When I was growing up, both of my parents were loving, yet incredibly inconsistent and at times explosive. Especially during the very early years through elementary school. They never really spanked us except a couple of swats which I thought were unfair because they were out of anger or done in a heinous way.
My dad had spanked me for not doing the dishes when I had in fact done the chore. And demanded that he spank me again to 'take it back.' Like that was cute and f*cking funny. Then on a road trip he pulled over because we were getting on his nerves and wanted to pull down our pants and spank us on the highway while cars drove by. We wouldn't get out and my mom was frustrated. She let him hit us but did not make us get out of the car. He also tried to make us count. I remember feeling gross the way he slapped our legs and counted. He moved between us as if to make us part of the same spanking giving us each one before doing the next kid. They didn't hurt but were very embarrassing. And I really remember the physicality and feeling very gross having my butt/legs touched or enduring a humiliating highway spanking.
However, that was not the one that I think gave me the ptsd I have today. The inconsistency and ridiculous lack of logic on my parents' part led them to allow a grown man who they didn't know personally, to babysit us. He had been recommended by their friend as some poor little bitch who could've used the work.(also they told our babysitters that they were not allowed to spank us and only this sick f*ck did it) A grown f*cking man who you don't know. To babysit.
And he took advantage. He babysat a couple times before I got the nerve to tell on him and I'm thankful my parents took my plea seriously because otherwise he would have been able to continue his insidious child molestation saga. I am however dissatisfied with the fact that they didn't check me for bruises or think to connect the dots when I started beating my stuffed animals in a manner that they had never done.
One of the times he babysat he had handed me a cup of water. I reached for it and did not quite grab it, letting the cup fall and the water make a mess. Obviously it was an accident. But he said, and I'm convinced it was sexual for him because of his tone of voice, "That's too bad. I'm going to have to spank you now." I argued with him knowing that a spanking was not in order for something like that but he was an adult and he coerced me to cooperate. He told me to go outside with him and he sat down on a couch we had out there on the back porch. He said "Lay over my lap." And I was confused because I had never been spanked like that before so I did what I thought he was asking but didn't do it right. He asked me to reposition myself and I did. Then with almost no warning the first smack. It hurt so badly that I started screaming and crying at the first one. I almost wonder if he took a paddle with him and I didn't see it. Imagine something so painful you cry on the first strike. But he kept spanking and spanking and didn't stop, at this steady rhythm for several minutes. I was bawling and screaming and at one point cried out "Are you almost done?!" and he said "Not yet." and continued to spank me until he felt he was done. I do not remember the rest of the evening but I was never the same again.
My mom once caught me spanking my stuffed animal the way the man spanked me and she angrily shouted "We don't do that in this house." Wow. If we don't spank then where did I learn that on my stuffed animal????? Years later I took them to therapy over it to tell them the whole story and they diminished my pain by telling me how they were spanked as a child. SMH.
I quickly developed a serious spanking fetish after what he did and as a 30 year old woman it is still with me. When spanking or childhoods are discussed in my romantic relationships I feel very confusing things. Sometimes I want my boyfriends to spank me and others I want to be able to tell them my trauma. But I don't want them to know that that is where it comes from. I'm mortified. When spankings or childhoods are discussed in my romantic relationships I tense up. I can't breathe. I want to cry and simultaneously feel sexual tingling and want to masturbate or have sex to alleviate the feelings. Then I perseverate on it for days. When I listen to them share their voices don't get shaky like mine. They just continue and then when the subject is dropped they seem fine. I pretend like I'm not reacting so that they don't see how badly it is affecting me. I put a lot of energy into pretending like I'm okay. The only circumstances in which I have spanked have been exploitative at best. Severely abusive at worst. And some people think that it is harmless.
My dad had spanked me for not doing the dishes when I had in fact done the chore. And demanded that he spank me again to 'take it back.' Like that was cute and f*cking funny. Then on a road trip he pulled over because we were getting on his nerves and wanted to pull down our pants and spank us on the highway while cars drove by. We wouldn't get out and my mom was frustrated. She let him hit us but did not make us get out of the car. He also tried to make us count. I remember feeling gross the way he slapped our legs and counted. He moved between us as if to make us part of the same spanking giving us each one before doing the next kid. They didn't hurt but were very embarrassing. And I really remember the physicality and feeling very gross having my butt/legs touched or enduring a humiliating highway spanking.
However, that was not the one that I think gave me the ptsd I have today. The inconsistency and ridiculous lack of logic on my parents' part led them to allow a grown man who they didn't know personally, to babysit us. He had been recommended by their friend as some poor little bitch who could've used the work.(also they told our babysitters that they were not allowed to spank us and only this sick f*ck did it) A grown f*cking man who you don't know. To babysit.
And he took advantage. He babysat a couple times before I got the nerve to tell on him and I'm thankful my parents took my plea seriously because otherwise he would have been able to continue his insidious child molestation saga. I am however dissatisfied with the fact that they didn't check me for bruises or think to connect the dots when I started beating my stuffed animals in a manner that they had never done.
One of the times he babysat he had handed me a cup of water. I reached for it and did not quite grab it, letting the cup fall and the water make a mess. Obviously it was an accident. But he said, and I'm convinced it was sexual for him because of his tone of voice, "That's too bad. I'm going to have to spank you now." I argued with him knowing that a spanking was not in order for something like that but he was an adult and he coerced me to cooperate. He told me to go outside with him and he sat down on a couch we had out there on the back porch. He said "Lay over my lap." And I was confused because I had never been spanked like that before so I did what I thought he was asking but didn't do it right. He asked me to reposition myself and I did. Then with almost no warning the first smack. It hurt so badly that I started screaming and crying at the first one. I almost wonder if he took a paddle with him and I didn't see it. Imagine something so painful you cry on the first strike. But he kept spanking and spanking and didn't stop, at this steady rhythm for several minutes. I was bawling and screaming and at one point cried out "Are you almost done?!" and he said "Not yet." and continued to spank me until he felt he was done. I do not remember the rest of the evening but I was never the same again.
My mom once caught me spanking my stuffed animal the way the man spanked me and she angrily shouted "We don't do that in this house." Wow. If we don't spank then where did I learn that on my stuffed animal????? Years later I took them to therapy over it to tell them the whole story and they diminished my pain by telling me how they were spanked as a child. SMH.
I quickly developed a serious spanking fetish after what he did and as a 30 year old woman it is still with me. When spanking or childhoods are discussed in my romantic relationships I feel very confusing things. Sometimes I want my boyfriends to spank me and others I want to be able to tell them my trauma. But I don't want them to know that that is where it comes from. I'm mortified. When spankings or childhoods are discussed in my romantic relationships I tense up. I can't breathe. I want to cry and simultaneously feel sexual tingling and want to masturbate or have sex to alleviate the feelings. Then I perseverate on it for days. When I listen to them share their voices don't get shaky like mine. They just continue and then when the subject is dropped they seem fine. I pretend like I'm not reacting so that they don't see how badly it is affecting me. I put a lot of energy into pretending like I'm okay. The only circumstances in which I have spanked have been exploitative at best. Severely abusive at worst. And some people think that it is harmless.
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