Relationship He Doesn't Want To Be Happy?

[journey31]

We've had lots of relationship issues with him pushing me away. The other day I asked him "do you not want to be happy", and he said no. He doesn't care if he's happy. All he wants is his job. But he said he's not pushing me away on purpose.

I haven't heard from him since Saturday.
Why would he not want to be happy? Why would he say he doesn't need anything but his job. But act like he doesn't understand why I want to end it over the lack of attention.
I don't even know if we're still together.

 

[Fadeaway]

When you don't feel safe, happiness is less of a concern than survival. He also may not know how to be happy or what happiness is. I don't know him or his story, just throwing out possibilities.

 

[shimmerz]

Happiness is always a card that can be played to manipulate and control in dysfunctional families. Some of us learn to avoid happiness at all costs. Why buy into something that can rip our heart out when it is taken from us over and over again?

 

[digger]

Why would he not want to be happy?

Hard to say not knowing more of his story, but it's possible he doesn't feel that he deserves to be happy, either in a survivors guilt way, or lack of self worth.

 

[journey31]

Hard to say not knowing more of his story, but it's possible he doesn't feel that he deserves to be happy...

Oh I definitely see self esteem issues. Combat vet. Now a cop. He has had friends die. So maybe a mixture of all that.

 

[journey31]

Happiness is always a card that can be played to manipulate and control in dysfunctional families. Som...

He has said he's afraid of getting hurt

 

[journey31]

When you don't feel safe, happiness is less of a concern than survival. He also may not know how to be...

I can see that. I'm trying to understand. To me happy would help, but I know it's a different mindset. So it's hard for me to relate. And I'm trying.

 

[Friday]

If I needed to be happy? I'd shoot myself.

I was telling someone the other day, I aim for furiously happy, so that I end up in mellow/ chill/ tranquillo. Happiness isn't a goal for me, otherwise. Not dead. There's a goal. Useful. Another goal. Happy? Might as well say f*ck it and eat my gun. Cause happy don't stay. It comes, it goes, on its own volition. It's not something you can work toward, in the sense that you achieve it, and can hold onto it. Money doesn't buy it, hard work doesn't earn it, creative thinking doesn't call it. No matter how well one does in life? No matter how happy one actually is, or for how long? All of it can be shattered in a moment. More to the point, something always does. Whether it's earth shattering kaboom (pure & overwhelming grief, pain, loss), or a momentary thing (stepping on a Lego or Barbie Shoe).

There's also the fact that I can be freezing cold & miserable while dry, safe, & sound... And laughing my ass off barely even touched by the cold, soaked to the bone, in a half frozen mud puddle. Happiness... Eh. Take joy when & where you can find it. But work towards things you can actually achieve.

- Says the rampant hedonist.

 

[sun seeker]

I'm trying to understand. To me happy would help, but I know it's a different mindset.

This is helping me. I'm so used to being afraid of happiness, as others on this thread are explaining, that it is easy to forget that to most people this way of being doesn't even make sense. I am trying to learn how to be happy and it's not easy going. Thank you for pointing out what it can feel like from an untraumatized place.

 

[journey31]

This is helping me. I'm so used to being afraid of happiness, as others on this thread are explainin...

We can all help each other here. And I know happy doesn't just happen. But it has no chance of happening if you push away any chance of it.

 

[journey31]

If I needed to be happy? I'd shoot myself.

I was telling someone the other day, I aim for furiousl...

So it's more of the fear of when the happiness goes away? Because nothing lasts forever?

 

[Friday]

So it's more of the fear of when the happiness goes away? Because nothing lasts forever?

Fear is the wrong word.

Just to be über clear, only speaking for myself, & not your vet-cop...

Fear would only make sense in the same way that one might be afraid of winning the lottery. If it happens? Freaking awesome. But I'm not going to count on, plan to pay my bills out of it, or be upset if I don't win it. If my aim in life were winning the lotto? Pfft. Same as if my aim in life was to be happy.

Or maybe a better parallel... I have a good friend who is a fairly well known actor. At this point in their life, they're fairly forever-famous just because they've got this huge body of work. But if you ask them? (Paraphrased from hearing this story a bit). Honey. Never, ever, ever try to be famous. Fame comes and goes. One minute you're hot, the next no one will return your calls. Instead, do work you can be proud of or laugh at (Serious not even aiming for B-grade silliness, just because you like the director or other actors and you're all bored and bankrupt. Think Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog). Most of my life I'm only famous 1 year out of 5. If my aim was to be famous? I'd have failed in my life, and spent 80% of it miserable, because I wasn't. Be proud of the things that you do. Not the accolades other people give you. Other people are pricks. Nothing more out of any of our control as what other people are going to do or think. Be proud of yourself. When other people agree? They've got good taste. But It's icing on the cake only. When they don't agree? f*ck 'em. You don't need 'em. Because you weren't pinning your hopes and dreams on them. But on yourself. Only thing you have control of sweetheart is you.

Happiness, fame, winning the lottery... All things we cannot plan on. All things dependent on luck. But they're bonuses only. Not requisite.