Bad episode last night

[Eliza]

I had such a bad anxiety/hyperviligant attack last night. Meaning I am trying to get through today on around 2 and a half hours sleep.

I'm so exhausted and feel like I am on the brink of tears/another panic attack.

If someone could make me feel better, that would be grand! :(

 

[EveHarrington]

Hugs.

 

[shimmerz]

How did you do today? Did you make it through intact? Any idea what the trigger for the anxiety attack was?

 

[Joan]

So sorry...that sucks. Hope you have been nice to yourself today and can get more rest. Sending you positive vibes.

 

[Eliza]

Thanks guys.

I made it through the day. I wasn't overly productive, but I made it through.

I think it was triggered by the fact I was going into Central London last night. And I haven't been in for a while (and last time I went in I was with my T), so I ended up convincing myself there was going to be another attack. And then I got angry at myself because I was so anxious. And then I got anxious about the fact I couldn't get to sleep, and that obviously made sleep even more elusive.

But I managed the day on little-to-no sleep, made it into Central London (there wasn't an attack!), and although I was still on edge, I managed to get significantly more sleep last night than the night before.

I just need to stop winding myself up and convincing myself there's going to be another attack.

The anxious side of my brain is convinced that I "had a feeling" the last attack was going to happen... Which the rational side of my brain knows is nonsense. I know that I didn't "predict" it. Or didn't have a "sixth sense" about it. But I keep thinking, "What if I did? ... I'm having a bad feeling now... What if I'm right?" etc etc etc.

Does that make sense?

Sorry - I hope I'm not babbling too much.

 

[Joan]

Totally understandable and scary!Glad you made it through...kudos to you! and glad you got some rest.

 

[blackemerald1]

No @Eliza you are not babbling. You explained it all quite accurately. I'm glad you got through the day and achieved your goal. I'm really pleased you have had some decent sleep. It's all good stuff. :hug:

 

[Eliza]

Thanks both.

It's so weird what your memory can do.

I am so convinced I had a bad feeling before I went over the bridge, even though rationally I couldn't have known anything was going to happen. But my memory has altered that moment as a moment of anxiety. The same with the attack itself - in my memory it is a red car, even though I know it was grey... Memories are weird.

I don't think it's helping that the anniversary of the attack was a few weeks ago. And the anniversary of the Manchester Attack is getting closer.

The whole of last summer was just a whirl of anxiety, and now summer is approaching again, it's stirring up all of those memories.

 

[blackemerald1]

Anniversaries really do have a big impact though. Some times I can become really symptomatic after a good stretch of time & I find myself bewildered... then it comes back oh! It's that time.
I have found sometimes I can manage it all better if I 'allow' myself time to grieve etc like ok make plan's to have no plans, so I can find my way back & not become endlessly lost in it all for ages...again.

It takes a lot of practice, self discipline & self compassion & then a lot of strength to emotionally & physically drag myself back to now.

Convince myself I am safe & am better than the previous anniversary & far from the trauma. Safe etc.

Sometimes I get it right or nearly right. Sometimes not.
The success's are really worth it. Well better than trying to ignore & then be unprepared for the fall at least.

But it take's a lot of time.
It's what works best for you.:hug: