After Processing, What Do You Do With The Memory?

[Dana1010]

I've had a good week with processing one particular trauma. Yesterday I felt measurably closer to healed in terms of this one trauma than I have in recent memory. I felt less triggered around stimuli that normally triggers that trauma and sends me into flashbacks, anger, hyper vigilance, etc.

Today, however, I find myself revisiting the memory, albeit in a more detached and disoriented way. I would describe my reaction as not-quite-triggered but perturbed. I'm just sort of looking at it and saying, "I cannot believe that happened. I can't believe there are actually people like that in the world. Am I going to just let them get away with it?" (with no actual way of seeking justice at this point in time, of course). I didn't want to backtrack and lose my progress, so I started trying to distract myself and think of something else, but then wondered, is that stuffing?

Does anyone have experiences to share on what you did with old memories once the associated trauma was processed? Did you find yourself going back there and being shocked at the egregiousness, and finding it hard to walk away? I'm worried about re-traumatizing myself with the memory precisely because my healed self is unequipped to deal with the outrage.

 

[Tinyflame]

Well I'm not sure if this is at all helpful, but I frequently have to distract myself from memories because they are too painful, or horrific, & also I don't want to keep thinking about them. I think that is stuffing.

However, when it comes to a processed trauma, I found that the memories or thoughts (especially intrusive & particularly unwelcome ones) have started to 'disappear'.

For example, for nearly 30 years I pretty much lived with the knowledge I 'killed' a family member who died (well contributed), & that made me a murderer. I kind of ended up in the position of a 'murderer' because I didn't say or do anything to stop it. Well, turns out I ('apparently') didn't (I say 'apparently' because it's hard sometimes to believe). So mostly for me, the response(s) I've felt processing trauma(s) are shock. I do occasionally wonder if I had not believed that, maybe I wouldn't have got ptsd? :( But then I think that's a moot thing to dwell on because I can't change it. But those are emotions related to the present. I do imagine if it is rage you feel (or anything else), you should let yourself feel it. I have a difficult time with self-empathy, but there are warranted reasons, even in review. Come to think of it, writing the above I realize that (that) past belief of my own probably contributes to views/ fears of my toxicity now, I feel like I should come with a 'disclaimer', maybe that is why.

So yes, I would view it now with this new knowledge & in a different light, & if you can remember to be happy at your progress. :tup: :hug:

 

[Friday]

For me, if I'm still having an emotional response (shocked, angry, etc.), then I haven't completely processed it. The hard work may be done, and now it's just the echoes to sort, or it may be round 2 of getting sucked into an emotional loop with a new perspective.

Honestly, that is where I have to be careful. My tendency is to want to throw stuff in a box, and ditch the key. Get back in your cage! So, for myself, if I'm still doing that then it's a heads up I'm not done, yet. I may have shifted my perspective, but I haven't shifted my grip (or it's grip on me). I need to be able to take a thing out, play with it, be rational about it, and be untouched by it. Mmm. Wrong word, perhaps. Not consumed by it. Not need to hide it away, or do anything with it, whatsoever. Just another thought. Another memory.

 

[Momofthree]

Today, however, I find myself revisiting the memory, albeit in a more detached and disoriented way. I would describe my reaction as not-quite-triggered but perturbed. I'm just sort of looking at it and saying, "I cannot believe that happened. I can't believe there are actually people like that in the world. Am I going to just let them get away with it?" (with no actual way of seeking justice at this point in time, of course).

This is what it has always felt like after processing a memory for me. I will always have the memory because it happened and nothing can make it unhappen but I no longer have the triggers associated with the memory. I handle it with a healthy attitude of "That was something shitty that happened that shouldn't have happened" feel perturbed but more on. Just like any other bad/ sad/happy/angry memory I have that doesn't have triggers attached to it. You sound like you're doing great to me :)

 

[Dana1010]

Thanks, @Momofthree.

"That was something shitty that happened that shouldn't have happened"

My therapist said to stay away from "should/shouldn't" thinking because it's an ideology that doesn't play well with reality and prevents us from making peace with the world. Especially for me, the idea that something shouldn't have happened brings out my inner vigilante and makes it really hard to let it go.

 

[Momofthree]

Ha yeah, your T is right, it is a hard habit for me to break. I have a friend that is always getting on to me about it she likes to say "Quit shoulding all over the place it stinks and makes a mess" :D

 

[arfie]

Like @FridayJones, I consider that more detached rumination to be part of the processing. I consider it processed when it begins to act like a normal memory: there, but relatively harmless and non-domineering. Kinda like my memories of a day at elementary school. Able to surface, but not doing so routinely, nor derailing my day when it does. It no longer needs special handling.

 

[Friday]

It no longer needs special handling.

In one! I am officially co-opting this.

 

[bell]

To me, once they're processed they have no "sting." Like how when you breakup with someone it's like you get hit with a brick when you hear their name, smell their cologne, but through time, it hurts less and less.

And through time and in healing, I become a better person for it as I know I can withstand the rough water and make it to the still stuff beyond.

 

[Whirlwind]

My tendency is to want to throw stuff in a box, and ditch the key. Get back in your cage!

Me too, I had to laugh a little, I do the same thing but they are a nasty lot and always find a way back out again. :)

Did you find yourself going back there and being shocked at the egregiousness, and finding it hard to walk away?

I would say yes, at first. I have a long way to go but I have accepted/processed a few baddies of my own. And even right now, I can recall them but its shock value is gone, its not nice but its ok, I know it is there, no secrets but it doesn't sneak back out like I mentioned above.

For these particular memories....part was getting over the initial horror and understanding it really happened, what it means how it affected me then and now. etc.

I hit a similar place in that I felt kind of blank about it for some time despite finally being able to talk about it, however it kept floating around in a detached sort of way. Long story short I kept taking to my T and once day with this particular memory/issue, he said something that cast it in a totally different light for me.

It was something simple that had never occurred to me ever, I credit my T but I was on the way to this same place, getting "it" for what it really was....after my light bulb went off and some more ruminating on just that - it was like the memory was re-framed in a totally different way to me, and it lost all of its shame and other bad stuff that I had carried for decades.

So I can totally say with that particular one, I have processed it and it truly doesn't bug me anymore, it doesn't pop up or give me the willies. That was huge for me and it gives me hope I stand a chance at handling the rest the same way (someday).

Hope this makes sense, best, Whirlwind

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't think the memory is completely processed. Did you process it during a single counseling session? If so, I don't think that's enough time to process. Its been awhile since I processed, but I think I spent a good 8-12 hours processing each trauma. (I did marathon style therapy where I had two weeks straight of one-on-one therapy.) Now when I think about it, I just think "eh" and move on. There is no feeling or trigger or sting left in the memory anymore.

 

[Dana1010]

@Solara, I have been working on it for a couple of months in therapy, but only in one-hour weekly sessions. The rest of the time (when not getting lost in it, triggered by it, etc.) I have been trying to heal it through journaling, mindfulness, meditation, and pretty much anything I can think of.

Do you think your marathon therapy sessions worked better than traditional therapy? Does the length of time you talk about it with a therapist really make a difference?