He will tell me he's not pushing me away on purpose. But his job is his priority.
I get that. My job is important, too. I guess I just don't understand why someone wouldn't want both. And I'm trying to understand where he could be coming fro. I want to understand.
Because
The Ptsd Cup Explanation
Finite resources.
With PTSD sometimes we can't even manage our
first priority, much less #2-76. Singleton PTSD? Might have 40k in the bank, and not a single bill paid for
months. Because priority 1 is getting to work, priority 2 is eating/sleeping/bathing (not doing that one very well), priority 3 is paying bills.
Add in relationships? Our priority structure changes around. Regardless, we have a finite number of resources to direct.
If spending time with your beaux meant you would lose your job & your home & not eat more than once a week for a month... Well... I'm sure the entire concept sounds retarded. Shrug. But I'm also fairly sure that while you might take a sick day to have sex all day, you wouldn't stay home on a day to goof off if it was guaranteed you'd be fired for missing XYZ without being in the hospital level of real sick (and maybe even then).
A lot of people cannot handle being #2 (or a distant #7) behind work, sleep, eating, et cetera... Because the concept is ridiculous. Those things are baseline for them. Ten question of having to
choose between work & boyfriend only comes up if someone is moving across the country.
But when our stress cups are near full? That's exactly what we have to do: choose between "Do I eat or do I sleep?" & "Do I pay my bills or take a shower?" & "Do I go to work or meet up with my boyfriend tonight?"
If you've ever been so sick that reaching for the glass of water right next to you seems like its miles away (can you hand me that??? Pleeeeeease?), or you need to pee for 3 hours before you can dredge up the energy to
get to the bathroom (and only then because while it's been uncomfortable, it hasn't been go or wet yourself)... These things are very much the same as the finite resources available when we're not doing well PTSD wise.
Would I
like to have both? Absolutely. In fact, I'm often the queen of 'Have your cake & eat it, too." most of the time! But when I'm not doing well, the choices that I have to make? Mean that I have to prioritize like a mofo. Or the stress cup overflows, or worse busts, and then I no longer have choices. Because I can no longer do anything.
And by anything? I really mean
anything. My stress cup
busted a few years ago and on the highlight list of side effects from that? Sleeping for 6mo. (Over 20 hours a day, only getting up to pee & eat & bathe, each of those often taking me an hour!). Not being able to work for the past couple years. 10+ hours a day of flashbacks & panic attacks. Couple years of homelessness. And this is coming from being highly successful for over 10 years (and 5 years before that in PTSD chaos). When we don't prioritize & manage our stress? Our lives go to shit. Fast.
Yes. I would like to have both. Matter of fact, I'd like #1-76! But with this disorder? Sometimes it just ain't an option.
...
<grin> Now the
nice thing, when we are managing our stress, is that it generally (IME) only takes a few hours / few days / few weeks to get stress levels lowered enough that we can add back in our other priorities :D Stress cups completely overflowing (aka complete breakdown) are actually fairly rare. Stress rises & we vent it (appropriately or inappropriately) and stress lowers, or we isolate & allow things to settle, or both. But the perpetual risk as stress rises? Losing everything we care about. So taking the time to handle ourselves I s pretty crucial.
