"but others have it worse"

[ultimatum]

I've been sexually abused for more than 7 years of my life, but it was all online. Was never raped. Just pressured and threatened with the possibility of it actually happening. Despite the fact that what happened to me was extremely dehumanizing and wrong, as I was only 9 when it started up, I still have trouble calling it what it was: abuse.

And in spaces where people are discussing their abuse or rape or what have you, I feel like people would laugh at me for trying to claim what happened to me was bad enough to justify the emotional turmoil it's given me to this day.

Does anyone else experience this shame and uncertainty about their experiences? I feel like many of us with PTSD have impostor syndrome or a fear of not being as """tortured/victimized"""" as the next guy. But it's still hard to feel legitimate and not fear that judgment from people who have experienced more than you.

Thoughts? Anyone relate?

 

[Justmehere]

Others have had it worse, and others have had it better. But at the end of the day, is that helpful to get stuck on?

All kinds of people, with and without the specific clinical condition of PTSD, try to go to great lengths to minimize or justify their suffering... but here is the thing: you are suffering. This kind of self talk in comparing yourself to others won’t get you anywhere.

The more people stop comparing who has had the worse things happen to them and focus on their own stuff, the better.

People have been through much worse trauma than me. People have had it much better than me. At the end of the day, no matter what others are dealing with, I still have to deal with my own stuff. That’s enough.

Try instead to validate that you are struggling, and things can improve.

Give back the shame to whoever threatened to sexually abuse a 9 year old. They are the ones worthy of great shame. Not you.

 

[scout86]

I feel like people would laugh at me for trying to claim what happened to me was bad enough to justify the emotional turmoil it's given me to this day.

If the emotional turmoil is there, then it is. Doesn't matter what it took to create it. The problems/ challenges exist and need to be dealt with. And you DESERVE to have them dealt with. Everyone does, no matter what.

 

[Abstract]

I am sorry that happened to you. You were a small child and exposed to things children should not be exposed to.

The important thing is to not let anything get in the way of your healing. Or anyone. It may be helpful to think of it in terms of apples and oranges and pears and cherries and tomatoes etc. The exact nature of the fruit, how it grew and how it reacts to various situations in the present is different but its still fruit.

Yes. You see it on here a lot and I have to say it was driving me to places that were threatening to my life when I joined here and for long after. I am slightly quieter about this now (read that as "only" moderately tormented with severe peaks rather in hell on a daily basis). I can now sometimes rationally break those feelings down into different components.
1. I have always legitimately been able to see and understand that a, b, c, d, e, f and g were/are different to what I experienced. Logically. I also know we are individuals and many things in context affect how we respond (age, one loving caretaker or past abuse amongst a 1000 other things) but regardless they differ. I am OK with this. Always have been. Generally people seem to rather look at the persons suffering and encourage them to get help with that. Discourage comparisons. Occasionally I do think there is a lack of acceptance/understanding of something if on the other end of the spectrum. Inevitable I guess.
2. A personal desire to have been tougher, more resilient and unaffected by what happened to me and shame that that isn't the case. Pride essentially. Resulting in self disgust.
3. Something based on what I suppose is cognitive dissonance and denial. My previous almost total denial, dissociation and refusal to believe anything harmed me being confronted by the fact that I have PTSD and it has. My brain wants to crack apart. This is not a happy place and the intensity is beyond words. Very scary. As have come out of denial it has improved.
4. The inner critic and abuser who is determined I will not speak about anything should not be discussing it and should not label it in any way attacking me with aggression and relentlessly. Emotionally and even physically.
5. Revulsion that I was vulnerable and harmed. A need to be more powerful than that.
Minimising - still not clear of this or its nature.

The turmoil comes from 3 and 4 with a dollop of 5 and 2. 1 rarely enters into it even though it is there logically in the background. I don't have a problem with 1. 3 and 4 nearly kill me. When in 3 and 4 I am not in a rational place.

Not sure if any of that was useful or not!

Don't compare. All experiences of this nature are something that shouldn't happen. Your distress legitimately means you deserve support, and shouldn't worry about others thoughts on your trauma. Others feelings are their responsibility. Yours is to get help for you.

 

[Teasel]

Does anyone else experience this shame and uncertainty about their experiences?

I've the feeling this is extremely common, minimising our experiences. I've certainly seen lots of posts by people about this over the years and I know I still regularly feel shame and uncertainty about what I've been through.
Also I think it's defo a thing that some people do minimise traumatic experiences generally.

Wondering if the shame and uncertainty is more common in abuse victims rather than say natural disaster victims. I've no idea..

I remember in a workshop I did on sexual abuse they explained that the shame the perpetrator should feel but doesn't gets passed onto us. I can't remember exactly how she explained that but it made sense..

 

[ladee]

There will always be someone to make fun of things they do not understand.. as has been shared with you already, you are in pain. Your life was altered by the things that happened... you are wanting to heal. That is real, and it is true. It is your truth and it matters and your future depends on you getting the help that will help you to heal..

As humans, it takes us a long time to not care what others think... so that is one reason to be around people who do understand, and think and feel the same way you do...then you don't have the risk of being made fun of, because we understand how you feel... and we care how your life was changed.. and we are here for you..Welcome, and I truly hope you stay around, and see what a loving and supportive group of people are here to help... you are not alone.

 

[Ladygdala]

You learned very young that there is a darker world out there. That can be traumatizing to a child to know that at such an age where you rely on adults for guidance and help. Instead, you’re questioning if things are safe. Which creates fear. I, too, have had a hard time recognizing my experiences as traumatic, knowing and reading the stories of people who have had it much worse than I. You aren’t alone on this thought process! Like as others have stated, If it has effected you, then it has effected you. It’s your story and your healing. No one else’s. And that is something I have to keep remembering. I wish you well

 

[Deleted member 541]

Never compare what you’ve been through with what someone else has been through. Your trauma has affected you and has altered your life. We all have our own stories to tell......