Anxiety from being discarded by adult son

[NIKI]

I have heart wrenching anxiety from being discarded by my adult son. He is a Covert Narcissist. Has anyone else been discarded by an adult child? How do you cope? My father is also a Narcissist and I have a hard time with the fact that my child is also. My son enjoys the fact that he knows my heart is broken. I know that I have no choice but to continue my life without him in it but it is so hard. Can anyone relate to this?

 

[Friday]

I don’t live in fear of it, but I know it’s a very real possibility that the moment my teenager is an adult he’ll wash his hands of me. Or walk away and not look back for years and years. Very much a natural consequence of my having raised him first in domestic violence, and then my being f*cked up with PTSD & Depression. That’s all on me, though, so it makes it a bit easier, being my own fault for f*cking up his childhood.

 

[joeylittle]

My son enjoys the fact that he knows my heart is broken.

Have you checked this thought for any cognitive distortions?

 

[NIKI]

Have you checked this thought for any cognitive distortions?

Unfortunately, even before I had realized that my son enjoyed to see me unhappy other people had pointed out that he likes to see me unhappy. I didn't want to believe them but now I see they were right. I see it now.

 

[littleoc]

I don’t have any children right now and therefore I have no advice, but I wanted to say that I’m sad for you that this has happened. Many, many hugs to you.

It is not impossible that he could get better if he wanted to. My father was raised by one nice man, innocently figuring out the United States, and one psychopath woman. My grandfather eventually got support and got rid of her, but two of his three children ended up with behavioral issues (my father is a dangerous psychopath and pedophild and his brother was sociopathic and a pedophile). My grandparents (my dad’s Dad and his step mom) are both in denial about it and huge enablers, because like good people they still love their son, and they feel so terrible and responsible for his upbringing and how he turned out. But it wasn’t actually their fault — their son is an adult, and can choose to get help if he wants help. My grandparents still see him as a vulnerable baby, though. They are wealthy and he — being a psycho — has no problem guilting them into getting him anything he wants. It’s really hard.

You’re really, really strong for being able to make that boundary, and know you can’t have him do this. Maybe it won’t be permanent — besides him getting better, you will grow as a person.

If @ladee is comfortable discussing, she might have better advice for you, just on how to live with little contact with a child.

And @Friday, I’d forgive you if you were my parent. I am confused all the time of why my mom let herself live in fear when she could have helped us get help instead of punish us for it — but I know it was hard and I don’t judge it. I hope that’s helpful to you.

 

[TTC18]

I have an adult child with whom I have little contact. It has been painful - absolutely wrenching at times. At other times, I try to notice how peaceful life is when there's no one deliberately trying to stir up drama and hurt me or kiddo. Every single contact is an attempt to stir up drama, or gain information to use for destructive purposes. That makes it easier to appreciate the times of peace. It was harder during times when there was a pretense of caring. I love my child, and always will. But I can't have this in my life, and won't have this in my life.
@Friday - If you love him, you're light-years ahead of my mom. And I would have forgiven my mom ALL of it, if she'd just loved me. When it came down to brass tacks, that was the only thing I couldn't forgive.

 

[Mach123]

I have a whole bunch of adult children. I just finally got to this point and I'm like "did u know I was a person before I became a parent and I'm still one now?" I love them and I always did. It's not always good enough. My dad died when he was only a couple years older than I am now. I got a high PSA for prostate cancer a couple weeks ago. I told one of them if they wanted to get anything straight with me don't wait. I just turned 60. If you have scores to settle, you'd better do it.

 

[ladee]

Thanks for tagging me @littleoc. I wasn't aware this post was here.

I have been no contact with my son for at least two years now. He is a grown man, was homeless at the time, by choice, so I can not say what all was going on with him to go to the degree he did to hurt me. But I have asked myself this question since.... was he simply telling HIS truth?

This is NOT how I felt about it at first. Not by any means. I was destroyed from the things he said. I don't know if he is a N or not. I have a enough responsibility handling my own 'labels'. Only a professional could say what all his issues are. And he has many.

But like @tryingtocope18 , shared, I have had the space to not be bombarded every single encounter with drama, being under his microscope for every perceived slight. And just to be worthLESS in his eyes.

I can share with you, that all I could do was work on me. Just because I was healthier, didn't mean HIS past has changed. He couldn't see past his own pain. I get that.

Tho, of course, I could wish that he had approached me in a less hostile way, it was what he needed to do for him. I don't get to judge that. And it DID hurt, that he wanted nothing to do with me, did not want to know if I died. and on and on.

But again, after the initial gut and heart punches, I was beginning to be able to see things thru his eyes. And found it was more productive to work on myself, and forgive myself along the way, for having PTSD with all the crap that goes with that. Being in abusive relationships that he felt he had to 'save' me from, being and addict and taking him into dope houses. Ya, my son has plenty of legitimate reasons for the way he feels. This may not be your scenario at all. But he had reasons to feel the way he did, and possibly still does.

So, the way for me to start to heal from loosing my son, was to get down with myself and own the things he hated me for. But, the twist is, I did it for me. Not for him.

It did start to feel like 'freedom' from his constant criticisms, his words that cut to the core. Just as mine had done to him as a child. He is no longer a child. He gets to tell his truth.

It was a lot of work. A lot. A lot of looking at myself , and tho I didn't know another way at the time, to forgive myself for not knowing.

Of course I do hope that one day he shows up on my doorstep. I would be beside myself with joy. And can only hope he has grown too, that he sees a different mom, or possibly accepts the mom he has. I don't have that answer.


He spent three years on the street in Houston Texas, and an old friend of his, has given him a 'hand up', and he is now living in another city, with a job, and to my other son, he does sound more sane and settled. That is how I know. My other son, he still communicates with sometime. So, at least I know he is safe and working and with a family that loves him, yet will not put up with his nonsense...

And yes, it hurts. Nothing like it in the world. But I did learn, that just because I had gotten better and had made some changes, his memory of his childhood stayed the same. BUT, I did not have to be his target for the rest of my life either. So, no contact. He said what he needed to say, and then I had the choice to keep dancing that dance just to keep him in my life , or I could let go and work on me. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. He may have felt that I was punishing him with no contact. That was not it at all.

I HAD to stop the craziness. I , myself had had a life full of craziness. If I allow myself, I could get all crazy and hurt again over things I have no power over. But, ME, I can change me.

I'm sorry if this is not what you wanted or needed to hear, it is my experiences. And if I do ever, get to see him again, I have many many things to apologize for. Not that that changes anything. Or that he would even want to hear it.

Of course I hope to see him again. But I don't allow myself to go there very often. It's it's own version of daydreaming.

I hope you understand that taking the victim stance with your kid, will never change anything. I did, for many years. That is no longer true.

Sending you hugs of deep understanding if you accept. :hug:'s

 

[EveHarrington]

I somehow think it’s different when it’s someone else’s actions (ex partner’s) that caused the rift with the adult child, versus your own actions. I’m guessing the pain is a heck of a lot worse because you did nothing wrong to cause this outcome. :hug:

 

[lynn T.]

I have heart wrenching anxiety from being discarded by my adult son. He is a Covert Narcissist. Has anyone else been discarded by an adult child? How do you cope? My father is also a Narcissist and I have a hard time with the fact that my child is also. My son enjoys the fact that he knows my heart is broken. I know that I have no choice but to continue my life without him in it but it is so hard. Can anyone relate to this?

Definitely can relate as I came to the forum with the same issue. My exH of decades was very narcissistic and mean and abusive and I began to see some of his milder symptoms replicated in my adult daughter. Ironically, at about the same age when he began to show his "hedonism". (His word for his behavior! not mine, ha) Anyway, my current issue means I have lost contact with my grandkids and this is the worst part because I dearly love them and think of them daily. I continue to mail gifts on holidays, BD's, etc. and only hope they get them. I was a loving faithfully present grandma until my daughter called me up one day and simply read out some script she'd written and said I wouldn't be in her 'circle".. her tone was of someone just casually firing an employee. It hurts but you know that God knows your heart and while we cannot understand the how's and the why's, we have to let go for now. Your faith will tell you anything is possible and your Trust will show you changes will come given you hang on and take care of yourself, for we have zero control over anyone - sadly, even a child we raised and love. Peace

Unfortunately, even before I had realized that my son enjoyed to see me unhappy other people had pointed out that he likes to see me unhappy. I didn't want to believe them but now I see they were right. I see it now.

It's been my experience with ExH that when they seem to enjoy seeing you unhappy it's crossed some line into anti-social behavior. My husband escalated into that. If I committed even a minor mistake like cooking the rice wrong, he'd tell me with a half-grin that he was going to have to punish me. And.. he did, with withdrawal, gambling, an affair, etc. This is all so sick and mean behavior that no one can reason or endure that. He applied his brand of punishment to lots of people, even clerks at stores. It's a power kick of extremely insecure people, not of our making. They just spot who is easy to manipulate, control, or discard.

 

[shimmerz]

At other times, I try to notice how peaceful life is when there's no one deliberately trying to stir up drama and hurt me or kiddo. Every single contact is an attempt to stir up drama, or gain information to use for destructive purposes.

Yep, and for me every point of contact is about discrediting me, which isn't hard, I have to be honest after having been homeless for so long.

I have stepped back greatly (in my mind is the most important part of this). I don't go to see my kids. I don't call them, I let them call me. I don't share personal stuff now that I am housed.

My grand kids love me. My oldest granddaughter called on Tuesday picking me as her form of comfort when she went skating.

I have had to work a ton on my shattered mother part. The betrayal she feels I can't even describe and she is brutally abused by the kids. I have taken this part outside of me and we discuss that I know that all she did was try to protect her children. I am starting to take her back in and incorporate her into my newly forming Grandma part and what I feel is the core part of me that I am working on right now.

Most of the work will be about you and inside of you. I didn't know that for a long time. But you can't fix ugly unless ugly wants fixed, you know? I am just starting to notice Alanis Morrisettes song click in. I sing it often when I see things happening to my kids that they ridiculed me for. It's life right? Shit happens.

Be well. Understand this is bigger than you. Uglier than you. Certainly evil-er than you. Keep yourself healthy in case your daughter needs you. She may just figure it out along the way.

 

[lynn T.]

I felt triggered this morning by thinking about the upcoming holidays, specifically Thanksgiving. My sweet neighbor lady called and asked if I would be spending the day traveling to see my daughter and I said no. She was only asking due to concern I'd be alone for the day, but it made me feel sad. My daughter had always bragged on my cooking and I wondered if she would even remember that this year. Probably not, to tell the truth. I'd also rather not have to be asked questions about her from neighbors. It's my sense of privacy (I think).. feel it's intrusive at times from some well-meaning people but if anything should happen to me such as a major illness, etc.., I would not want anyone contacting my daughter because she doesn't care and is hardly a nurse type who'd come help me out, so I have learned from the past. There was never too much reciprocity in our relationship and now, she's presenting herself as someone like a hard-core business type success with little time to spare.