whiteraven
MyPTSD Pro
The last couple of weeks have been bad. Lots of "little" stressors, but I don't experience them as little; each has involved something very important and central to my daily life, and they have built up to the point of extreme overwhelm at this point. I don't want to do this anymore. Anything. I just want to be gone.
I've had a birdfeeder (pole and feeders) in my backyard for a couple of years now, and I get immense pleasure (and peace) out of knowing I can do something for the birds (and other critters that visit) and watching and photographing them. The ground underneath the feeder was all torn up (wasn't sure why, but the pole got higher and harder to reach over time), so I decided to move it over a bit and put down fresh dirt.
I have arthritis in both hands and had surgery on the left about a month ago, so my hands are not very strong. It's taken me a long while, but I finally hired someone locally (a young guy, just trying to get his business going) to come and take care of it. He came. Took him an hour to take it apart and down, and in the process, he lost a screw (didn't remember what he does with it). I was livid, because I was going to have to go out and get another screw and finish it all myself. This kid got snippy with me, saying I was mad over a mistake, a silly .36 screw. I actually did not express my anger AT ALL except to pay him and ask him to leave.
I can't put it up myself. I hate not having it up. I miss the birds. My cats miss the birds.
This is after a number of other serious stressors this week. I edit a newsletter for a non-profit, and I'm not getting the support or the answers I need to finish it. Everytime I send an email with questions to my co-editor (in name only), she replies the next day with "is it finished yet?" Now, it's due tomorrow, and she hasn't emailed or texted me in two days. If I thought she was being deliberately difficult, I'd say she would meet the definition of gaslighting perfectly. I'm thinking this is "unconscious gaslighting." I've been trying to stick around in this group; I really don't want to leave, but I can't handle being treated with such disregard and dismissiveness.
I have to deliver the sermon next week (lay leader, only not really), I have an event I have to work at tomorrow all day, I'm in a lot of pain after working to prep for that event today, and I've started having headaches again.
Sorry. I just feel so alone and with no support.
I've had a birdfeeder (pole and feeders) in my backyard for a couple of years now, and I get immense pleasure (and peace) out of knowing I can do something for the birds (and other critters that visit) and watching and photographing them. The ground underneath the feeder was all torn up (wasn't sure why, but the pole got higher and harder to reach over time), so I decided to move it over a bit and put down fresh dirt.
I have arthritis in both hands and had surgery on the left about a month ago, so my hands are not very strong. It's taken me a long while, but I finally hired someone locally (a young guy, just trying to get his business going) to come and take care of it. He came. Took him an hour to take it apart and down, and in the process, he lost a screw (didn't remember what he does with it). I was livid, because I was going to have to go out and get another screw and finish it all myself. This kid got snippy with me, saying I was mad over a mistake, a silly .36 screw. I actually did not express my anger AT ALL except to pay him and ask him to leave.
I can't put it up myself. I hate not having it up. I miss the birds. My cats miss the birds.
This is after a number of other serious stressors this week. I edit a newsletter for a non-profit, and I'm not getting the support or the answers I need to finish it. Everytime I send an email with questions to my co-editor (in name only), she replies the next day with "is it finished yet?" Now, it's due tomorrow, and she hasn't emailed or texted me in two days. If I thought she was being deliberately difficult, I'd say she would meet the definition of gaslighting perfectly. I'm thinking this is "unconscious gaslighting." I've been trying to stick around in this group; I really don't want to leave, but I can't handle being treated with such disregard and dismissiveness.
I have to deliver the sermon next week (lay leader, only not really), I have an event I have to work at tomorrow all day, I'm in a lot of pain after working to prep for that event today, and I've started having headaches again.
Sorry. I just feel so alone and with no support.