Hi
@Ecl84 and welcome to this insanely helpful little corner of the web. :)
I'm just gonna start at the very end of your message because it probably is one of the biggest questions everyone here has been/is struggling with.
Is it something that just takes time to get used to?
Short answer: Yes.
Long answer: Yes.
The human brain in love is pretty much wired to want, need or even expect the exact opposite of long periods of no contact. In an ideal Hollywood-esque relationship, those just don't exist. Add the Beast to the mix, though, and "ideal" is not something that's just anywhere near being on the menu.
Being with a person with PTSD basically puts you into a 3-way relationship: You, them, and PTSD - and there will be times when the trauma becomes a right bed-hog and there just won't be any room for you in there.
Sounds horrible, I know,
BUT!
The good news is, you
can and
will get used to it, and the two of you seem to be on a better path than many. He's told you what he needs (and as others have mentioned before, unlike most other cases, "it's not you, it's me" most likely is the truth in a situation like yours), he's aware of and open about his problems and needs, and you're here because you actually understood what he was trying to say and are taking action, seeking support
before having to do something that inheretently feels
wrong (leaving them alone) can drive you bonkers. Huge thumbs-up for all that! :tup:
Yes, it hurts to be shut out, especially if you're the only one. Yeah, even once you've gotten used to it, there'll always be times of "weakness" where the questions will resurface and you'll wonder if he ever really cared, if it was all a big joke to him, if he's ever going to come back, if there even IS a way back from all of this, if you're really ready to handle a relationship with this kind of additional baggage, etc.
You'll also make mistakes. Maybe even big ones. There's no telling what they really need, even when they tell you they need to be left alone.
Yes, they certainly DO need time then, but there's no way (for you or them) to tell how much, or whether it's complete silence they react best to, or the occasional gentle (no-pressure) reminder that you're still there and will be around whenever they feel ready to talk works better. PTSD tends to screw with a person's sense of self-worth quite a lot, so some might even push you away for your own good but really need you to fight tooth and nail for them.
Whichever path you choose, it's a shot in the dark. You might luck out and find the right one, or you might make it a whole lot worse - but that's what makes us human, and that's one of the main things you need to keep in mind: You're only human, and you need to make mistakes in order to learn from them.
Don't beat yourself up when you think you've done something wrong. Chances are it wasn't anywhere near as bad as you may think it was - but getting nothing but silence back, no matter what you do, will leave a brain free to roam into the realms of chaos, guilt and worst-case-scenarios.
Try to keep it distracted or those kinds of thoughts
will drive you nuts (been there, done that, can't get rid of the hideous T-shirt).
This next part I'm now gonna write from the POV of someone with PTSD because even though I live it every day, it can be a bit hard to understand, even for me.
I've got my own Beast to handle, so I can say this next bit with some certainty: Love is stress. Maybe even one of the biggest stressors out there.
You go through life with your walls and your coping-mechanisms, all of which you've built up in order to protect yourself, and suddenly someone comes along and plows right through them all. Love does the one thing that's almost impossible to handle: It makes you vulnerable.
You want it, you crave it, you enjoy it - but above all, you fear it.
Still you do whatever you can to keep it in your life because it's one of the very few things that bring light into the swamp - until something else pops up, adds to the stress of trying to NOT run screaming from your own vulnerability, the infamous cup overflows all over the place and every wall, every fence, every moat shoots back up in an instant and everything turns into nothing less than a fight for your life.
In times like those, the first thing that needs to go is the one that poses the biggest threat to your defenses: The one person who's proven to be able to tear them all down.
Crazy long story short: It'll happen. It'll hurt (him as much as you), and it'll be hard to bear, but it CAN and WILL get better as you both learn to handle it. You need to do what he's doing, really, and put yourself first. PTSD is a bit of a selfish diagnosis, a sufferer will need to focus on themselves in order to survive, and a carer will have to learn to do the same or the Beast is likely to swallow them both.
You've come to the right place here. Every story may be different, but deep down, they're all alike. Read a lot, ask a lot, rant and rave as much as you need to, and find inspiration from the unbelievably strong men and women around here who have been or are where you or your guy are now.
Do whatever is needed to take care of yourself and keep you sane through the hard times and don't give up. It might take some time, but his stress-levels will drop again, and then he'll need you to be whole, not broken by carer's fatigue.
Again: You guys are on the right path. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a good and speedy outcome for you. We may never be able to tell what the future holds or how things like these ultimately turn out, but my docs are telling this eternal pessimist to adopt a glass-half-full attitude at least some of the time, so I'm gonna do that for you. You're strong, you're doing the right thing, and you deserve a happy ending. :)
Take care (of yourself),
~Owl
