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Rani G2

MyPTSD Pro
I don’t Do the emotionality well.. if people want to talk about their feelings.. yes I can get involved.. but I have this tendency to be too rational.. ( Protective mode, or whatever)

Absolutely hate the word vulnerability.. what’s that? Urghhh
 

RussellSue

Not Active
I don’t Do the emotionality well.. if people want to talk about their feelings.. yes I can get involved.. but I have this tendency to be too rational.. ( Protective mode, or whatever)

Absolutely hate the word vulnerability.. what’s that? Urghhh
Everyone is different. It's great that you are able to go to a job -- a job I cannot imagine having, of course, in large part because I am too emotional. I wish I could shut mine off, but no off button exists that I can tell. So, I have to have a buffer around me at all times which severely limits what I can do in a day.
 
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Rani G2

MyPTSD Pro
in large part because I am too emotional.
We could also say you have a good amount of emotional integrity, the hyper awareness of the other and me is definitely not easy to tackle with.. getting sucked into other people’s vibrancy! Maybe I have an idealized version of inner quality when people are more in touch with how they and the other feels.. but this all very indistinct.. because we all have our history.. yes!
In my case I can draw the boarders quickly.. but I don’t have friends! That’s the price I’m paying 🤪
 

Rani G2

MyPTSD Pro
With all this Blah.. I’m saying that I’m lonely (Absolutely hate saying this, because again.. vulnerability.. nada)

Never had a true friend, all I do is just do my work, sport and read Books..
Need more interaction with others.
 

RussellSue

Not Active
I don’t have friends!
Oh, I hope you didn't think I did. 😂 I only have one real-life friend and my husband.
I had to be taught to create boundaries as an adult and now they are very firm and I don't let myself around people long enough to connect, anymore. I used to go out and attract people who needed me (or what I had) desperately and it took a nasty toll on me. My husband is more apt to isolate than I am and being new to this area, we hardly see anyone, anymore.
It's hard not having friends. I had many in high school or so I thought but I also had PTSD and they were much better off than I was in many ways as I was on a scholarship to that private school. I lost every one of them when I became an adult and had an obvious anxiety problem. That was devastating.

It's hard to trust people. I certainly don't suggest it at this point. It's dangerous.

I think it's good that you are careful, but I also think that it is good that you are trying to get through some of this by learning about empathy and whatnot. Something in your story says you need to be self-reliant and never vulnerable -- those aren't bad traits. The world has not, unfortunately, changed and danger remains. I've taken a lot to self-care, lately, self-praise, self-this, self-that, just trying to be ready when the time comes that another person shows up in my space.

You live in a city @Rani G2, right?
 

Rani G2

MyPTSD Pro
used to go out and attract people who needed me (o
If you’ve got the nerves, can you explain this further to me?



Oh, I hope you didn't think I did.
Oh then I misinterpreted.. must’ve read you with my biased filter on. It’s never easy to evaluate people (Whatever that means) but you Do come across as someone who is more accessible— That doesn’t mean one has close friends..(Defining closeness, how well we relate to the other, and they to us.. and so on)
don't let myself around people long enough to connect, anymore
Can relate to this.. have been running around with protective skin and it’s hard for me to let anyone in.. the impacts connections make are hard for me to digest, or I might feel I need the energy saved up for other things.

lost every one of them when I became an adult and had an obvious anxiety problem. That was devastating.
Thats painful, I’m sorry you experienced that. Without being intrusive, why do you think people dropped out? If you can describe?

Something in your story says you need to be self-reliant and never vulnerable -- those are good traits. The world has not, unfortunately,
Yes, maybe it belongs to this attachment style of being dismissive/avoident. In many ways, preferring to keep my holy space, finding it hard to share personal stories/feelings.. it takes a very very long time until I do so. I’m having this inner rebellion to never ever ever wanting to take up a certain mindset just so that I can belong to a group. I’ve left group therapies, and I also had conflicts with colleagues because they had this opinion about how things should be, and that ended nasty as well.. nasty for me because I got fired. Not a fan of groups and teamwork also because I don’t talk a lot and I don’t do smalltalk and smiling well.. that’s a problem too. People like to share, talk and the easy-to-Get-along-thing. If I don’t want to pretend I won’t.. that’s not always smart.

Too much about myself now here..

self-praise, self-this, self-that, just trying to be ready when the time comes that another person shows up in my space.
Have to smile reading this..

Yes Im from the City @RussellSue..
Are you drinking enough later for the Hike?
 

ms spock

Sponsor
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RussellSue

Not Active
Thats painful, I’m sorry you experienced that. Without being intrusive, why do you think people dropped out? If you can describe?
Thank you. I was very high-maintenance as I entered adulthood. My mother stopped parenting when I was about 10 and kicked me out at 12. Between that and a whole lot of other trauma, I was not ready to adult, and I very insecure, clingy, needy, extremely anxious, paranoid, etc. My friends also went off to college but I wasn't able to go yet.

Plus, I couldn't drink and all of my friends did. I stopped drinking very young because it was a very bad road for me. In the end, we didn't relate to each other once adulthood started. I got therapy while they were getting degrees and we lost contact pretty quickly.

I don’t talk a lot and I don’t do smalltalk and smiling well
I'm not good in groups, either. And I relate to the smiling and smalltalk thing -- I have no idea what to say to people and I refuse to discuss hair, eyelashes, weather --anything obvious that would a great smalltalk subject.

I am sorry you lost jobs over this. It's unfortunate that everyone is expected to mingle well, in my opinion. I resent it. Were I in a wheelchair, I'd be allowed to be unable to walk. Mental illness? Appear mentally healthy -- that's how you maintain employment. It is not quite right.

I had a lot of problems in college when my academic standing meant I was a good candidate for leadership, but as it turned out, I did not/do not have the temperament to lead a group. I have plenty of patience for people's struggles, but I'm missing something. I have been accused of expecting the whole world to be "as smart" as I am, and I suppose there's something to that if only because I don't recognize myself as being particularly bright, and so when other people don't get near to my standards but appear proud of their work, I think they are being arrogant and lazy. I also struggle with self-esteem and perfectionism, so seeing people get excited about sub-par work makes me a tad jealous and annoyed at the same time.

I attribute that to an observation made by Courtney Love: "Us homely girls have to try a little harder." I don't realize that the effects of being born with a cleft lip have followed my every move in life -- making me work hard, all the time, and not realize that it is over the top and that others often don't feel this level of effort is necessary.

On the other hand, if you give me a student or someone with an intellectual disability to work with, I do great. I have tutored kids with learning disabilities, writers for whom English was a second language, and lived with a blind man (boyfriend) for 4.5 years and I am not an abusive jerk. I often do not, however, relate to the struggles of being "normal" very well.

Are you drinking enough later for the Hike?
Oh dear. I don't think I have. I better get on it quick-like. Thank you! You have helped my hike again.

Also interested in knowing what kind of a dynamic happens when people enter your spheres. Are we also talking about energy thieves? They suck.. they literally do
I do attract those people, yes. Lots of them.

It's hard to say what would happen, now. My husband and I have been married for 6 years and we have moved a lot in the last 18 months or so, away from everyone we know -- namely, his family and people he'd known since he was a kid. We are both very guarded, but where we lived before we started moving we had certain public requirements, I guess. He was our newspaper editor, so he had to interact a lot, and I was forced into it, too. It was hell. I'm so glad we moved. 😂
I tried, but that was not a good environment for me, anyway. People were nosey and I am very private. What they could not find out about me, they'd make up. It was very hard to manage.

It's better to be in the city for me, in a lot of ways. Though it's hard to start relationships in the city. People are moving too fast.
Just to make it clear, meaning in a positive/healthy way..
Haha! Thank you. I was going to accuse you of calling me a slut, but I won't now. 😂

Honestly, I really like people. I shouldn't. People are shitheads, but I do like them. I think I can interact well enough online because it is safer for me than in real life. I write a lot, though, and people don't always want to read all of that. I accept that I am wordy, but I usually do have a lot to say, whether it be useful or not.

I do have a lot of empathy for people and what they go through. It feels very much like I should have shut down that part of me for survival's sake, but it just never shut down and it has nearly killed me in the past, just because other people's stresses can really overwhelm me. Now that I am pretty isolated, it is less of an issue. But it was a very big deal, once upon a time.

Are you going to do any lunges, then? I hate them. They are hard for me. I did them, but I didn't want to.

How is work going, btw? I know you were struggling quite a lot about a month ago. It must be hard right now.
 
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