Asserting Healthy Boundaries

[upstream]

I've recently read a number of posts on difficulties with family members / significant others when it comes to talking about trauma or PTSD. I'm currently trying to problem solve my own situation with one of my family members.

I've decided that trying to explain things and make him understand is only making the situation worse (it seems to have something to do with guilt and denial). I think that the best thing to do is to assert some boundaries, and take this area of our lives out of our relationship. I don't blame him that it is currently in our relationship, and I think he will be more concerned about having a healthy and functional relationship with me than having influence on this part of my life.

I'm working on the nuts and bolts of what I'm trying to say, however it is quite crude and probably not the right way to go about it.

Your opinions on my mental health and traumatic experiences have no credibility with me because:
1) You're not a trained mental health professional
2) You are not in a position to be objective
3) If you met criteria 1 and 2 I would still need a second opinion
4) etc

When you make comments on my mental health you have the following impact on me:
1) You make yourself look ignorant
2) You say something hurtful, conveying the idea that there is something wrong with me or that I was deserving of maltreatment.
3) You damage my self esteem and our relationship

In the past you have scapegoated my genetic structure, my neurological structure, my personality, and even the healthiness of my ego (all of my research suggests my reactions to my environment and life experiences are normal). When you do this you:
1) Impact me in the manner described above
2) Make yourself look like you are in severe denial

I guess my question is, does anyone have any advice or experience with asserting healthy boundaries with family members or people close to them? I may be over-thinking this or making it harder than it has to be...

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

I think that it would be better to use the words "I feel" that your opinions on my mental health and traumatic experiences are not "realistic" because:

1) "I feel"
2) "I feel"
etc

This give the person a less defensive mind set. Or at least that is what I read some where.

Hope that helps
Tammy

 

[morgan]

All I know is that I'm going to be following this thread closely because my dad just hurt me deeply last night with one of his opinions.

Tammy, When I used the 'I feel' statements on my dad he just said "oh well, I'm not gonna lose any sleep over it." This is what I live with every day!

I gotta move out. That is when I can set healthy boundaries.

 

[Lisa]

I gotta move out. That is when I can set healthy boundaries.

I did that, moved to uni., and never looked back.

But I found setting my boundaries with my dad easy...it's easy when you're angry as hell, the problem I have is getting him to accept and respect those.

I'll follow this thread closely also...

 

[upstream]

I'm not interested in discussing this with him, either a hard line is drawn here or I need to put some distance between us.

I'm less concerned about a defensive attitude, more concerned about devastating him with more guilt...

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

Hi upstream, I can tell this is very frustrating for you. I hope this is clearer in what I was trying to convey.

If he gets on the defensive he won't hear a word your saying anyway. So I'm not sure guilt will even surface for him because he will be too busy trying to poke holes in your statements.

When I get defensive I might be lucky to hear one word of what the other person is saying and start looking for issues that I don't like about them and nothing gets accomplished. If I am approached in a less defensive manner I'm more likely to hear what the person is saying. We can "hear" what some one says but we don't always "listen".

I hope that makes better sense.

Good Luck!
Tammy

 

[linasmom]

Hey Upstream,

I really like Tammy's advice about how to deliver your sentiments, using "I feel" opens up the conversation to be inclusive instead of definitive.

Personally, I would not worry so much about making him feel guilty. His guilt is not your problem, in my opinion. If he feels guilty about something, then he needs to work that out within himself, it's not your responsibility to protect him from that.

I hope it works out for you.

Best,
Rachel

 

[upstream]

I appreciate it Tammy, but he's not able to poke holes in things I say. If I try to defend/protect myself the best he's ever been able to do is degrade my opinion by calling me some kind of name.

He's an extremely opinionated and rigid person, he is not going to listen to me period. I need a hard boundary with a goodbye attached to any violations. If I am soft with him, he'll just try to swat me down.

He tried to fix and control two other people in this family, driving the first one insane and destroying the relationship with the second (I've decided Kathy was probably right about this...). Perhaps I just need to stay away from him for a few years.

 

[upstream]

I really like Tammy's advice about how to deliver your sentiments, using "I feel" opens up the conversation to be inclusive instead of definitive.

With most people I would agree, but given past history, opening up the conversation sounds dangerous...

 

[Lisa]

Upstream... in terms of asserting healthy boundaries, unfortunately those boundaries have to be respected by both parties for them to work. If the other person is completely and utterly never going to respect you and you're needs and boundaries... then the only thing you can do is FORCE your boundaries.

I don't know exactly what you are wanting from this person - if you are wanting contact, or simply have no choice but to see this person. For me, I had no choice but to live with my father until the time came to move as far away as possible to university. But I still have to go home and tolerate him and forcefully assert MY boundaries.

My boundaries had to be forced, with action. They were:

a) Until you can acknowledge and accept the impact you have had on me, I want no relationship with you. I forced this by, literally, ignoring him - even though I lived with him. I literally would not speak to him. When I moved out, I made it clear that he was NOT to have my mobile phone number or home address - and he doesn't. He is not invited to my graduation, and he would never be invited to a wedding if I ever had one. It is my life, and I control who is in it.

b) You may drink, behave badly, scream, shout, stamp your feet, emotionally blackmail - but you will not physically threaten or abuse me or my mother. If you do, I will do whatever it takes to protect myself and my mother, leave, and call the police. I forced these boundaries, by following it through. It took a good few times for him to actually realise that he could do whatever he wanted, but if he touched me, my mum, or threatened anyone, the police were getting called. He still behaves badly, but he is markedly less likely to do it while I am there.

c) I will be civil to you at important events, such as christmas and birthdays, for the sake of my mother and my mother only.

It might seem immature but it worked for me perfectly. I had to resort to such extreme behaviour on my part, because otherwise my father was the dictator of boundaries, and everything else in the house that I lived in. My mother hated me at first for it, she thought it was a "teenage strop".... but she learned to accept and understand that it was simply what I could do to assert my own rights and boundaries. I had to accept that just because my mother was never going to do it, it didn't mean I couldn't.

I don't know if that helps in any way shape or form... LOL... but just in case, I posted it anyway.....

 

[Seeking_Nirvana]

Well done Lisa!

upstream if he doesn't listen to you then maybe a letter will be affective. That way he can't argue with you are belittle your opinions.

Good luck!
Tammy

 

[ladybug08]

I think writing a letter will only stoke the fire :poke: