Has Anyone Got Any Advice They Can Offer?

[Thornyrose]

Hi all,

I'm hoping someone can offer their thoughts or advice! A few months ago I started to see a counsellor because I was fed up of not coping with my PTSD symptoms, and a new friend had recommended him to me.

I was really scared when I first went to talk to him but it got easier and I told him stuff about my background (physical and emotional abuse, being held prisoner, rape, memory loss, sleeplessness, extreme anxiety, panic attacks etc) and lots of the reactions I have had for years seemed to fade/ become less of a problem.

Although talking about some stuff has made me have some nasty lows, overall I felt so much more positive, and a couple of weeks ago I felt better than I can ever remember.

I then started to 'recover' memories in the form of flashbacks (a lot like the ones I used to get about being raped etc). I got so scared of remembering bad things that I went back to my old habit of blocking out absolutely EVERYTHING and basically living in a perpetual state of unthinking, sleepless anxiety.

Then I started to get nightmares again (when I was able to sleep at all). But they are new ones, and not the ones I used to get.

The problem is that I have got so low that when I went to see the councellor again yesterday I couldn't explain what the problem was, and I think he decided that the best thing to do was theorise about why my past would make me feel bad.

Problem is, he didn't come up with any original theories and I was really annoyed at him because I just want help to find solutions - I need support, not to be told how crap my past has been and how it makes sense that I can't cope - duh! I knew that!
:stupid:

He refused to take my money for the session, saying that he hadn't earned it and that he thinks I won't come back. Which sounded to me a lot like he doesn't want to help me (maybe he could see how abhorrant I am as a person... negative thinking and scary pattern matching took over..), although it might be that he realised he hadn't helped and felt bad? He did keep saying that he would be there if I needed him but it was weird and it threw me.:dontknow:

Now I don't know what to do - should I go back and talk to him to see if he can help? The stuff we did before really did help, but also opened up floodgates to stuff I need help to deal with, which is where I came unstuck. :wall:

Or should I assume he can't / won't help me and give up?

If you kept reading till the end of this - thanks! If you can offer me any advice, or even just thoughts that might help me decide what to do, I would love to hear from you.

Thankyou!

 

[becvan]

Problem is, he didn't come up with any original theories and I was really annoyed at him because I just want help to find solutions - I need support, not to be told how crap my past has been and how it makes sense that I can't cope - duh! I knew that!

Sounds like he was trying to validate your past, your reactions and how your feeling. You may know that, but sometimes we need to hear it over and over again before we believe it. Believing and knowing are two totally separate things. Remember, he is trying to help you.

He refused to take my money for the session, saying that he hadn't earned it and that he thinks I won't come back. Which sounded to me a lot like he doesn't want to help me (maybe he could see how abhorrant I am as a person... negative thinking and scary pattern matching took over..), although it might be that he realised he hadn't helped and felt bad? He did keep saying that he would be there if I needed him but it was weird and it threw me.:dontknow:

Or should I assume he can't / won't help me and give up?

This is negative thinking. Huge negative thinking. I highly doubt that he doesn't want you to go back or thinks he can't help you. Sounds more like he seen how much pain you were in and how YOU were acting led him to believe you will shut down and not come back. That is not a judgment on you, just good observation on his part. Many of us have done that exact same thing (I have left counselors in the lurch in the past.. lol) The fact that he kept trying to get the message through that he is there for you is VERY POSITIVE. He was repeating it to make sure you heard it and believed it.

My advice, go back to him. He hasn't done anything negative, it's just your thinking style that is skewing it to seem like he did. He wants to help, which is quite obvious and it sounds like you have a fairly good rapport with him. Every time you start thinking of all the negatives as to why you should leave, start writing down and saying out loud all the positives of why you should stay. It will help you shut up that little voice and help realign your thinking.

bec

 

[Grama-Herc]

Rose,

I totally agree with Becvan. Therapy is very hard and has ups and downs. A lot of people think that therapy is a joke and that "talking" is a waste of time.

Believe me, having been in the same position you are in, keep going back. The good sessions with your T. will outweigh that bad. I think your T was being really cool acknowledging your issues and then not charging you. Sounds to me you have a great T. Keep your appts no matter how crappy you feel. He will help!

 

[Deleted member 541]

If we all went to therapy and came away smiling, it would be nice. But the truth is, that therapy sucks because it brings up so much shit that we have desperately tried to forget or push away forever.

Go back and let him pick your brain some more. Let him get into places that you have hidden things that you don't even remember. Let him do his job.

Yes, it sucks, but it will be well worth it in the end.......

 

[Dylan]

Why not print your post and, in the next session, read it to him?

For me, a therapeutic relationship isn't going to help me heal unless
I first establish trust with the person I'm hoping will help me navigate successfully through the anguish and pain of the past. I believe that building at least a basic foundation of trust is paramount to success, especially if the originating trauma(s) was/were of human design and included betrayal. If my trust in human relationships has been severely damaged by humans that I knew and trusted, what makes me think that I'll go to hell and back with someone I don't even know, simply because they have a "PhD" after their name?

So, IMO, unless I'm in crisis, the first job in beginning therapy with someone is not to dive in, but to establish some trust. And the second is to help me establish some coping/soothing/grounding skills to help displace at least some of the distress symptoms.

I must say, though, that if it were me I would feel a bit odd about the not paying part, and I'm not sure how professional it is to tell a client you don't think they'd come back. For me, it's important that my counselor remain pretty objective and professional. It helps with my trust...

HTH -
-Dylan

 

[ga yankee]

i agree with everyone else...go back and explain, explain explain! the more you talk, the more your therapist gets to know you and the better you feel. it took me about 18 months to really and totally trust my therapist and we go through ups and downs all the time. sometimes i argue with her like i do my husband. it sounds to me like the therapist is trying to gain your trust and let you know it's all ok. with time they learn when to push and when to back off. and in time you'll learn to tell them more.

 

[Thornyrose]

Hmmm. Thanks all. I am still feeling uncertain of what to do, but now just because I am afraid of going back to see him I think.

I've never seen a councellor before, and its very very hard. I didn't expect to get my memories back, at least not the ones I've had so far - I was hoping for some nice memories but I'm still waiting to see if there actually are any... surely my missing childhood can't be ALL dark?

I guess I thought that I would just be able to go see him, say everything I have got problems with out loud and that would be the end of it. I'm starting to see that this is not how it works! What I'm not sure of is how exactly is DOES work? Or IF it actually works?

Do we think I should call him and ask if he wants me to go back or should I just turn up to the next appointment? Or should I send him a text to ask if he meant that he didn't want to help me anymore? I'm SOOOOOOOOOO Confused!

 

[Dylan]

Hi T-Rose,

I very much resonated with: I was hoping for some nice memories but I'm still waiting to see if there actually are any... surely my missing childhood can't be ALL dark?

The unprocessed bad memories really took up all the space in my mind until I started work on them. Now I can remember good things, too. But, when I'm in a bad episode (which I had from Dec to about Apr), I forget them again. As I heal, the dark seems to shrink and allows for the good memories - and I can actually feel them, too, which is a miracle because I didn't much feel anything when I actually experienced them in the first place.

To find out how healing works, there is a book that (my therapist tells me) is sort of the defining work of CPTSD called "Trauma & Recovery" by Judith Herman. I am just finishing it up for the second time and it is an incredible resource to explain, validate/articulate the experience of CPTSD, and give hope.

Everyone is so different....I think that what each of us needs to do to feel safe and begin trusting is different. So I guess the question I'd ask myself is, "What will make me feel safer and begin trusting this counselor?"

And who knows, this may not be the counselor for you. I'm to the point where I almost interview them now....I won't work with a counselor who hasn't looked into the treatment of trauma and recovery.

-Dylan

 

[Thornyrose]

So what should I be asking? I've never tried to fix this before. Its harder than I thought. I don't know how to explain myself and I don't know what to ask.

 

[Rivergirl]

Hi there-----I agree with Dylan: print off your first post and take it with you for him to read, then talk about it.
Also, has he spent any time going over coping / survival skills with you? If not, maybe that's what your next session needs to be about. Who can you identify as your support system?(friends, family)---and what kind of support can you go to them for? When the bad memories come up, can you call one of them? What about outside resources, like a crisis line that you can call when things are at their worst? (especially helpful in the middle of the night when you don't want to wake up a friend). And what about things that you can do on your own, like journalling, drawing (I like to draw with crayons on big sheets of flipchart paper), something physical that gets out your anger (running? exercising?). Make as big a list between the two of you as possible. Not just things you know you can do, but all the ideas you can come up with, even if you're not sure they would help. Then tape the list on your fridge and try and pick something from it when things get bad.
Therapy should be about unravelling the knots that our lives have gotten snarled with, yes, but simply doing that does not solve it. Therapy should also be about how to cope when things that has been half-buried come to the surface. It should also be about how to change the thinking that being traumatized taught us, and how to start looking at ourselves and our lives----and our trauma----in a new light. It's a long process of discovery, learning new skills, and re-imagining ourselves to wholeness again.
Personally I think you should go back and discuss all this with him. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
Rivergirl

 

[pandora]

Just be honest....let him know exactly how you are feeling about the entire situation.

these people go into this profession to help and instill trust, not make you more doubtful....tell him exact;y how you feel.

 

[Thornyrose]

So I went to my next appointment, and the councillor wasn't there. We didn't cancel so all I can think is that he decided I wasn't coming back or he has given up on me.

I was really anxious all day, it took sooooooooooo much for me to actually go - it was a torturous journey there (so scared and confused) and then of course the journey home was a million times worse because I felt like subhuman scum (again).

I'd gathered the courage to go and written out a list of stuff I needed to talk to him about before I could decide whether he was able to help me, and after all that he wasn't even there...

I've been having a rough few weeks anyway so this hasn't helped much. I know that there is alot going on in my life now, and that I am trying to do too much.

But now I am back to getting less than 3hrs sleep each night, having evil dreams (when I do sleep), tripping out, getting panic attacks (where I think I am going to die), 'coming round' in the aisle at the supermarket crying for no apparent reason and not quite remembering how I got there or what I needed... Paranoid doesn't even come close to describing my reactions to things at the moment. And I am feeling so low that I don't know what to do. I don't want to remember anything from my childhood anymore. But I don't know how to stop the memories coming back.

I don't want to have to rely on anyone for help anyway, I never have done before.
So I feel stupid that I ever thought I could fix the way I feel and respond.

:crazy: