ImNotReadyToDie
New Here
Hi, this is my first post. I feel like I have so much to explain that it is going to go on and on forever… but whatever… Here is my life In a nutshell… if anybody cares…
First off, I was born with Tetralogy of Fallot (AKA Blue Baby Syndrome, a heart problem which I have had multiple open heart surgeries to repair at a young age.) Also I was born with a cleft lip and palate (again, I have had countless facial/plastic surgeries to repair this as well.) By the time I turned to age 5 I was good to go. But I had check-ups at the Hospital every 6 month from them until age 18. Up until middle school I would wear a heart monitor (basically a portable EKG machine) under my clothes for 4 straight days every once and a while to monitor my heart beats when going to the bathroom or playing sports so the doctor could try to spot any abnormalities. Nothing bad was ever found.
I was a very active child growing up yet my mom always told me to “never over-do it.” I wouldn’t listen until my face was beat red and I was sweating profusely and it would take me literally 20 minutes to catch my breath and return to my normal skin tone color. I never had any kind of issues with passing out being dizzy when playing outside.
When I was 12 I was having another surgery. I’d done it so many times before, going into it was nothing. Except this time was different. I remember the anesthesiologist putting the gas mask over my face and I drifted off feeling as-safe-as-can-be. The next thing I remember is a fuzzy, warm feeling with a bright light moving towards me and God’s voice was telling me to relax “everything was going to be Okay.” I swore I had died and was in Heaven. I remember trying to fight by swinging my arms and legs except they were tied down to the surgeons table. I was not dead. They did not give me enough anesthesia and I had woken up as the surgery was starting. Basically when they saw me kicking and screaming they gave me a mega-dose of drugs to knock me out for the rest of the day. This was the most memorable day of my life, which is sad.
A few years later… I specifically remember a 2 week period while I was going through puberty in 6th grade sitting in Math class, not paying attention to a word my math teacher was saying. All I could think about was that my heart was going to stop. I would sit in class and take my heart rate over and over and over. I was convinced that my heart was going to stop. I had no reason to think these things other than testosterone being pumped through my body, which I was not aware of at the time. I had my mom take me to my heart doctor and of course everything was fine.
When I was 18 I had a stress test done and I was told that due to my heart condition for every 20 minutes a normal person could withstand on a treadmill, I could withstand 7 minutes. Other than that I was perfectly healthy.
Not even a year later my Dad decided to cheat on my mom and divorce her for his mistress and he basically walked out on my entire family because he was unhappy. Needless to say this started my alcohol addiction….
So about a year later I met some new friends and decided to smoke Pot for the first time. Terrible idea. One of the many stupid things I’ve ever done in my life. It caused me massive amounts of paranoia and basically altered my perception on life & reality to this day.
Then 9/11 happened. Is it stupid to point out that I hate even the thought of flying to this day?
Since then I have been diagnosed with a mild case of psoriasis on my elbows, ears, face, and hands.
Zip ahead 9 years and I am happily married, yet in a dead end job working in a cubicle, sedentarily sitting unhappily under fluorescent lights, staring at a computer screen for 8 hours a day, with no pay raise in almost 5 years and basically hating my existence.
My recent symptoms are: the inability to sit still, hyper-sensitivity to light, fear of open spaces (empty parking lots, big rooms, grocery stores), fear of flying, fear of heights, jealousy, lack of trust, alcoholism, depression, and others that are just too hard to explain….
This is just the tip of the iceberg and I don’t even know where I am headed with this… just wondering if anyone can relate. I guess?
First off, I was born with Tetralogy of Fallot (AKA Blue Baby Syndrome, a heart problem which I have had multiple open heart surgeries to repair at a young age.) Also I was born with a cleft lip and palate (again, I have had countless facial/plastic surgeries to repair this as well.) By the time I turned to age 5 I was good to go. But I had check-ups at the Hospital every 6 month from them until age 18. Up until middle school I would wear a heart monitor (basically a portable EKG machine) under my clothes for 4 straight days every once and a while to monitor my heart beats when going to the bathroom or playing sports so the doctor could try to spot any abnormalities. Nothing bad was ever found.
I was a very active child growing up yet my mom always told me to “never over-do it.” I wouldn’t listen until my face was beat red and I was sweating profusely and it would take me literally 20 minutes to catch my breath and return to my normal skin tone color. I never had any kind of issues with passing out being dizzy when playing outside.
When I was 12 I was having another surgery. I’d done it so many times before, going into it was nothing. Except this time was different. I remember the anesthesiologist putting the gas mask over my face and I drifted off feeling as-safe-as-can-be. The next thing I remember is a fuzzy, warm feeling with a bright light moving towards me and God’s voice was telling me to relax “everything was going to be Okay.” I swore I had died and was in Heaven. I remember trying to fight by swinging my arms and legs except they were tied down to the surgeons table. I was not dead. They did not give me enough anesthesia and I had woken up as the surgery was starting. Basically when they saw me kicking and screaming they gave me a mega-dose of drugs to knock me out for the rest of the day. This was the most memorable day of my life, which is sad.
A few years later… I specifically remember a 2 week period while I was going through puberty in 6th grade sitting in Math class, not paying attention to a word my math teacher was saying. All I could think about was that my heart was going to stop. I would sit in class and take my heart rate over and over and over. I was convinced that my heart was going to stop. I had no reason to think these things other than testosterone being pumped through my body, which I was not aware of at the time. I had my mom take me to my heart doctor and of course everything was fine.
When I was 18 I had a stress test done and I was told that due to my heart condition for every 20 minutes a normal person could withstand on a treadmill, I could withstand 7 minutes. Other than that I was perfectly healthy.
Not even a year later my Dad decided to cheat on my mom and divorce her for his mistress and he basically walked out on my entire family because he was unhappy. Needless to say this started my alcohol addiction….
So about a year later I met some new friends and decided to smoke Pot for the first time. Terrible idea. One of the many stupid things I’ve ever done in my life. It caused me massive amounts of paranoia and basically altered my perception on life & reality to this day.
Then 9/11 happened. Is it stupid to point out that I hate even the thought of flying to this day?
Since then I have been diagnosed with a mild case of psoriasis on my elbows, ears, face, and hands.
Zip ahead 9 years and I am happily married, yet in a dead end job working in a cubicle, sedentarily sitting unhappily under fluorescent lights, staring at a computer screen for 8 hours a day, with no pay raise in almost 5 years and basically hating my existence.
My recent symptoms are: the inability to sit still, hyper-sensitivity to light, fear of open spaces (empty parking lots, big rooms, grocery stores), fear of flying, fear of heights, jealousy, lack of trust, alcoholism, depression, and others that are just too hard to explain….
This is just the tip of the iceberg and I don’t even know where I am headed with this… just wondering if anyone can relate. I guess?
