I Wonder What Made Me This Way

[sun seeker]

A discussion about Criterion A stressors on another thread got me thinking about a question I've mused over for a while.

I have a few of them. Criterion A stressors, that is. I don't want to say much about them at the moment, but they date to early adulthood. There was also a situation lasting about a year when I was unable to leave my abuser because he would not let me take my daughter with me. My heart is pounding as I write this, feeling I don't have the right to say this or something terrible will happen. That I got myself into that situation, that it was my own fault, that it wasn't really all that bad, that HE will find out and ruin my life. So I guess it's not really true, what I was about to say - that I'm over these traumas and they aren't a big deal. But that wasn't the point I wanted to make.

My point is, I don't think these are the things that caused my PTSD. I've had pretty much the same symptoms as long as I can remember. Some symptoms have gotten better while others have gotten worse. But while there was a lot of neglect and emotional abandonment in my childhood and adolescence, there was never a situation I remember where my life felt threatened. I have recovered memories, but I am not at all sure they are not my imagination. Sticking with what I know to be real, there were some good things interspersed with a whole lot of neglect and lack of attachment and a few times my mother absolutely terrified me by her lack of control (e.g. throwing tantrums like a two year old in front of me). And a lot of trying to find help or a way to get away from home, and being ignored and rejected. And some other stuff. It was bad, but not life-threatening degree of bad.

For some time after leaving my ex, I did trigger to one incident that happened with him. The trigger was easy to understand and I eventually got over it. I also developed difficulty concentrating around that time, and that has stayed with me, along with intermittent trouble falling asleep with the light out. But these things feel minor compared to the following:

When I have flashbacks today, they're not to the time with my ex, when the most obvious traumas occurred, the ones easy to point to and say "yup, that could cause PTSD". They are to a time that I sense is preverbal, and an absolutely overwhelming, overpowering feeling that I can best describe as drowning, fighting for my life, with wave after wave coming over me every time I try to catch a breath, and a frantic desire to scream for a very long time. There is no episodic memory to go with it. Recently I put the feeling into words, and the words were "I don't have the right to live."

This is very confusing to me. It's as if I had the symptoms of PTSD first and the really severe stressors later. I live in topsy-turvy land, like Alice down the rabbit hole. Does this make any sense? Maybe it's staring me in the face and I'm not seeing it?

 

[Victory Is Mine]

It seems like you're trying to compare traumas - this was worse than that, etc. I know from posts you've given me that we have some similar childhood experiences. Here's the thing about childhood trauma. It doesn't have to seem like a big deal to your adult self. It could be a relatively small thing and yet have a greater impact on your life than anything that happened when you were older.

I am often confused by my childhood traumas. Sometimes I feel silly even mentioning them. It seems like I shouldn't have been so damaged by such simple things. I think there are two factors. One: my memories are not complete so I remember the emotional pain but not all the particulars, which makes me wonder why I was so pained by such a simple exchange (I am probably just missing details in my memory so I don't realize how bad it really was). Two: I was a kid. Everything is a big deal to a kid. I was not emotionally developed enough to defend myself from little things that wouldn't faze me now: neglect, fear of the dark, little slights and lack of love that only a child notices...

Maybe your childhood WAS worse than what happened as an adult. Because you were more vulnerable. That's certainly how I feel. The smallest things in my childhood are infinitely more terrible than anything that has happened to me since. And it's ok to feel that way. It's not your fault you were vulnerable. You can't control what hurts you more and what hurts you less. I definitely empathize with the feelings of guilt and shame and not feeling like you have the right to burden people with your existence. I think it has to do with the people who are most responsible for the formation of your identity giving you a warped and terrible view of yourself. Just like me. I always feel like I need to be punished. Like I need to prove that I'm not stupid or lazy or selfish over and over and over again to the point of torturing myself. Like I don't have a right to take up space and food and water and air on this earth and I have to somehow make up for it. I am constantly trying to pay for my own existence in pain, suffering, and hard work. Something that burrows to the very core of your soul and your reason for being on this earth like that... it has to be more monumental than anything anyone could do to you as an adult.

This is not backwards to me. It makes perfect sense.

 

[sun seeker]

Thank you, @Victory Is Mine. I've thought this too, that what is traumatic to a child is very different from what would be traumatic to an adult, and that because of this, the diagnostic criteria need changing. What feels life threatening to a small child doesn't have to BE life threatening to have a lasting impact. Several therapists have worked with me and told me I have clear symptoms of very early trauma. I just have trouble believing them. Those flashbacks I described - that's what the feeling is. It can feel like I am dying. I just don't know why.

I forgot to mention I've also lived in a war zone. Even that didn't have the impact on me that my mother's neglect had. It's hard to believe because on the other hand my mother is basically a good person who will go out of her way to help others, including me, and I feel so very guilty. Guilty letting myself feel it, guiltier still saying it out loud, and putting it in writing is enough to make me feel sick. I love my mother and know she did the best she knew how. Mending the split reality in my mind is one of the biggest tasks ahead of me.

Some of it began before I was even born, so I am never going to have more than body memories, and I have to trust them. It's hard. I've worked with somatic breathwork on the recovered memories, and had reactions so strong my limbs were tingling with an adrenaline rush that went on for the next week every time I took a deep breath - and still I don't want to believe any of it is real. My mind is so messed up. I've wondered whether in some twisted way I put myself in dangerous situations because they give me a coherent reason for the pain I am already feeling.

I keep changing this post, hope I'm not confusing anyone who already read it. It's not that I am trying to compare myself to anyone else. It's more that I am comparing myself to the diagnostic criteria and scratching my head. I meet the diagnostic criteria, but I only clearly met them AFTER I already had the symptoms. It seems to me then, that the wording of the criteria needs changing.

 

[sun seeker]

I just realized something. I came into the world in very unusual circumstances. My mother had an IUD when she got pregnant with me, and spent the pregnancy (once she realized I existed, which took a long time) terrified of giving birth to a "monster" as she put it. Would you believe it's taken me until now to realize that is a threat to life and physical integrity? Because no one did it to me on purpose and because I didn't credit myself as a fetus with the ability to understand and form episodic memories, I never put that together before. But so much makes sense in that context. When a shaman did a soul retrieval on me one of the parts was a newborn or unborn baby that was very reluctant to return. I've known all this for a long time, but never put two and two together before. My worst flashbacks are to a terror of not surviving that is so profound, it's hard to put into words. Completely different from any fear of dying in the present.

I get it now. I'm stunned.

 

[Sandstone]

a few times my mother absolutely terrified me by her lack of control (e.g. throwing tantrums like a two year old in front of me).

My father did this on a regular basis throughout my childhood. He only stopped when he had his first heart attack, and feared precipitating another. It only occurred to me that this had harmed me when I remembered cowering on the kitchen floor while he raged. My mother was mostly concerned about blaming someone else fo revery bad feeling she had, and that someone was often me.

Recently I put the feeling into words, and the words were "I don't have the right to live."

Yes, for me it's "I shouldn't be allowed to exist".

I can't work out if those things constitute trauma, or just set us up to be a defenceless victim of later trauma. I do know that they seem harder to bring into therapy than the "straightforward" traumas

 

[shimmerz]

My mother had an IUD when she got pregnant with me, and spent the pregnancy (once she realized I existed, which took a long time) terrified of giving birth to a "monster" as she put it.

Funny that you mention this. I too was pregnant with an IUD in. I lost the baby and almost lost my life. I am so happy that you made it through that! You are a fighter, that is for sure!

Would you believe it's taken me until now to realize that is a threat to life and physical integrity?

*heavy sigh*. Yes. From experience I get this feeling of 'duuuuhhhhh*, how did I not understand this before? Be gentle on yourself. There is a reason that you weren't able to put it together before, and it was a good reason. Congratulations for cracking the code!

I didn't credit myself as a fetus with the ability to understand and form episodic memories, I never put that together before. But so much makes sense in that context.

Lots of people dismiss this pre birth stuff. I believe it is super important. So many people believe that life beginning post birth but that just doesn't make sense to me.

When a shaman did a soul retrieval on me one of the parts was a newborn or unborn baby that was very reluctant to return.

Shaman's are great aren't they? It takes a while to process because we are programming to disbelief much of what they tell us.

It sounds like you are minimizing these experiences but this post seems to have brought some awareness for you. I am really happy to hear that. I like your statement about 'trusting' your feelings and somatic responses. It sounds like you are doing a terrific job with all of this. Keep at it Sun!

 

[sun seeker]

I can't work out if those things constitute trauma, or just set us up to be a defenceless victim of later trauma.

Probably both.

I do know that they seem harder to bring into therapy than the "straightforward" traumas

Yes, I get this. I spent years in therapy working on the things I thought I was supposed to be working on and even responding the way I thought I was supposed to respond. I was such a good client, with the exception of actually feeling better. What a lot of masks I've worn. I feel I am at a monumental point of change, and no one around me will notice the difference but there is a revolution going on inside me. Realizing that this is actually my life and I can choose to focus on what is true for me, not what the textbooks or the therapists or my parents or school or anyone else says is supposed to be true for me. I'd don't know quite what to make of this.

I too was pregnant with an IUD in. I lost the baby and almost lost my life.

I'm so sorry that happened - but glad you are still here. I'm bad at remembering statistics but I did look up the rates of healthy babies born with the kind of IUDs they had at the time and it's infinitesimal. On a soul level I must have really wanted this experience for some reason, but for a long time I've had a very strong sense of just not wanting to be here. My last therapist said "but you ARE here" when I tried to explain this. That wasn't the point though. I'm torn - wanting to heal and have the best experience possible while I'm here on this earth, and at the same time I'd so much rather live in a dream world. I'm not sure how to bridge that gap.

Lots of people dismiss this pre birth stuff. I believe it is super important. So many people believe that life beginning post birth but that just doesn't make sense to me.

This is one thing I like so much about Laurence Heller's work. He's studied in detail what happens when there is trauma at each discrete stage of early development, and he includes pre-birth in that. There are five of these stages and I identify very strongly with the first two. What to do about it is another thing. He's in Los Angeles.

Owning my life is a new concept for me. I'm not sure what to do with it.

 

[Victory Is Mine]

Oh, I'm so happy that you are having a breakthrough with this @sun seeker ! I would also add to the idea of pre-birth trauma the fact that when your mom was freaking out you were exposed to all of the physical stress responses in her body. Not going to knock the more spiritual aspects, just thought I would add the scientific perspective to reinforce the idea that it makes total sense that this would make a difference in your development and well being.

I think having really early trauma adds a lot of difficulty because there's no sense of what we would have been like without the trauma. There's no template for "normal" or healthy. It's hard for me to tell which parts of my thinking are warped and which are not. It's all such an integral part of my being now. But I do think that we have an opportunity to create our own normal without having the hangups of trying to return to a previous state before PTSD. I think you might have mentioned this before in a different post, and it's something I've been talking with my therapist about for a long time. It's difficult to know where to start when you're trying to create a whole new self with so little to go on and no sense of what is normal, but I think it will be worth it in the end. I know what you mean about not knowing what to do with owning your life... I guess we will just have to make it up as we go :)

 

[shimmerz]

and he includes pre-birth in that

This was a tough one for me. I couldn't get my head around it and what it meant to me. I just accept it now for what it is. The blissful time that most experience in the womb was not mine to be had. So when the shaman and I went back and did soul retrievals there was no time to ground to when she spoke about finding a time that I felt safe. Goddammmit! I had no idea what to do with that. I simply thought that I was an idiot for fighting in the womb and surviving,

Laurence Heller's work

You mentioned his book in my homeless thread back in January I think. I haven't gotten a hold of his book yet but will absolutely read it when I can. @Victory Is Mine has a really good point as well in that the stress of your mother during that time would have affected you physiologically. I do however, believe in the spiritual component as well.

but you ARE here

People tried this one on me too. Shaman told me the universe wanted me. Minister told me god wanted me. Screw them all. If they wanted me then why should I have to fight so hard to feel wanted? I think the answer for me was so that I wasn't looking for any external validation for my being wanted. I had to really feel it myself. Fight for it myself. I don't know why, but it looks like that is the way it is going to have to roll. You were a large part of that whole rant I had about god and the universe as I recall. lol. Didn't you write a letter to the universe for me? Perhaps I should return the favour.....:D

 

[shimmerz]

but there is a revolution going on inside me.

It is an overwhelming number of choices isn't it? It is like looking at a Pantene colour chart and being able to choose whatever one I want. There is so much flexibility in it, but also so much responsibility. I think I hear you.

 

[ghotiff]

I'm reading a book about BDP mothers and the impact on their children and I'm learning a lot about how seemingly "small" things can have a profound impact, particularly if they are consistently repeated themes from your parent.

To clarify, I don't know if my mother is BDP and it doesn't actually matter. What matters is that some of her parenting failures align with what I'm reading, and understanding their impact is helping me.

Maybe reading this type of thing would help you too?

 

[Chava]

There is no episodic Link Removed to go with it. Recently I put the feeling into words, and the words were "I don't have the right to live."

This is very confusing to me. It's as if I had the symptoms of PTSD first and the really severe stressors later. I live in topsy-turvy land, like Alice down the rabbit hole. Does this make any sense? Maybe it's staring me in the face and I'm not seeing it?

This all makes sense to me. I had criterion A stressors through childhood and early adulthood. I can remember some of them back to about age 4. But in therapy I feel <1. I do know (from later memories) that my mom was likely dissociated in her own post-trauma rages. She was abusive and we had a horrible attachment. I also know I had a horrible birth. But I have no episodic or picture-like memories before about age 4. But I have very real sensations and body memories that sometimes tell pretty disturbing stories (along with nightmares about little girls). I read somewhere that these implicit memories are pretty reliable, more than the kind our adult minds form. But they don't feel as real because we don't make sense of them well...they don't resemble "normal" memories.

My mom has no memory of her childhood or mine. But I do know about the hospitalizations and my few later memories. Does anyone in your family know what your very early years were like? I had more negative than positive experiences in my first year and my body continues to replay this...hard to re-wire this stuff. A new theme in therapy is working to create new body experiences, knowing I maybe can't rewire or rewrite everything, but I don't have to be totally stuck or held back within this frame of negative experience.

I was also very symptomatic before I was assaulted (just wasted no time trying to kill myself after assault). Other kids have serious medical problems and turn out mentally okay later. My brother was hit a lot and he didn't end up so self-destructive. I feel like I've worked through the adult traumas and gone backwards, and am really stuck in the immobile and non-verbal phase where I am having a hard time unraveling the sensations and different forms of memory.

Anyway, I've given up on the "aha! that's it!!!" wishes for isolating some kind of turning point trauma. My therapist calls my trauma "globalized high intensity complex trauma" which sounds like a real mind f*ck. But it helps to reframe the goals. I don't need to know what moment changed my life because it's not quite like that. My goals now are healing a lot of various pieces and focusing on creating good sensations and experiences right now and forward. I hope your therapist can help you with some of this stuff too. I know it can feel very messy and confusing.