ClairBear226
Platinum Member
Hi, everyone. I'm a member of this forum that hasn't been around much for awhile, and thought I would check in and say hello. I became a member here in 2009, I think, and in 2011, had what I can only describe as a huge crash. It was the worst I've had since I was initialy diagnosed with PTSD in 1993. I had a lot of repressed memories that I didn't want to and didn't know how to deal with, and though I likely would not have admitted it at the time, I was depressed enough that suicide was not an abstract concept. The last thing in the world I wanted was to talk about it, particularly to a therapist. I had gone for 20+ years since PTSD symptom onset without talking about any of the traumatic events of my life (I actually left my first encounter with therapy after 3 sessions because the therapist wanted me to spill my guts) , and had grown up with a "code of silence" that made such discussion a thing that struck terror into my heart. My symptoms were pretty bad the fall of 2011, and growing worse by the day. I would sometimes be flooded by a run of flashbacks. Horrible things, that to my family only looked like I was spacing out, but for me, were pure terror. I didn't sleep, and when I did, I kicked and fought and woke with nightmares. The anxiety and hypervigelance were bad enough that I thought for awhile that I may need to stop working (though I did manage to continue to work throughout the whole mess).
I wanted someone to tell me there was another way to feel better, to deal with the memories I was having. I remember sending Anthony a message, looking for guidance on repressed memories. I would have rather thought I was just flat out crazy than to admit anything I was remembering was actually real. I talked to friends on the forum, hung out in the chat room (frequently drunk). The bottom line was, there really wasn't a better way to get myself out of the intense symptoms I was having, and get my life back again than to confront it head on. The advise was universal. Get thee butt to a therapist. One day, my husband, a firefighter, decided to stay home from work until I agreed to go. So, kicking and screaming, and using the info on choosing a therapist for PTSD that I found here as a guide, I went into a relationship with a LCSW who specializes in PTSD.
It was rough. VERY rough. Like most people with PTSD, I've dealt with some pretty awful stuff in my day. This might actually rank among the hardest things I've done. I've had to finally confront some of the worst of what occured in my life. Some of it was bad enough to bring my therapist to tears. I "self medicated" with alcohol quite a lot for awhile, trying to shove it all back down where it came from. But little by little, I tackled the events in my life that were most plaguing my brain. Prolonged Exposure Therapy was the first method I had success with, and though EMDR was quite difficult for awhile ( I completed between 15 and 20 sessions of it) I think it might be what gave me the greatest relief. There has truthfully been no part of the process that has been easy. I tend use humor as my most comfy defense mechanism, and have often said I'd rather have a Pap smear, a root canal, and a lengthy conversation with an insurance salesman than talk about all the "gunk". But I did it anyway, because it was what needed to be done. Sometimes courage isn't a roar or a scream. Sometimes it's just getting up the next day and trying again. Putting one foot in front of the other.
Slowly, I got my life back. After nearly 3 years of therapy, I've just been released. I'm not sure when I had my last flashback now. It's been quite a long time. I SLEEP (such a huge deal for someone who went for a long time afraid to sleep). I can't say that all of my symptoms are gone. There is no cure for this, after all. I still dislike crowded places, and get anxious over things that many "normal" people wouldn't. I have things that trip the anger and anxiety, and still wrestle with recognizing that in myself. There is plenty to work on. But I'm learning, and a work in progress. Most importantly, I feel like I have my life back. Like I'm "me" again, returned to my baseline. No longer depressed, no longer looking for a way out. I'm back to being an active particiapant in my life, and enjoying the people around me again. There really isn't any replacement for finding people who understand you and what you're going through. I've been lucky to find that here, and with a friend who I talk to almost daily who also has PTSD.
For Anthony, I'll say two things, clearly and puplicly. One, you were right. And two, thank you for this place. It helped me to find my way back again.
I wanted someone to tell me there was another way to feel better, to deal with the memories I was having. I remember sending Anthony a message, looking for guidance on repressed memories. I would have rather thought I was just flat out crazy than to admit anything I was remembering was actually real. I talked to friends on the forum, hung out in the chat room (frequently drunk). The bottom line was, there really wasn't a better way to get myself out of the intense symptoms I was having, and get my life back again than to confront it head on. The advise was universal. Get thee butt to a therapist. One day, my husband, a firefighter, decided to stay home from work until I agreed to go. So, kicking and screaming, and using the info on choosing a therapist for PTSD that I found here as a guide, I went into a relationship with a LCSW who specializes in PTSD.
It was rough. VERY rough. Like most people with PTSD, I've dealt with some pretty awful stuff in my day. This might actually rank among the hardest things I've done. I've had to finally confront some of the worst of what occured in my life. Some of it was bad enough to bring my therapist to tears. I "self medicated" with alcohol quite a lot for awhile, trying to shove it all back down where it came from. But little by little, I tackled the events in my life that were most plaguing my brain. Prolonged Exposure Therapy was the first method I had success with, and though EMDR was quite difficult for awhile ( I completed between 15 and 20 sessions of it) I think it might be what gave me the greatest relief. There has truthfully been no part of the process that has been easy. I tend use humor as my most comfy defense mechanism, and have often said I'd rather have a Pap smear, a root canal, and a lengthy conversation with an insurance salesman than talk about all the "gunk". But I did it anyway, because it was what needed to be done. Sometimes courage isn't a roar or a scream. Sometimes it's just getting up the next day and trying again. Putting one foot in front of the other.
Slowly, I got my life back. After nearly 3 years of therapy, I've just been released. I'm not sure when I had my last flashback now. It's been quite a long time. I SLEEP (such a huge deal for someone who went for a long time afraid to sleep). I can't say that all of my symptoms are gone. There is no cure for this, after all. I still dislike crowded places, and get anxious over things that many "normal" people wouldn't. I have things that trip the anger and anxiety, and still wrestle with recognizing that in myself. There is plenty to work on. But I'm learning, and a work in progress. Most importantly, I feel like I have my life back. Like I'm "me" again, returned to my baseline. No longer depressed, no longer looking for a way out. I'm back to being an active particiapant in my life, and enjoying the people around me again. There really isn't any replacement for finding people who understand you and what you're going through. I've been lucky to find that here, and with a friend who I talk to almost daily who also has PTSD.
For Anthony, I'll say two things, clearly and puplicly. One, you were right. And two, thank you for this place. It helped me to find my way back again.
