Relationship He's Putting Himself First, I Think....

[Wastinglight]

...and I feel like sh*t.

I know it should be a good thing that we're spending tonight apart. I presume he's just looking after himself and that's a good thing. It's just a pity that my anxiety is skyrocketing as a result. That's my problem, I know. I realise that sometimes he needs some alone time when he's feeling stressed. And he is very stressed and anxious this week. He's been popping xanax like candy, as best I can tell.

Of course, his official story is that he needs to shampoo the carpets and let them dry overnight. I said, so when I move in, are you going to ask me to stay in a motel every time you need to clean the carpets? No, of course not. But I have to go home tonight anyway. Apparently it would be too stressful for us both to occupy the same small room all night while the carpets dry in the other rooms. Even though that's pretty much what we always do. And the camp bed isn't quite big enough for two. And he only has one sleeping bag. And, and, and. Whatever. What, are you shampooing all the doonas as well or something? You can't shampoo half the carpets today and half later in the week, like you normally do? No, apparently not. Can't you just come out and say that you want a night without me? *sigh*

It's only one night, for chrissakes. You'd think I would be okay with that. But something just doesn't feel right to me. It feels like he's talking crap. I just wish he would be straight-up with me. It's only makes me more anxious when he comes up with stupid reasons why I wouldn't want to stay tonight.

On the weekend we talked about how he might manage his need to isolate when he's feeling stressed, once I move in. He said he hasn't worked that out yet. But he said he's working on it with his psych. So at least that's something.

I'm worried that he will start telling me he wants to start spending nights apart again on a regular basis. To me, that will feel like the relationship is going backwards. It will feel like he's pressing the reset button on me. Like he's watering down his commitment to me. Like we're moving further away from moving in together.

Not having a good day. Stupid anxiety.

 

[Sweetpea76]

That irritates the hell out of me too.

My vet KNOWS he can say "hey, I'm not feeling it tonight" and get alone time any time he wants. There are times that he will still make excuses though. I think sometimes being able to say "I need alone time" is stressful, even if there are no questions asked. He probably thinks he is going to hurt feelings.

I'd rather get told he was feeling bad than hear some bull-flop. I don't think twice about him needing a PTSD night. The weird excuses make a girl wonder what he is getting up to sometimes. A lot of times I'm blunt and ask him if he is bullshitting me and just needs some space. He'll own up to it then.

 

[Wastinglight]

Yes, that's it exactly, @Sweetpea76! And i agree with you. When you have a condition like PTSD (or GAD for that matter), its easy to start telling half-truths (or even outright lies if need be) to make things more palatable for the other person. I see him do it with his family all the time. It would be very naive of me to think that he doesn't do it to me too.

The really stupid thing about all this is that we've actually talked about it before, about how it's a defense mechanism. Yet he still feels the need to try and pull this on me? Really? It kind of insults my intelligence.

I really want to have a brutally honest conversation about this, because when he acts like this, it comes across as being suspicious and it triggers every one of my fears and I have a very physical panic response. I really need him to stop doing it, if thats at all possible. I've played it out in my mind what I want to say but I suspect it won't go smoothly. What usually happens is that he gets defensive and I find that I can't get my point across.

I really would like us to get to a point where we can be more honest and open about what we need. I think the first step is admitting that I make it hard for him to be honest because i sometimes get hurt and upset when he says he would like to be alone, and he doesn't want to upset me. But i also think we need to come up with a resolution that will work when i move in. Any further suggestions welcome.

 

[Wastinglight]

I mean, it's great he is working with his psych on how to manage his need to isolate. But you know who else he should be working on it with? ME! After all, any plan he comes up with has to be something I can live with, otherwise it's not going to work, is it?

 

[illusionist]

I know when it comes to carpet cleaning in my house I prefer to do it when my partner has a weekend away.......in fact, I ask him when he's going. It is a lot less stressful...I can just crack on with it and not have his body in the way or any kind of interference.

Is it possible that he's just thinking logically? Yes he normally has you around when he does it, but realises that he's stressed at the moment, and just wants to get on with it with as minimum fuss as possibly?.....

 

[Purplemunchkin]

Yes, that's it exactly, @Sweetpea76! And i agree with you. When you have a condition like PTSD (or GAD for that matter), its easy to start telling half-truths (or even outright lies if need be) to make things more palatable for the other person. I see him do it with his family all the time. It would be very naive of me to think that he doesn't do it to me too.

It's the telling me what he thinks I want to hear that causes the biggest issues in my relationship.

He can't understand that I want to hear the truth, and telling me that at the start would be fine. But promising me the moon, and then failing to deliver, repeatedly, upsets me. Whereas if he'd just said "I can only give you this photograph of the moon" in the first place I would be quite happy.

 

[Wastinglight]

Is it possible that he's just thinking logically? Yes he normally has you around when he does it, but realises that he's stressed at the moment, and just wants to get on with it with as minimum fuss as possibly?.....

Yes its undoubtedly the case that he finds it less stressful to clean when I'm not there. He finds being alone less stressful full stop. What bugs me is that he felt the need to spin all that crap about sleeping on the camp bed etc. He wouldn't have done any of that because there's no reason for him to.

I think I've got no chance of getting him to admit he was talking crap, and there's nothing to be gained from pushing that angle. I am worried that he is feeling suffocated by me being there every night. If that's true we need to work together to find a way to alleviate that. Preferably a solution that doesn't involve me having to pack up all my stuff and move it back to my place, every time he's really stressed.

 

[Sighs]

Does his place have a spare room? I sometimes sleep in the spare room when my vet is having a hard time. Its not great, but at least I don't have to pack up my stuff!

My vet also struggles to be honest with me about his need for space. Two days ago I told him that morning that I was thinking of looking for work in my home state as he had made it pretty clear that he didn't want me around. He insisted that wasn't the case. We talked and I told him I would be home from work early. He said that would be great. When I got home he wasn't even there. He'd gone hunting. When he came home he said he had to go hunting because we needed meat. I just looked at him. Both our freezers are full. I honestly don't know where to put the meat he brought home that night.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I try not to do too many "come to Jesus" talks with my Vet. If I sat him down and said "we need to talk" he'd start to sweat. I make statements and/or ask questions during relaxed times. Like I have told him specifically that he can tell me he wants to be alone anytime he needs, and I have told him that many many times just randomly so the idea is reinforced. Now, I'm just trying to call him on the excuses. When I hear him starting to make the excuses, I just say something like "Sounds like it's getting deep in here, do you just need some space. It's OK if you do, I'm not hurt." He's getting more comfortable with admitting it when I do that. I'm hoping if I do that enough, he will eventually get over the urge to bull-crap his way out of doing things.

It may seem like I'm "training" him like a little kid or something, but it's behavior modification for both of us. I'm training myself to be patient and react positively to things that irritate me, instead of telling him to go do bad things to himself. He knows what I am doing, and he is working to react positively as well.

I know my vet would bristle immediately if I told him that I didn't appreciate it when he made excuses, and that it made me feel bad. He would feel attacked on the spot.

 

[Wastinglight]

Does his place have a spare room? I sometimes sleep in the spare room when my vet is having a hard time. Its not great, but at least I don't have to pack up my stuff!

Thanks @Sighs. Yes, I think I may suggest this, although I'm not sure if it will help. He frequently spends most of the night sleeping on the couch anyway, because he says he can't get comfortable in bed.

My vet also struggles to be honest with me about his need for space. Two days ago I told him that morning that I was thinking of looking for work in my home state as he had made it pretty clear that he didn't want me around. He insisted that wasn't the case.

Yes, we've had a few conversations like that too. I sometimes feel like he merely tolerates my presence, rather than actually wanting me to be there. The bottom line is, he finds it stressful being around other people all the time. He does get 10 hours to himself 5 days a week while I'm at work, but apparently it's not enough. I'm trying to go out more often in the evenings - doing my exercise classes after work inside of beforehand and stuff like that, but maybe that won't be enough. He has told me that he feels like he can't just do his own thing while I'm there. What he doesn't seem to get is that everyone feels like that sometimes, the point is that the benefits of being in a relationship are supposed to outweigh the good bits about being single!

To be honest, right now I don't even feel like going to his place tonight. I thought everything was going okay. We've essentially been living together for the past 2+ months - we've only spent two nights apart during that time (including last night). On the weekend, he suggested that I change my address to his place. I was so excited, because I took that to mean that we were officially living together, and that some point soon I would cancel my lease on my place. Now I feel like we're really not on the same page at all.

If he can't cope with me being around every day, then how can this relationship work? I know I'm awfulising at the moment, my anxiety is still through the roof and I've been on the point of bursting into tears all morning (not a great look when you're at work!). To make it worse, he's posted a couple of what appear to be passive-aggressive messages to me on his Facebook this morning. He's done this before with other people, it's a bit juvenile, I think, and right now I just want to cry.

Hopefully things aren't as bad as I fear, and everything will be okay once I get 'home'. Although if I still feel like this, I will probably end up crying in front of him. That will only stress him out more. Anxiety still rising...

 

[Wastinglight]

If I sat him down and said "we need to talk" he'd start to sweat

Yeah, my guy hates having relationship talks too. It makes him very uncomfortable. Especially when I make eye contact when we're talking. When we do have these conversations, he usually sits with his back to me, or in a another position that makes avoiding eye contact easier.

When I hear him starting to make the excuses, I just say something like "Sounds like it's getting deep in here, do you just need some space. It's OK if you do, I'm not hurt."

The problem is that I DO feel hurt when he wants time apart. Even though I realise that it's not a reflection on me (well, not entirely), it unfortunately triggers my anxiety. Hence why he feels the need to concoct bullshit reasons why I need to stay at my place.

So I know I'm making things hard for him. This has been an ongoing issue with us - how can we both get what we want when our needs appear to be in direct conflict with each other? But even if I do give him a free pass to have nights off whenever he wants, isn't that just a band-aid? It's just running away from the real issue, which is - he needs to be able to cope with me being there every day if we're going to live with each other! And if he decides he can't handle us living together, then that will bring our relationship to an abrupt halt - I'm not interested in that kind of relationship.

How have you dealt with this @Sweetpea76? Do you and your beau live apart or together?

 

[illusionist]

Oh wastinglight....that sounds awful! You shouldn't be having to find things to do to give him more space....that's just not right. I would hold off moving in for good until you are certain, and have been certain after a length of time. Think you should do what you feel tonight and go home to your own place....Sounds like you need your own space to focus on yourself for a night at least.