Am I Distorting My Bosses Comments?

[Melissa D]

Last week at our department meeting my supervisor snapped at me, in response to an example I cited. He thought I needed to "let go" of whatever grudge I was holding. The example just so happened to involve the someone whom we have multiple conflicts with. I was a little taken aback and humiliated that he addressed me so sharply in front of my peers. When I attempted to defend myself he cut me off and changed topics. Part of the discussion involved a rumor we have heard, from separate sources, that other staff do not like to rotate to our site because it is too tumultuous.

Later, I met with him privately to discuss what happened. I expressed my concern over the rumor; basically I wanted to know if anyone had a specific issue working with me. I am acutely aware of my type of crazy and try to stay in check- at least most of the time. If there was a recurrent theme, I wanted to know so I could fix it before it was too late! He immediately turned red and tried to avoid directly answering me. He was like, No, No, some people just do not like to rotate... After a little more hedging he says, Well, Stroop is definitely not anyone's first choice to work. There has been resistance from staff at all levels. When I tried to probe to get some specific incidents or even to identify a common complaint, he said to me, that many people do not perceive me as being as helpful but they think I am too pushy. He never said there are multiple issues but this is where you should be concerned... I walked away thinking that every person I attempt to engage wants to run the other way; that no one wants to work with me because they think I am trying to either take over everything or correct the way they do their work.

I have been trying to keep this from becoming a wrecking ball to my emotional state but I fear it already has. I am not a fool, I do not desire or expect to win any popularity contests. However, I definitely did not think that I was like a plague. Am I totally blowing this up? I am starting to freak out, telling myself I should just quit the job, they will probably celebrate when I leave, and not soon enough!

I hate this!!
Melissa

 

[QueenPhina]

Hi Melissa,

Sorry to hear about the scenario with your boss. He'd give me more than a headache for sure. (lol).

I was a little taken aback and humiliated that he addressed me so sharply in front of my peers. When I attempted to defend myself he cut me off and changed topics.

The above sounds like you are dealing with a very immature boss who can't control their emotions (and possibly other personal issues) in the workplace. Great job meeting with him in private later to confront what occurred! :tup: Regardless of the outcome, you showed your maturity and awesome leadership skills by confronting him about the occurrence.

He immediately turned red and tried to avoid directly answering me. He was like, No, No, some people just do not like to rotate... After a little more hedging he says, Well, Stroop is definitely not anyone's first choice to work. There has been resistance from staff at all levels. When I tried to probe to get some specific incidents or even to identify a common complaint, he said to me, that many people do not perceive me as being as helpful but they think I am too pushy.

That just seems to further serve as evidence to his immaturity, or perhaps even just frustration in the topic of Stroop (the one in the midst of multiple conflicts, I presume?). Maybe he's just P.O'd cause of the whole Stroop situation. More than likely this other person is probably walking on more eggshells than you feel like you are.

he said to me, that many people do not perceive me as being as helpful but they think I am too pushy.

Sometimes people just like to do things their own way. Sometimes they don't like to hear something, not because it doesn't need to be addressed, but probably because they are under stress and just can't handle input. Not your problem, but theirs. It's hard to not want to help in your own way though.

Just don't give them the satisfaction of quitting, even if you think they would celebrate if you left. Let them fire you and at least collect unemployment. (ha!) Well, at least not right away. As a mood booster, maybe you can look for some potential "better" jobs that you can look into - because no matter what, since this place is affecting you emotionally, it has to be changed - either positively in order to stay, or positively by removing yourself and going to a better environment.

Best of luck to you!!

 

[ghotiff]

Would you describe yourself as a perfectionist (I mean more so than those who work around you).

 

[Deleted member 1860]

To me it sounds like he has an issue with your pushiness (perhaps he's one of a number of people?) and he was trying to find a delicate way to tell you, i.e. SOME people have a problem with your pushiness. The exchange between your boss is a pretty clear example of you being pushy as you even indicate that you tried to probe him. (Probes are not pleasant, I repeat, probes are not pleasant! I think its no mistake that you used the word "probe"....) I'm not going to sit here and tell you that its all your bosses fault. I think that its time to do a realistic self-check and perhaps try not to be so pushy in the future?

 

[GWhizz]

I think it's important to be self-aware and know our personal strengths and weaknesses. But for this reason we have regular cpd appraisals with our managers. These things can then be addressed before they potentially cause issues. I don't think it's appropriate to bring it up at a random meeting like this. But at the end of the day, you did go looking for critique so I can't say you shouldn't have been prepared for the worst.

If you genuinely care about how you may be perceived as pushy and want to change that, maybe ask him what he would suggest you do differently. Or just try to be mindful of your approach to colleagues. Sometimes we don't actually see how we are with others until it's pointed out to us. I didn't realise how angry I was appearing in therapy until my therapist began asking why I was so angry with her. I wasn't actually angry at her but had been so mad at the things we had discussed and at just feeling like it wasn't fair being there, that I had been displacing it or moreso transferring it onto her.

 

[joeylittle]

Last week at our department meeting my supervisor snapped at me, in response to an example I cited. He thought I needed to "let go" of whatever grudge I was holding. The example just so happened to involve the someone whom we have multiple conflicts with. I was a little taken aback and humiliated that he addressed me so sharply in front of my peers. When I attempted to defend myself he cut me off and changed topics.

My read on this is that you went back to a subject that your supervisor did not wish to see re-opened - whatever the grudge was about - and he needed to make it clear to you and everyone else in the room that the particular subject you brought up is closed. It can feel harsh, but that's what bosses do, sometimes.

When I tried to probe to get some specific incidents or even to identify a common complaint, he said to me, that many people do not perceive me as being as helpful but they think I am too pushy.

You did lean on him hard to get him to tell you something, anything, about how you might be part of the problem.

I walked away thinking that every person I attempt to engage wants to run the other way; that no one wants to work with me because they think I am trying to either take over everything or correct the way they do their work.

This is the distortion. Everyone, no-one, take over everything - these are all really extreme concepts and bear no relationship to what your supervisor actually said to you.

I'm not sure what advice to give, except to change the aspects of your behavior that you want to change. You say you are aware of "your type of crazy" and try to stay in check - maybe you could think about how to embrace some changes in your behaviors so that you weren't having to keep things in check, but that things were actually just a little more leveled out?

 

[The Albatross]

There are several ways to look at the situation. But it seems you are aware that the work environment is not for you. Rather than quit, secure another position or a transfer elsewhere? The only criticism leveled at you was "pushy". I would self examine that one and see if/what I have an opportunity to change.

P.S. I am also a "pushy" person and have to remind myself to tone it down at times.

 

[QueenPhina]

Would you describe yourself as a perfectionist (I mean more so than those who work around you).

Absolutely. It has its advantages! Deff has disadvantages too. (Are you? I could have a whole other convo on that!)

I've had to learn when to just "not care" (when I do!), or rather not take action about something just for the sake of not stepping on others toes and feelings. Not to get mixed in things that don't directly apply to me.

I tend to want to fix things. It's not always my job to fix them though. (Always a work in progress).

I lowered stressors in my life by choosing my battles, so to say. (The other day my groceries got bagged with the eggs sideways and on the bottom. Instead of mentioning it to the bagger like I would before, I immediately fixed it myself as I walked away, even though I was freaking out inside until I did.)

In the end the amount of energy I used to fix it wasn't all that much. Even though I was a bit anxious until I fixed the eggs, it wasn't anything in comparison to what I felt could occur, and the stupid emotions I'd be stuck with then.

Pick and choose. Me - 1. Eggs - 0. Bagger - unaffected.

Personally I never really felt "pushy". I'm really sweet, kind, caring (maybe too much). Sometimes my attempt to "help" is viewed as "too much"; like my suggestions and whatever would be better left in my head. Sometimes they are. Sometimes I still state things, but waaay more condensed than before.

I still think your boss overreacted. I've noticed in the past when my boss would be more stressed with other matters, some of my perfectionistic qualities tended to piss him off around that time (when at other times it would be appreciated!) just cause they are stressed too... So don't overthink it too much. Time might be your friend here, don't bring up the topic and let time take care of whatever it was. Hopefully things go back to "normal".

Just know when the work environment isn't healthy for you and find something better. Hope this helped!!

 

[Melissa D]

Solara and QueenPhina definitely hit close to the target but most everyone has a pretty clear read of the situation. 1- Our manager has no clinical experience in my line of work and is 10+ years younger than any person in our department. The site I work in was an independent business until 2 years ago when the hospital networks began buying up all the medical practices and freestanding clinics- I am at a freestanding clinic. I was my own manager for the past 15 years and have tons more experience and knowledge than he does. We perceive him as being intimidated by all of us because truly he has no idea what we do on a daily basis,we manage ourselves 29 of 30 days a month. None of us, including myself want his job, we just want to be respected for what we contribute to the business. If we report something to him, instead of accusing us of nagging and complaining, why isn't he saying wait, I keep hearing this same complaint maybe there really is a problem!

I never considered myself pushy but I think as time has gone on and I have become the more 'experienced' or knowledgeable person, I can see how I have evolved into being perceived that way. I am a problem solver, I am very hyper- ADHD (am treated for it), I would not say a perfectionist but if I know that there is going to be rework because something wasn't done correctly, then I want it done correctly in the first place.

 

[QueenPhina]

I never considered myself pushy but I think as time has gone on and I have become the more 'experienced' or knowledgeable person, I can see how I have evolved into being perceived that way

@Melissa D great way to put it. I've found that sharpening my own communication skills helped me come across less "pushy" because I formulate my words carefully now. Pick and choose for _____ type of impression. Thought I would share with you, I can look up some old resources if you were interested in more info.

Hope you have a blessed evening.