Relationship Communication Problems

[Sweetpea76]

"have your little rantie tanties on some other c*nts time".

Do they teach them that crap in the military? I've hear something similar about getting the sand out of my vagina... @Sighs, this is why I break plates against the back of my shed. I may or may not tell him what I think of him while I do it too (out of earshot, of course). Immature? Yes indeedy. Does it make me feel better? Oh yeah. Nothing like having a shot (the Tequila's in the shed too), lighting a smoke and cussing him back while breaking a few plates in solitude. It helps me get it all out and settle down so I don't demonstrate how he can remove the sand from his vagina.

 

[Sighs]

oh - and don't forget the internal inconsistencies as well - for example if I'm helping him with a task - say we're repairing a fence - I've learnt that I need to verbally acknowledge his instructions. So if he says "pull that wire towards the post" I've got to say "yep" not just do it. I get that he is used to that form of communication from his military days and that it does make the task easier if both sides know what instructions have been heard and understood.

BUT... the other day I was doing exactly that with a series of rapid fire instructions involving switching a motor on and off. I'm calling out "yep" every time he tells me to turn it on or off - especially important I think due to the noise of the motor and I'm mentally patting myself on the back for remembering and doing so well when he yells out "Stop gobbing off and just f*cking do it". I say "but you told me to always answer you?" and he replies "why do you always have to push back and f*cking argue? can't you just for once f*cking do what you're told when you're told?"

I honestly don't understand why he was ever interested in me and pursued a relationship with me when he clearly thinks I am about as useful as tits on a bull... sigh!

 

[Sweetpea76]

:mad: AND then get the lecture about how you are argumentative and stressing him out. :banghead: I can't offer much advice girl, I can just commiserate.

 

[Larksong]

@Sighs I can't offer much new insight either, but I'm definitely commiserating. (And @Sweetpea76 I love that image of you breaking plates on the back of the shed!) The insights offered by the "sufferers" above is probably the best there is, and it reinforces for me that when someone with PTSD is stressed, they simply can't process complex language; it sounds like to them it becomes screeching white noise. That's helpful to know. But it has been really hard for me to get my head around it, since I'm very verbally playful and imaginative, and I hate to think of second-guessing myself so that I don't tip over his stress cup. I've also been on the receiving end of some mean language and having my words taken completely out of context by my guy when he was stressed, who normally would love it when I was teasing and playful. I guess the only thing we can do is our best: If we think they're feeling stressed, keep things short, literal, and to the point. And if we don't get it right and they still fly off the handle, remove ourselves from the argument as not being worth the effort to engage with. Sending you good thoughts and hugs! :hug:

 

[anonymous]

@darrenS,

You act like I said "abuse is about compromise" when I said no such thing.

What's so wrong about backing off when you know someone is stressed? This guy is NOT your typical abusive asshole. He is a PTSD sufferer who's stress cup is overflowing. If someone had that attitude toward me, that they'd keep pushing my buttons AFTER I ASKED THEM NOT TO, then they'd be G-O-N-E....gone.

I really get sick of the "its all abuse" attitude here on the forum. Let's run with it and just say all PTSD people are abusive when their stress cups overflow, and run down that bunny trail to the point where sufferers don't deserve relationships at all. *rolls eyes*

 

[darrenS]

@anonymous in no way did i insinuate abuse is about compromise or misread your post , i am simply saying when our cup overflows , do we always act reasonably and rationally ?- in the majority of cases No (unless of course we are truly getting a handle on it)....and in the case that we are discussing it was obvious from the tone and frustration expressed from the supporter , that the best thing to do is walk away until it calms. I said nothing about not deserving relationships , i simply stated that when someone is becoming abusive , its only thing the supporter can do is set boundaries to protect themselves. - i didn't say leave and i didn't suggest they follow the bunny trail as you call it

I think your bunny trail needs a bit of work because there was nothing in my post or the supporters about pushing buttons and what not - dispensing a person who does not respect boundaries is far different from one who has not had them set on them for the good of all

 

[Sighs]

@anonymous - I hear what you're saying and I've been pleasantly surprised that (so far) no-one has replied to the this thread saying "He is an abusive jerk and you should leave him." I was half expecting that.

Clearly, I don't believe he is an abusive jerk. As @FridayJones said somewhere - he's just vomiting up his internal stress. Its just that vomit is acidic and it burns when you end up covered in it day after day. This is the only place I have to vent about it because if I told my friends and family I'm sure I would get the "that's awful - he's an a*sehole - you should leave him" speech.

Clearly I could have handled it better, but I'm only human too, with my own issues, baggage, sore points etc and when I'm operating on little sleep and feeling stressed I'm not always going to be able to tiptoe around his minefields.

Having said that, the way I interpreted what @darrenS was saying was that while the PTSD sufferer is in the middle of a vomit there is no ability to compromise. The only thing you can do is disengage and wait for them to calm down. Because the more you tolerate and engage and participate in the "meltdown" the more extreme the behaviour will become.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I really get sick of the "its all abuse" attitude here on the forum. Let's run with it and just say all PTSD people are abusive when their stress cups overflow, and run down that bunny trail to the point where sufferers don't deserve relationships at all. *rolls eyes*

I'm sorry, but when somebody cusses you and calls you names *when you don't deserve it* even if they are stressed, it's pretty shitty and upsetting. The supporters come here, to the supporter threads, to talk about it so we can deal with it. We know our sufferers have PTSD, believe us, we know. That's why we are here, on the supporter threads, to discuss this with people who understand what we are going through. We know all about the stress cups. It doesn't make getting called names and told you are stupid feel any better. Saying "oh it's just the stress cup" is all good in theory, but after getting lashed out at the fiftieth time or so we get upset and need to vent a little. Our emotions are valid as well, even though we are "healthy."

Don't read the supporter boards if it upsets you to hear that supporters get hurt when their sufferers lash out at them. I hate to break it to you, but we do. We may understand why they do it, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. If we didn't think our sufferers deserved to be loved and in relationships, why would we stick around?

 

[Sighs]

We know our sufferers have PTSD, believe us, we know.

@Sweetpea76 - :hug::hug::hug: Well said girlfriend!

My head understands it but it bruises my heart every time it happens - a little of that bruise for my hurt feelings and a little of that bruise for him - that a man I love so much is so damaged by what has happened to him that he can't even manage day to day life. @anonymous - don't underestimate the compassion we have for our sufferers.

 

[Wastinglight]

saying that I can't seem to ever give a straight answer. He told me he hates these circular conversations and he's got to the stage that he doesn't even want to start a conversation with me because of it. He said I am getting worse and I wasn't like that when he met me. WTF? Again - surely my answer is not hard to understand???

I totally get where you're coming from @Sighs. I had this problem with my ex - and this was before his PTSD even. This was one of very many problems with our relationship, but I believe it was an habit that further eroded my (already low) self esteem, and made me feel belittled, and 'wrong' all the time. Even though I knew that, if I was having the same conversation with anyone else, there would be no problem. I'm not certain where this behaviour came from with him. He was an incredible control freak. Not only was I not allowed to say things in a way that p*ssed him off, I had to do things in a certain way, or risk being chewed out for it. Like, god forbid if I put the kettle down in the wrong spot. For crissakes! It was crazy-making.

IDK. Perhaps it comes from a desire to control as much as possible in his environment, in an attempt to avoid being triggered? That's all I can think. How to fix it is another problem altogether - I never figured it out. I hope you guys can work it out. Hugs!

 

[Wastinglight]

I feel terribly inadequate and as if I am making his PTSD worse because I'm not "up to scratch" all the time. The second time he saw he had upset me and apologised but frankly what's the point of the apology when I know it will happen again?

Notwithstanding, you do deserve to be treated with more care and respect than this. You are not inadequate!

 

[Tanishq]

it gives him no right to shout and swear at you

Add to this, he doesn't look like he is trying to understand anything. Gives me impression he has no patience there.