Relationship Broaching Difficult Subjects With Sufferer?

[scout86]

I think the important part in the story you mention is the fact that his now-wife knows

You're right, I think. And, for what it's worth, he never flies off the handle about anything. He's willing to own his behavior. Maybe TOO willing, in a way, but he doesn't get angry very easy. Not only does she know, she's been able to clearly tell him what is and isn't ok with her. He knows she means it and knows what it will cost him if he crosses that line. I'm not SURE he's going to be able to manage for the rest of their lives. I hope so. I think you have to have some kind of understanding like that and if your guy isn't willing to do that, he's probably not ready to be in a relationship.

 

[Hojay]

@Bloomy, that's really interesting what you describe about lying consciously vs. acting with the tools you've been given. My boyfriend kept his abuse secret from everyone, his family, his friends, all the girlfriends in his life. Out of shame and guilt and all of the above. His modus operandi was to lie and stretch the truth to keep himself hidden - it's just all he knew since he was 8 or so years old. I truly admire the fact that he's brave enough now to come out with certain things, and he's safe with me. I also get the fact that a suspicious partner will make you less likely to be honest - because what's the point, right, if they're suspicious anyway? Fact of the matter is though, I'm trying to handle this as adult and fair as possible: have calm discussions about him when I have the feeling something is going on. If he has an episode every time I do, I'm not sure how to approach, and it makes me even more suspicious! I hope that makes sense.

 

[Hojay]

@scout86, yes agree with all of that. We do have an agreement about what is and isn't ok. However, part of rebuilding trust is a certain amount of leeway given by the dishonest party to sooth and deal and listen to the others feelings. He tries, but he gets triggered at some point in the conversation and I'm trying to manage that in a way that is both respectful to him and his past and my need for conversation and assurance. It's braking my brain.

 

[scout86]

There are quite a few supporters who see a therapist of their own. It might help you, if you could find a professional to talk to, who can give you some insight into what might be going on with him as well as ways to communicate. A lot of times, I think words mean different things to different people. I've got to say, you have a great attitude and I hope he realizes he's lucky to have found someone who does!

 

[Bloomy]

Not sure if what you said made sense but my head is also blurry from being sick.

Speaking for myself - I never wanted to behave the way I did. Never ment to lie nor cheat or anything. Ive gone a long way to re learn things. Now keeping my self away from men since its better for all parts.

I hope it works out and I admire your love and your courage to fight for this man.

 

[Hojay]

Thank you @scout86, yes, all roads seem to lead to the great T. I'm more than willing to own my own stuff and I'm sure that's contributing to the problems we're having. I've been in relationships where I have been lied to and cheated on. I'm bending my mind into a pretzel to see this situation as new, but with the PTSD on top it's become quite hard. Thank you for the support, it really means a lot!

 

[Hojay]

Thank you so much @Bloomy, your words really do help. I am fighting for this man because I see his intrinsic worth, as a human being. It's his birth right to have someone love him and believe in him - it's all of ours - and if he's up for the challenge to get through his stuff, so am I (as long as he's honest with me, hence this thread ;) )

Hope you're not feeling too ill and fell better soon!

 

[Sweetpea76]

Here's the thing... Symptoms cannot be helped. Coping mechanisms used to deal with the symptoms are a choice. There is a choice being made to act on feelings.

At some point, he's got to own it.

If he is using PTSD as a reason to use, abuse, cheat on, or otherwise manipulate people, then he is not owning it.

A PTSD sufferer can only function in a relationship if they are healthy enough for one.

 

[EveHarrington]

He sounds like he has a personality disorder.

I'd run for the hills.

You're the first person he's told.

Is he even in individual counseling?

The truth is that thinks are going to get exponentially worse before they get better. It's the nature of PTSD healing.

 

[NicG]

Yes, he has spoken to me about the fact that he had been reinacting perp behavior with other women as a way to manage his symptoms.

I'm late to this thread but I just want to point out this sentence. Maybe I'm not reading it correctly but to me it sounds like he's stringing these women along and playing whatever "games" he's playing with them because it's a coping mechanism. Meaning that his coping mechanism is manipulating other people.
How do you know that you are immune to this manipulation? Our worst qualities, and our crutches that we lean on to help ourselves through our lives, often have the most effect on the people we are closest with. To quote my abuser: "I can't help that I get angry at you, and that I talk to other women. But I only ever take out that anger on the people I'm closest to, so at least you know I love you?"

Sounds like your man is doing some severe mental gymnastics to avoid being responsible for his actions. You can talk about what he deserves as much as you like, but that doesn't change what YOU deserve too.

 

[aut555]

He sounds like he has a personality disorder.

I'd run for the hills.

You're the first person...

Sorry to stand out, but l agree with above, because when you have to try toooo hard then it raises red flags that you are also being led down the path of a emotional con-artist. If you come across shady behavior, you should walk away. Because marriage, then divorce is very expensive. In fact divorce costs more then marriage. So if you do marry, May l suggest a prenup. If you don't marry, then keep a separate account because if you need to break up, it will be much easier. Also find out if your state recognizes common law partners. Some states do like after seven years, then you have to split everything like you were married. So go into this relationship with eyes wide open. Because l married an emotional con-artist, and it has been very costly emotionally, financially.

 

[Hojay]

@Sweetpea76 , @EveHarrington , @NicG , @aut555 - Thank you all for your input! I'm going to have to clarify a few things. He does not and has never used his PTSD as an excuse for cheating or lying. He's maybe used it as an excuse to fly off the handle and isolate (but I'm increasingly seeing that as pretty standard PTSD behavior.) He has expressed to me that his unresolved issues stemming from childhood abuse have caused him to be not quite a standup guy - there's a lot of shame and guilt around that for him. He doesn't say it's okay to have acted that way because he was abused. He just said he's starting to understand why he behaved that way. I think that's pretty understandable. He's taken responsibility for his dodgy behavior in the past, or else he would not be in therapy. I think it's a bit much to assume he has a personality disorder because in the past he has been emotionally unavailable, entering into and sticking around for unbalanced relationships with women who wanted more from him than he was able to give. (I've encountered plenty of men like that, most of whom were not sexually abused. I've also been in relationships with men who post facto were diagnosed with a personality disorder. That was a different beast of a relationship altogether.) The very fact that he is now in individual therapy (twice a week,) was preceded by the realization that he does not want to be that man for himself and for me.

I agree that it's also about what I deserve. In fact, that's all I really care about at this point. Sex, relationships, women are hard for him to discuss. He tries, but he panics. My main concern is understanding where his triggers end and where dishonesty starts - and it's a hard one when these topics are too sticky to discuss at length. Compounded with my own trust issues...cue my thread on this site.

I know I have done some dodgy things in the past with men. I'm not proud of it, I learned from it, therapy helped. Why couldn't it help him?