Relationship Broaching Difficult Subjects With Sufferer?

[lostforgottensoul]

He sounds like he has a personality disorder.

I'd run for the hills.

A personality disorder doesnt cause one to be unfaithful, I have a personality disorder and am the most faithful i know.

Advising to run for the hills as it sounds like a personality disorder rubs me wrong as, to me, its suggesting that those with a personality disorder should be avoided.

@Hojay, I, as well as he, is resonsible for behavior. I wouldnt care as much as his "triggering" as I would my own boundries.

The question to ask, would it help or hinder to know the past? And how can you be surenits over going foward? Have passwords? Have open cell phone?

I dont think you should "run for the hills" but i do think you need to set clear boumdries and wjat you need to start to build trust again.

Sorry this happened! :hug:

 

[Hojay]

@lostforgottensoul thank you! I agree, first off I think the term personality disorder is thrown about a bit lightly. Just because a person was emotionally unavailable in previous relationships doesn't mean there's some pathology going on. I also agree that a PD doesn't automatically make a person a cheater or unfit for relationships.

I hear what you say about keeping my own boundaries. I think what trips me up here is that I can't quite tell if they are being crossed or not. The past, essentially, should be the past. However, as I often feel that he's too ashamed or afraid to tell me the full story, I can't help but wonder if there's something there that is actually a boundary cross for me. As it stands now, I don't know enough to be able to tell whether or not his past behavior is something I can reasonably expect to stop. I hope that makes sense? I'd just like to make my own informed decision. I don't want to have to go as far as getting passwords and open cell phones - something about that rubs me the wrong way. I just want to be able to ask all the questions, as often as I want, without him having a panic attack. I think that would already help.

 

[Raii]

If he has extended abuse from his past it is very possible the idea of having control sexually of someone else feels good. Control in general meets some need for safety. If you control what someone thinks then they can't hurt you. It's a type of negative coping probably learned from the abuse. Not everyone's experiences are the same and neither are their reactions. You can't say his behavior is or isn't derived from his abuse nor that he is trying to cover his actions using his disorder. Follow your gut instinct.