feel like this lately?

I feel like this frequently, so yes.
However just because we feel like it, does not mean it is true, and certainly does not mean our abusers are right.

 

[izmo]

Dead Link Removed, I think I'm feeling that 'avalanche.' I'm in some sort of race, trying to recover but feeling overwhelmed at the same time.

Suzetig, thank you for the reply. By certain standards, I feel that I am doing well compared to the past, but I still feel so overwhelmed and somehow the 'loser' feeling sets in for me.

 

[Suzetig]

I know what it's like to feel overwhelmed, as @RussH says, it doesn't mean your feelings are true or that other people were right about you. It's hard to remember that and keep on pulling yourself out of that "I'm rubbish" feeling.

 

[RussH]

@izmo I will try to remember the things I did not fail at, or remember oter ways that I am not a loser. I am betting that you are far more a winner than you give yourself credit for, so post some things you have done that you are proud of, and let us read them.

 

[izmo]

Some of the things I'm proud of;

- Being able to smile during a tough time.

- Being able to recite poetry in public.

- People I care about in my life.

It's only a few for now, as I'm feeling overwhelmed but thank you for the suggestions.

 

[RussH]

2izmo, and excellent start. Also make a hard copy of you list, when you finish it, and put is somewhere you can see. Then, on the days you are feeling like a loser, read it, and read it out loud to remind yourself that you are not a loser.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

You are not as bad as you think you are and you are better than you think you are.

 

[SweetPeaandSunBird]

izmo, thank you so much for posting this...and to all who replied. When I saw the word "Loser," I connected immediately. Also, that idea of the crash after a few successive and successful days is a hurtful quirk my boyfriend and I call "the DOOM factor." I've had PTSD since childhood which was catapulted into uber-complexity after an assault during my grad school days. Looking back, somewhere I learned that "I must not deserve to be happy" which is akin to an expression ingrained in me since my toddler days, "You're getting too big for your britches" followed by "You need to be taken down a peg." If there is anything that bothers me most about PTSD, I think it is this aspect to it because it seems to be the root to so many fallen blooms of possibility.

I love the idea of making a hard copy of accomplishments (no matter how seemingly small) and hanging it as a healthy, meditative mantra/plaque.

I think I was born making massive "To-Do" lists, but I've been playing with a design for a "Tah-Dah!" plaque for a notepad or list. You and others here have inspired me to do (and tah-dah) that when I get some free time this week.

 

[Go Hungry]

Yeah, I get those sorts of episodes all the time. I can be really happy and confident and then it's like there's a black cloud that comes over me. I have to remind myself of my accomplishments in recent years. Great idea for the physical list! @RussH