Can't Forgive Myself

[Iam]

I seem to have hit a bad spot. I was doing so well for a couple of months. I'm sure the flashback last weekend is part of it and then talking about the details with my T, but I think that just brought on strong emotions.

It's more what I have done. The shame.......I was wrong, even though it's over and nobody even knows.....the shame.....it is so deep, so embedded. God can forgive me, even the person whom I betrayed, if they knew, forgave me, it will never change the fact that I did it. Oh geeze, why would I go against my most fundamental beliefs? How can I ever forgive myself? How can I live with myself? As hard as I work at overcoming.......that shame will never disappear and I will never deserve the love given me.

I will hold on tonight. I see my T tomorrow. I hate PTSD, I hate depression. I hate that I can feel good for awhile, hope beyond hope that it will continue and then slip into depression again so hard, so quickly.

 

[deer_in_headlights]

((((((((((Iam))))))))))))

 

[Jawn]

Hang in there Iam. You will get through this like you have with other stuff. (((Hug)))

Jawn

 

[KP the nut]

(((Iam)))

Hold on my friend. We are with you.

Linking arms, sending strength
KP

 

[Froggie]

Iam, you're going through some hefty stuff and guilt is more than a bummer. Just the fact that you dared and had the courage to tell someone about it is a way to repare. We all understand ... Linking arms ... will burn a candle so that a soothing energy will flow into you today ...

 

[Deleted member 5760]

I will hold on tonight. I see my T tomorrow. I hate PTSD, I hate depression. I hate that I can feel good for awhile, hope beyond hope that it will continue and then slip into depression again so hard, so quickly.

Iam - this is happening to me right now, and has been for weeks. I was diagnosed, and I felt relieved. 'Ahh at last I know what's going on and I can get treatment'. I had no idea of the extent of the battle I was about to face.

And it's hard when you feel like you're backsliding. I wake up some days and I feel like it's gone. Like I'm all better now. But it doesn't last, and lately those 'fleeting moments' of happiness are becoming less and less frequent. One thing I am learning is really to be honest about the state you're in. I think when I was diagnosed a lot of people looked at me and thought 'she's got everything going for her, she'll be right'. I feel like the bar was set too high. Now when I don't make it it drums in a feeling of having let myself down (and everyone who said I was doing well).

I guess what I'm saying in a long winded way is - set reasonable expectations for yourself I suppose. It's ok to backslide. It's a huge battle you're facing and it's ok to wave the white flag at times and admit you're not doing so well. It will happen and it's incredibly disheartening when it does for me. But at least you're being honest about it. I think if you don't admit when you're struggling you'll miss out on valuable help. So good on you. I can relate and I'm really admiring your honesty and your ability to admit when you're not so well and need a hand. Thoughts are with you.

 

[anni]

Iam, I'm so sorry. I know you're working terribly hard, were doing better and then this. Guilt/shame- gosh so much too much since I think we tend to see ourselves through this across the board. It's so hard to overcome. Someone ( dislike mentioning other members in posts if I don't ask them first ) made me remember John Bradshaw's book 'Healing the Shame that Binds Us'. I downloaded it on the Kindle just last night-lost my other copy. I don't agree with all of his summations, but many of his theories on what he calls toxic shame really hit home. I was first given it by my T, quite literally the first time I met with him. He listened to me for the hour, walked over to the bookshelf and said ' You may keep this, we'll be talking about some of this when you can.'

You're T will tell you this, but you know no matter what you deserve love just by virtue of being born here on the planet. That's the starting point, not the shame.

Hugs-peace to you, Iam.

 

[Jade-]

Iam, I have so much shame and so many regrets. There are things I don't think I will ever forgive myself for. I won't go into detail, but a little girl died when I was about 9 and I felt partially responsible. I have been carrying the shame and guilt with me all of these years. I have been beating myself up for it and have hated myself for it.

I can't change what happened, no matter how many times I replay it in my head. No matter how much regret and shame I have, it's not going to ever change it or bring her back. But I do think it's time I accept that I made a mistake, what I did was wrong and I'm sorry for it. I think I have punished myself long enough.

If I think about the actual facts and leave out my own feelings and perceptions, I can see things differently. Maybe it would help you to do the same. What are the actual facts....what lead up to it, what state of mind were you in, were you intentionally seeking to hurt someone, if it were anyone else besides you, would you forgive....look at it from every possible angle, not just what you have convinced yourself of.

And even if it was intentional, we're all human, we all make mistakes.

Hope that helps some....

 

[BloomInWinter]

(((((((Iam)))))))))

Sending wishes for comfort, support, and remembrance that you were doing the best you could at the time with the life skills you had.

We've all been there.

(((((((Jadebear))))))))...we have some very similar experiences & guilt. Sending you healing wishes, too...

 

[curiouser]

((((Iam)))) I don't think you've backslid, sounds to me like you're moving ahead and dealing with your issues. Maybe each time we take on another emotional part of our lives, we feel those emotions very strong again, and that can cause us to experience pain, depression, guilt, shame, anger, all over again. I don't think this means your back to the beginning, I think it means your at the next level. When you work through this next part and find some healing, then you will most likely feel better again. Try to remember that working through all of this is a process, and there may be many times where you will feel better and then feel worse again, but at some point, as more and more things get resolved, you should have more better days than worse ones.

You're right, what happened is in the past, and you can't change it no matter what you do now. So why not grow from what happened and move forward, instead of choosing to keep yourself stuck in self blame and guilt?

What will you really accomplish if you continue punishing yourself ?

If others can forgive you, and you can forgive others, then love yourself enough to forgive yourself. Please allow yourself the right to be human, imperfect, and able to make mistakes, but also able to accept mistakes, learn from them, and forgive others and yourself.

Not sure if it will be helpful at all, but a post from my old blog
[DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/guilt-vs-regret-and-forgiving-yourself.13652/[/DLMURL]

I hope you have a good session with your T, and feel better soon. Thinking of you, and sending good thoughts.

 

[Heather]

Lam - I think shame is the hardest part of all of this. It's what makes me hide under the covers and want to disappear from the world.

I think you need to be kind to yourself and work on forgiving yourself. Easier said than done, all of this stuff is. Hang in there. Much love and Hugs. Heather

 

[intothelight]

Hi Lauren,

There is so much I wish I could say, but I seem to be short of words right now. Sometimes the only thing I know to do is pretend it is someone else and ask myself how I would feel about them, or what I would tell them. Then I remind myself, I deserve no less.

Its tough, but you are doing an amazing job of moving forward. Sometimes it is hard to see how far we have come, when we are in the valley.

(((hugs)))

Deb