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Rani G2

MyPTSD Pro
Thank you RussellSue and ms Spock..

Im on ˋnot active’ because I have to discipline myself not to hang around in the Internet for too long..
Enjoy your weekends!

It’s the same with sweets and other stuff I’m addicted to.. I must take radical steps ;-)
 

RussellSue

Not Active
began to live in boarding schools when I was 9 and Nuns were able to live their passive aggressiveness while punishing kids, plus my second caregiver being Bipolar things were fun as well..
Geez. I am sorry. I went through a lot growing up but never hit foster homes or boarding schools -- both really scared me. I can't remember hearing anything good about either.

The boyfriend my mother had when I got kicked out had untreated bipolar. This had a lot to do with me being kicked out. I couldn't act right -- the expectations changed from moment to moment, very unexpectedly.

Is your marriage good, then? I assume it is. You seem to be doing very well.
From what you’ve written so far you seem to have that willingness.. can you send me a portion of that?
Honestly, I think I had a major advantage: I was born with problems eating and breathing and when it came time to talk, hear, and walk, I had big issues there, too. As such, there was a lot of hard work in my early years that most kids don't have. I learned that working against nature was part of my life. When it finally became clear that I had major symptoms of mental illness, I was already well-prepared. Though, I still had some from-birth physical issues to manage, too.

I was employed through the worst of my PTSD, but usually part-time because I could not do much more and my anxiety was horrid even then. The jobs were also mostly garbage jobs. I worked in food service for about 3.5 years and I was waiting tables when I finally got to start college in earnest. I don't know anything about how people pay for school outside of America, but here one must be over 23 to be an "independent student" and eligible to apply for loans without a parental signature, which I could not get. I had spent some time in junior college, paying on my own while renting a room, but I couldn't afford it, so I dropped out when I was 20ish.

I wanted to go to college because one of my adventures as a homeless teen was that I wound up in Los Angeles County, California and my dad sent me to a private school for a little while. I ended up getting a full scholarship to that school after I ran away from my dad's house. The kids around me had educated parents -- something I don't have. I found that the kids also had much better lives, in large part because their single mothers were not working 60 hours a week like my mom had. I was an excellent student and so, college seemed like a good idea, especially considering the wonder of my surroundings in California.

I made a false-start at school when I was 26-27, but started back for reals when I was 28 while I was still a waitress. My employers were a nightmare and I was not doing well at my job and eventually I quit and just went to school, realizing that I needed a healthier work environment. I was in school full-time for 8 years while collecting disability payments. I looked for local work in that tiny township but didn't find any. I was still in grad school when I married my husband. I ended with a 4-year Cultural Studies degree with a communications concentration, a master's degree in writing and management information systems, half of a second master's in English, and a few vocational certificates in things like TEFL, editing and grant writing. I finished about 3 years ago.

I lost my disabled status while working after I finished school, just in time for my hip joints to unexpectedly have major problems, and then I was a covid layoff, all of 3 months after finding out about my hips. Now, my husband is working his ass off while I try to figure my next employment situation out. The hip situation changed my plans because my pain has mingled with my anxiety/PTSD enough to effectively put my plans to work in the public on indefinite hold. I am planning to tutor academic writing and ESL from home, but I won't be looking for work again in earnest until next month, as I am finishing a class and some independent refreshing of information, doing a bunch of EMDR, and am hoping to get in a few hours as a virtual volunteer instructor before I start getting on camera with employers. This has been rough because I have a lot of camera anxiety.

In addition to the other motivators I mentioned to push me toward education, I had Joshua -- my fiance who died when I was 31 (9.5 years ago). He was quite disabled from mental illness/diabetes. He pushed me very hard to attend school while he was dying from complications of untreated diabetes. I consider his situation slow suicide, brought on by small-town stigma. I was 2 years into college when he died, but he had insisted that I go as long as I could, saying he didn't want me to live as he had been forced to and that I was capable of educating myself out of the situation I was in. It was too late for him on a number of levels by the time we met.

So, as you may be able to see, I had ample motivation to get an education. For me, longer was better because I still have a lot working against me with my health/physical issues being what they are and I have a lot more options from here than I would have if I had stopped earlier. I don't like not working and I hope to get back to work very soon.

I do not consider my willingness to work at things a matter of inborn virtue. It's really got more to do with having skills of assessment and being willing to put them to use without letting my emotions get the better of me. I made practical decisions based on difficult circumstances and an awareness that I would not be able to sustain myself in the long-run as restaurant staff. I don't have the temperament or the physical ability. I had a problem that needed a solution.

Ultimately, however, it was a pastor and wife restaurant-owing team who convinced me fully that I deserved a better life than to be trying to be social every hour of my life and failing at it. That waitress job and the situation surrounding it was the last thing I needed to make a huge change.

So, that's probably plenty more than you were expecting, but it's still a bare-bones summary and missing a lot. The moral of the story is that for me, motivation came from many directions, but being sick and tired got me moving.

Are you trying to get yourself motivated toward making a change? Is that why you were asking?

You did them anyway.. woooh :-) thats toughness
I really do hate lunges but I have found that they are one of the best exercises I can do for my hips, so I drag my ass into doing them. Now that I can do that, all I need is a better attitude. 😆

Hope your Hike was good yesterday ?
Friday was hard. Yesterday was much better. Thank you!



That's why I didn't answer over the weekend. I knew I would write a novel.

Anyway, I hope your evening is good. Take care of yourself. 🐳
 

Rani G2

MyPTSD Pro
motivation came from many directions, but being sick and tired got me moving.
Hear you and Do understand. Much respect ! I will get back when I get more sleep 😴
Thanks for sharing RussellSue.. words come sparingly due to 11 Hrs at work yesterday, non stop. Today it’s been 7. With 3 hrs sleep yesterday.. I’m dancing in the sky.

Wishing you a good week!
 

Rani G2

MyPTSD Pro
need a Robot to keep me company. Like Hal from the film 2001.
Well.. was hoping for A.I like in Ex machina.
Did you get all your supplies?
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Tired, it’s been 11 hrs non stop and today 7 hrs.. got the Yoga atleast done but I still don’t get enough zzzsleeeeep.
 

Rani G2

MyPTSD Pro
Today it’s been 9 hrs with a 2 1/2 hr webinar about emergency management (Want to go to a sleep lab, at days I sleep less than 5 hrs, I’m tired but I also have days where it doesn’t bother me that much) Familial short sleep Syndrom probably. But I also need to chill
 
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